Gold
by Arden Tenjou
Summary: Yuri stole Victor's heart so effortlessly with his expressive skating, yet coldly broke it with his insecurity. Victor struggles to understand and become ever closer to Yuri, before he loses him, or his own skating heart. Starts after Yuri asks Victor to quit being his coach. Victor x Yuri, Yuri x Victor. Otabek x Yurio.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter One

Unassuming little Yuri captured my heart. From that first time I saw him skating my routine, I sensed something instinctively about him that it took me a long time to put to words. His movements weren't as smooth, muscles weren't as trained or flexible as even the beginners I'd trained with. But in every extension, every step, every turn of his head, I felt his heart shining through. It struck me hard, like a physical blow to my heart.

I wasn't sure what to do with this feeling, so I did the only thing I could; stuck to him like glue and tried to bring out every ounce of his potential. I did my best. I don't think I was the best coach and he deserved better, but I wanted to see my art stretched over his body. Wanted to be as close to him as physically possible, as if we were one. And then the day came when he said he was going to retire. And I couldn't be his coach anymore.

There he sat on the hotel bed across from me, his cute, innocent head bowed as he said the words that broke my heart. He thanked me and told me my job as coach was done. In sadness and frustration and anger, I couldn't speak. But as I struggled to respond, hot tears dripped down my face. One caught Yuri's attention.

"Victor?" he mumbled in amazement. "Wha-…why are you sad?"

I sighed heavily, feeling like I'd been bitten by a beloved pet. "To think I'd ever hear Katsuki Yuri acting so selfish."

"Yes. I made this decision selfishly," Yuri said, calmly. "I've decided to retire."

More tears dripped down my face as Yuri's calm, logical voice twisted the knife. We'd only been together less than a year. I'd forced myself on him from the start, but I had started it and I should finish it, I thought selfishly. So short a time, but even so, the idea of going on without Yuri tore me apart.

His fingers entered my vision, brushing aside my bangs to see my eyes. He blinked up at me with those black, innocent eyes, fascinated. I frowned at him in irritation. "Yuri. What are you doing?"

"Sorry…I'm just surprised," he murmured, watching me so affectionately. "So even Victor cries."

"I'm angry!" I protested, grabbing his wrist.

Yuri frowned back at me. "You're the one who said we would just be together until the Grand Prix Final."

"Yes, back when I thought you needed me more that you apparently do," I answered.

"Do you mean you won't skate again?" Yuri didn't seem to want to accept this. He almost seemed angry, but I couldn't imagine why. He looked away, frowning in frustration. "You've already done too much for me-"

"Are you really telling me that you're just going to retire and leave me to go on alone?!" I demanded, losing control of my anger.

I pushed him down on the bed and made him look hard into the eyes he'd made tear up like this. He watched me helplessly, seeming to want to reach out to comfort me but holding himself back. His fingers tightened on the sheets beneath him.

Even as I tried to maintain my anger, I started imagining not being able to be together with Yuri like this anymore. Not being able to see my heart in his moves anymore. Never being able to watch him pour all our work together into his beautiful skating, knowing part of me went with him. And more than just not being his coach anymore, if Yuri quit, I'd never get to see him skate again. It felt part of my love was dying.

And then I couldn't hold it back anymore. I sobbed and pressed my face to his narrow chest. I cried into his chest loudly like a child, gripping his jersey. I kept waiting for him to cry too, but even though Yuri was normally such a crybaby, somehow he was completely in control now. Eventually, his hand covered one of mine. As my sobbing subsided, I held his hand. I resituated myself on the bed and lay down on top of him, my head resting on Yuri's shoulder.

"Okay," Yuri said, his soft voice echoing into my ear. There was so much darkness in his voice; he had no hope. I didn't understand what made him feel this way, and the simple fact that I couldn't reach him to console him was hurting me. It meant my presence wasn't as big in Yuri's heart as I'd thought. At the same time, I didn't want to admit the fact that a small part of what he'd said was true: seeing Yuri do such beautiful things, I had begun to miss skating very badly. But skating without Yuri? It wasn't worth it. I'd rather let my skating self die than kill Yuri's beauty in exchange.

"Tomorrow is my last free skate in this competition," Yuri said, and again the darkness there echoed as a sharp pain in my chest. "And mine and Victor's last skate together," he went on, not even a trace of sadness as he did. I bit my lip as another wave of tears dripped onto Yuri's shoulder. "After that, we'll both give our answer. Of what we should do from now on."

I sighed, pushing my head into his shoulder, wishing badly there was a way to be closer. Wishing I could touch his heart with mine, so we could understand each other better. I already felt no one understood me better than Yuri, and vice versa, but apparently it wasn't enough. To my relief, Yuri's arms crept around me. His hand gently stroked my hair.

I nodded a little. "All right. If you say so, Yuri. Tomorrow." I took his right hand in mine, the cold of our rings soon warming to our combined heat. "And you'd better not be distracted. Whatever happens, make me fall in love with you all over again."

Yuri's lips tightened in a painful smile. He closed his eyes and pressed his forehead to mine. Even this sweetness hurt, thinking it would soon be out of reach.

The next day, Yuri and I had a little difficulty speaking to each other as we normally did, but we still touched now and then. Reassuring each other that even though it hurt, even if our relationship might change, our feelings wouldn't. I spoke to Yakov before Yuri's free skate. I hugged the Russian Yuri, even though he tensed up like a little cat. I needed help.

Finally, it was Yuri's turn. I said the only thing I could think of to draw Yuri's heart back into skating. He watched me, hurt for an instant, and then a brilliant, painful smile bloomed over his face. He hugged me and sobbed in pain and joy, almost laughing.

"I really want to kiss a gold medal," I whispered in his ear. He nodded into my shoulder. He started to drift away. He grasped my fingers one more time, our rings almost touching. And then he took the center of the ring. From that moment until the end of his last free skate, a thousand times he broke my heart, and made me love him all over again.

He had never looked so beautiful. Every jump was perfect, but few even noticed. Not when love was pouring out of him like a wave. There was no dry eye, no heart unmoved by Yuri's love. And even as I watched Yuri perform his perfect program, I lamented the loss of my heart. Because from now on, whatever happened, Yuri would always hold it.

The music ended. Yuri stopped, his fingers outstretched toward me. His eyes held mine and I knew it had all been for me. Everything he'd done, most of his life had been spent trying to reach me. Even running away was for me; he couldn't bear to gain my wings only to never see me fly again. And I realized we'd both been thinking the same thing. I loved him so much.

I opened my arms to hold him. Even so, I knew he was tormented at this moment. Now it was my turn to be calm as Yuri broke down, waiting for the final blow on our relationship to fall. He didn't return my hug as he exited the rink. In a haze, he let me guide him to the scoring area and we sat to wait. Of course, he got a great score. He was first, and it would take quite a lot for one of the remaining competitors to beat him. But among them was the Russian Yuri. And I think we both felt then, although we couldn't be sure, that he had still more to give.

In the end, I didn't get to kiss Yuri's gold medal. And yes, that was disappointing. Not in Yuri, but in myself. I had known he had gold in him and I had failed in convincing him of the fact. I couldn't quite gather the right words to say to him. But as always, Yuri easily did what I could not.

"Well, Yuri?" I pressed, forcing him back against the railing. "What can you give me that's as exciting as a gold medal? Any ideas?" A flush rose to his cheeks and I smirked. "Did you think something naughty?"

After a moment of insecurity, his expression hardened with determination. Yuri tackled me to the ground and said the words that sent my broken heart soaring. "Victor! Please, skate with me for one more year! I'll get that gold medal!"

I couldn't help getting a little teary with all the joy in me at that moment. "I like it! I'm a little worried about coaching you while skating for myself too. At the very least, I'll need you to win five in a row to satisfy me."

Yuri's eyes filled with joyous tears to match mine and he smiled. "Yeah," he whispered.

It took a while to come down from the high of seeing Yuri perform so perfectly, and then hearing those wonderful words from him. But even as we celebrated with everyone, I think we both had the same idea in mind. We held hands almost the whole evening, and as soon as we could, snuck back to our hotel room alone.

My body was still tingling from his performance. I couldn't wait anymore to confirm how Yuri felt about me, to be as close as physically possible to him. As we entered the room, Yuri closed the door behind us and turned his face up to me. I cupped his face in my hand. He caressed my cheek. I couldn't stop. I kissed him deeply as I'd always wanted to.

Yuri's breath came hard as he trembled in my touch but tried in his inexperienced way to hold me as I held him. There was no resistance or embarrassment; he trusted and loved me with his whole heart, as he knew I did him.

Desire was starting to make me lose myself. My hips pressed to his as I pulled him ever closer, causing Yuri to gasp into my mouth. His eyelashes fluttered as I performed the same action again. I was relieved and happy to feel Yuri as hard as me. I kissed him deeply one more time and then drew back to start undressing.

Yuri pushed my coat off my shoulders and I let it fall there. A thrill ran through me as his hands snaked up my chest, feeling all my muscles over my shirt. I shivered and grasped his wrist, encouraging his touch. He unbuttoned my shirt quickly and stood up on his toes to claim my lips again. I gratefully indulged in more kissing as he continued undressing me. I took off my belt as he pushed off my shirt, and then I ran my hands through his hair and kissed him hard.

"Victor," he whispered breathlessly against my lips. His cheeks were flushed, his eyes lidded and fluttering, his lips moist and parted; I had to fight myself hard not to keep kissing him. But then Yuri dealt the killing blow as against my lips he said sweetly, "My costume…unzip me…"

I physically doubled over a little with the effect those softly uttered words had on my cock. Wordlessly, I nodded. I allowed Yuri to turn around in my arms and placed both hands on his shoulders. The costume suited him so well, it was almost a shame to lose it. I ran my fingers through Yuri's hair a little with affection.

I located the top of his zipper. With great care, I slowly dragged it down as far as it would go. I watched with fascination as Yuri's pale skin was revealed beneath his sparkling costume. I couldn't stop myself from drawing in close and breathing in the skin of his neck. Yuri gasped and leaned back against me. I began kissing his neck as I slipped one hand deep down the front of his costume, pulling it down as I caressed his chest. I loved Yuri's sensitive reactions to my every touch.

As I pulled his arms out, Yuri turned back his head and claimed my mouth in a kiss again. To my delight, he pushed me back toward the back and as I sat there, he pushed me down, clasping both my hands in his and pressing them into the bed. Unlike any partner I'd had before, another thing that was currently thrilling me was that I had no idea whether Yuri would prefer to top or bottom, and I didn't care. I wanted to fill him up with me, but equally as badly I wanted to feel him thrust inside me. I could only run out some of this passion with kissing or I felt I might go crazy.

We managed to kick off the remainder of our clothes, and finally we looked at one another naked. Yuri's sweet expression tied my heart up in knots. He gave me two or three light kisses. Then his gaze traveled down to my chest. He shifted down the bed a little. In a move that practically broke my heart and made my cock start to ache, he leaned down and placed a gentle kiss over my heart.

I thought he might ask me what to do, but I realized there wasn't a right way to express our feelings. He wanted the same thing I did. He grasped one of my arms, first weaving his fingers through mine and then lovingly running his fingers lightly down my arm. He kissed the inside of my wrist and my bicep. He ran his hands down my chest again, feeling every bump and curve. I arched my back and shuddered.

Yuri whimpered a little and instinctively rolled his hips against mine. We both gasped. Yuri panted as he held himself over me, and moments later rolled his hips again. "Mm," I murmured, biting my lip and reaching a hand around Yuri's waist to encourage him to do that again.

Yuri cried out, increasing the pace without really knowing what he was doing. His elbows buckled and he collapsed on top of me, grasping me tightly as he thrust against me. His cock was brushing against mine and creating irresistible sensations from the top of my head to my toes.

"Yuri," I panted in his ear, grasping his hair. "It's okay, you can cum."

Yuri whimpered again, his hips shaking. He held me tight as he thrust again and again, and I barely held myself back from cumming. Finally, his whole body tensed just for a few moments, and then relaxed against me. I stroked his hair lovingly as he came down from his orgasm.

"Yuri…my love…" I whispered to him.

"Victor!" he cried, holding me tight again. "Ah…Victor…it won't go down…" he said, starting to sound tearful. He trembled and twitched and I realized he was right; his hardness was still pressed against my belly, now slick with Yuri's cum.

I kissed his forehead and cheek. "It's all right. I'll give you everything you need, Yuri."

Now pliable like a kitten in my arms, Yuri mumbled faintly and moaned as I drew his face up and kissed him again. I ran my hands all down his body and clasped his buttocks in both hands. He gasped, then trembled and made some adorable noises, his hips moving against me again.

With my lips brushing against his ear, I whispered, "Can I come inside you?" I reached around and ran my finger from his balls, down his taint and circled around his hole. "Here?"

Yuri trembled, his expression blissful. "Yes…"

Not having expected such an honest answer, I quickly bit my lip and turned away to stop cumming. Without wasting time, I tossed Yuri onto his back and suggestively grasped both his thighs, wrapping them around my waist. Before I could even ask if he were all right with this, Yuri took my face in both hands and whimpered sweetly as he kissed me.

"Victor…" he murmured, then captured my mouth with his again. He was a naturally good kisser, if a little awkward.

"Yuri…" I gently chided. "You're going to have to tone down the sexiness or I won't be able to keep up." Though even as I said this, I indulged in more of his sweet kisses. Yuri didn't seem to be listening though, just concerned with maintaining contact with my lips and tongue.

I tried my best to comply with his desires as I reached one hand into the bedside drawer. Luckily, this was a nice hotel and they were well supplied with things we would need. I fished out what felt like a single packet of lube and a condom and placed them on the bed beside us. Still trying my best not to break contact with Yuri's demanding mouth, I opened the lube and let it drip down his crack.

"Ah…" he murmured in surprise. "What's that?" he asked, though he looked more interested than nervous. I was so happy to see how much he trusted me and I swore never to betray that trust. I was going to make him feel amazing.

I kissed him softly before replying, "Lube." I pressed my hand into his crack and his lips parted with a quick inward breath. I swirled my finger around his entrance, loving the shiver that ran up his body as I did. "It's so I don't hurt you."

"You can hurt me," Yuri said, without a trace of hesitation.

I let my head rest on his shoulder in exasperation. "Yuri, I'm so happy you love me so much, but I'm angry you're not more concerned for your own body. It's a complicated feeling!"

"Victor," Yuri murmured, and he pulled my face up so it was inches from his own. In a manly voice that I'd rarely heard from him before and sent shivers down my spine, he said, "You can do anything you want to me."

"Ah…" I cried, having to tense my whole body to hold back the urge to cum. "Yuri…you're…a formidable opponent."

Yuri chuckled. "Keep going."

"Gladly."

I kissed him hard as I slipped the first finger inside him. Yuri barely made a noise. He returned my kiss with equal fervor, letting his muscles relax around my finger. I was amazed; for his first time, he got used to it remarkably quickly. Again my chest felt squeezed and I couldn't believe how lucky I was, realizing that was just how much he loved me.

As I inserted the second finger, I kissed and licked his neck, provoking sweet gasps. I touched him everywhere I could reach with my free hand as I kissed him all over. Finally I began licking the traces of cum from his stomach. Yuri moaned, letting his head fall back against the bed.

"Get ready. Third finger," I murmured, and the next moment, slipped a third finger in just as I wrapped my mouth around his cock.

"Ah…ah…" Yuri cried, his body tensing as he accidently thrust up hard into my throat. I choked a little but lovingly coaxed him in again as I pressed deep inside him. "Sorry, Victor…" he panted desperately, covering his eyes with his hands. "Please wait…I…it's too much…"

"Nn?" I muttered in slightly annoyance, reluctantly removing his cock from my mouth. "You're the one who said I can do what I want."

"But…I…I'm going to cum!" Yuri cried.

"Mm…" I answered simply, deeply swallowing his cock as I searched for his prostate.

"Kya!" he cried, a jolt running down his body.

Bingo.

"Ah…" Yuri cried, turning away tearfully. "No, Victor…not…in your mouth!"

Slowly, I pulled my mouth away from his cock. I smiled down lovingly at him. "On your chest is okay?" I inquired, swirling a finger around his nipple.

Yuri twitched, but reluctantly nodded.

"Okay." I gave him a light kiss on the cheek, then looked deep into his eyes. "Stay relaxed. It may hurt for a moment, but you'll be okay." Yuri regained his breath and nodded. He wrapped his arms around my shoulders and watched as I lined up outside him, rolling the condom onto my cock as I did. "Yuri…I love you."

"Victor!" he moaned, his nails digging into my shoulders as I slowly pushed into him.

"Ah…!" I cried as my hips pressed against his. Finally, I was inside him. Unfortunately, that fact and all his previous sexiness was pushing me too far. I gasped and trembled, grasping Yuri tight for support. "Uh-oh…sorry, Yuri…I didn't think…this would feel so good…ha ha…I'm in trouble…"

I looked up at his face to make sure he was okay. To my horror, I saw a tear run down his cheek. His lip was caught between his teeth, and I had a dreadful moment thinking he was in pain so great he couldn't even speak. But then he let his lip go and panted. With moist eyes, he looked up at me pleadingly.

"Victor…I'm sorry…" he said softly, and I was afraid he would say it hurt too much and he wanted to stop. Instead, he continued, "If you move, I think I'm going to cum again…"

I blinked. Unable to hold back, I began to laugh.

"Ah! Don't laugh…it echoes…" Yuri objected, his fingers tightening against my skin.

"Okay, Yuri. Go ahead and cum again. Feel me all the way to the deepest part of you," I murmured in my best sexy whisper. "My Yuri…"

"Victor!"

I pulled out a little and slowly pushed to his deepest point again. Sure enough, Yuri squeaked and tensed up again. His hole clamped down tight on me and I cried out, my head falling against him. Yuri trembled for a few moments and then collapsed back on the bed, gasping for breath.

"Yuri…" I murmured. "I want to let you rest but…I can't take it anymore. Can I go faster?"

"Victor…" he moaned, looking up at me again with unbridled desire. "More, please…!" he gasped.

I shivered. Capturing his mouth in a desperate kiss, thrusting my tongue in his mouth as my cock slid deeper inside his hole, I began to thrust harder and faster. It wasn't long before the wild sensations running through me robbed me of all other thought. Love for Yuri and happiness and relief and the amazing feeling of being so deeply connected brought me to near insanity. Pleasant feelings ran down my entire body and I couldn't think. I moaned against Yuri's mouth as a terrifyingly large orgasm swept over my mind.

"Ahhhh!" I cried, thrusting one last time as my love for him exploded in fireworks behind my eyes and I almost passed out.

"Victor!" Yuri gasped, grasping me tight.

It took a good minute of stillness for my head to return to normal. My body was still thrumming with adrenaline, my heart pounding and sweat dripping off me. To my own disbelief, my cock hadn't softened even a little.

I bit my lip with a moan. "Yuri…I'm sorry, bear with me a little longer…"

Yuri cried out as I pulled out of him for a moment, and did not object as I turned him over beneath me and pulled his hips up to meet mine as I knelt over him. Still shaking, I slowly but desperately inserted my cock inside him again.

"Nnngh!" Yuri moaned, his back arching as he bit down on the pillow in front of him. I reached around his waist to discover with delight that he was still hard too. I halfheartedly stroked his cock as I thrust lightly a few times, but then I couldn't take it anymore. I grasped his hips in both hands and pounded into him as hard as I could.

"Ah…ah…ah…!" Yuri cried, arching his back and matching my thrusts with ones of his own.

"Yuri…Yuri…" I mumbled, unable to hold back any longer. I loved him so much I feared I would really lose my mind.

Yuri pushed himself up on his hands and panted, turning his face toward me. I desperately clung to him and demanded more kisses as I fucked him. "Victor…" he gasped as our lips parted. "More…just a little…more…"

Then at once, we both screamed in agonized pleasure as the same orgasm hit both of us. It felt so good I felt tears reach my eyes. It ran down every inch of my skin like a wave. And again. I shivered as it kept on going, turning me into a puddle of exquisite sensation. Finally, the wave started to ebb. I couldn't speak or move for long seconds after. We both tumbled to the bed, regaining our breath. We held our right hands as we lay in the blissful afterglow. I caught Yuri's gaze and smiled, filled with love for him.

I thought he would smile back, but instead he pushed himself up and kissed me again. "Nn?" I murmured in surprise as he moved over me with a hard dick pressing against my hip. "Really, Yuri?" I laughed nervously. "I knew you had stamina, but I don't think I can…"

"It's okay," Yuri told me softly. He kissed me. "Just relax."

"Eh?" I murmured in surprise. I jumped as I felt cold liquid drip down my taint. While I wasn't looking, Yuri had already stolen my move from earlier, pulling another packet of lube from the drawer and opening it while kissing me. I watched in disbelief as he swirled a finger around my entrance. And even though I was spent, I shivered and moaned appreciatively as he prepared me. "Oh…I hoped you'd want to do that for me too…but…ha ha, I had expected a bit more of a break in between."

"I'm sorry," Yuri said in a husky, manly voice against my lips. "I want you so much, Victor. I can't wait." I smiled as shivers ran down my spine.

I hoped Yuri wasn't disappointed by the fact that I was even easier to prepare than he was, but he didn't seem to notice. After a few minutes teasing me into a puddle of sensation one finger at a time, Yuri slowly removed all fingers and pressed his throbbing cock against my entrance. I felt myself twitching against him and I ran my hands through his hair while arching my back like a pleased cat.

"Okay, Yuri. Show me what you learned."

Yuri swallowed, eyes locked on my lips. He kissed me once and then met my gaze with one of lustful intensity. "Victor," he murmured. And then he pressed my hair back and clasped my head in his hands possessively. "I swear, I'll surpass you someday. And then…I'll finally be worthy of you."

My eyes widened in shock at his statement. I'd always suspected he considered himself unworthy of me, but I had no idea it was to that extent. I smiled ruefully, shaking my head. That's my line, I thought. And I promised myself to spend all available time removing this inferiority complex from my adorable lover. "Show me what you got," I said against his lips.

Yuri pushed himself up to sit over me like a lion. Slowly, he slid his cock inside me. I choked out a cry, surprised at how sensitive I was after coming so recently. "Ah…just…take it easy at first, Yuri…you…ah!"

Yuri pulled out a little and then thrust deep inside me. White light flickered in my vision as sensations ran all down my body. He was still so hard and hot inside me, and the feeling was so different from being inside him. It was like he was claiming me. The feeling was overpowering and I clung to him as I lost my language and thought.

"Yuri…" I whimpered, rolling my hips blissfully against him. Every thrust of his hips reverberated deeper inside me, sending warmth through every inch of me. After thrusting deeply a few more times, he kissed me deeply and increased the pace.

I cried out like an animal as Yuri thrust faster inside me, hitting every sensitive place. "Ahhh…Yuri!" I screamed. I wanted to speak, I wasn't sure if I wanted him to go faster or stop but either way I could only cry out in desperation or form his name on my tongue. "Yuri…ahh…ah! Yuri!"

I think Yuri may have been crying a little but moments later he kissed me hard. "Victor!" he cried. "I can't stop…Victor! Ahh…I love you!"

I don't know how long he pounded my insides, but he came again and then kept on going, barely even stopping for breath. He fucked me until I literally passed out. My cock spurted against my will even as all the lights went dark. I woke to find a sweating, exhausted Yuri lying beside me, gently brushing my hair from my face and kissing my forehead.

"You passed out for a moment…are you all right?"

It took me a little while to respond. When I could, I shifted a little and pressed my lips to his. I smiled at him, even as love for him made my whole body feel weak and my heart feel made of glass. "Perfect," I told him.

Yuri gave me the cutest little joyful smile. It faded a little as he held my gaze. "I love you so much it hurts."

"Me too. Hey. Let's make a program about it."

"Both of us?"

I grinned. "I have an idea."


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

It seems that the more you have of a good thing, the more you want. Even something that would have been unbelievable in the past, if you get a taste of it, makes you long for it, even if it's out of reach. Even if it wasn't meant for you. My name is Katsuki Yuri. I'm 24, a figure skater…and currently in the middle of a fight with my coach – and personal god – Victor Nikiforov.

Victor stood before me, sparkling a little in the cold and the rays of sunlight from the far window reflecting on the ice, one hand resting on the rail of the rink, one foot folded over the other and his toe stuck into the ice casually. As always, even in just standing he was like a work of art. I couldn't help watching his chest rise and fall a little with his breath, emerging from his delicate, sensuous lips as white mist, peeking at his left eye slightly hidden behind a sheaf of silken, blond hair, before my awareness snapped back into the current situation.

As was his subtle way of getting angry, Victor smiled at me with mild incredulity, tilting his head. "What do you mean you don't want to talk about it?" he asked with false pleasantness.

I sighed in irritation and turned away, opening the gate and stepping out of the rink. "I'm going home now. Excuse me."

Victor caught my jersey collar over the rail, half choking me. As I struggled, wobbling on my skates, he murmured, "We're not done yet, Yuri. Take a seat."

I reluctantly took a seat on the nearest bench and waited for him to join me. It didn't matter. We could talk about it all he liked; it wouldn't change my decision.

A week before, Victor had received his invitation to the Russian nationals. That part wasn't a surprise. We'd always been planning that he would do this (he had to, in order to participate in this year's Grand Prix), but I hadn't considered whether I should go or not until recently. Of course, any opportunity to see Victor skate, not to mention Yurio and the other Russian skaters, was something I would hate to miss. But I'd never been to Russia before, and felt uneasy going for no other reason than to support my coach. Wasn't that overstepping my bounds somehow, as a skater?

And then I'd heard that Victor's family would be there. Frankly, on hearing that, my entire body filled with anxiety and I lost any interest in attending. Or even leaving Japan to be potentially geographically closer to where any relative of Victor's might be hiding. How could I face them? The family of a god? The god I'd brought down by not only failing to get gold after he coached me, but defiling him by indulging in carnal desires? It was a nightmare!

Could I express this to Victor in a way he would understand? Well, since I was too embarrassed and afraid of my anxieties being confirmed to even say it out loud, not likely.

"I'm confused, Yuri," Victor said patiently. "So please make an effort to explain it to me."

"I don't want to go," I said simply.

Victor slipped a hand under my chin and pulled my face close to his own, using his ikemen power to attempt to subdue me. "That's not explaining, Yuri," he purred softly. "My question is why."

I bit my lip, avoiding his gaze. He always found me so easy to control, and in this situation I found that quality particularly irksome. I planted my hand in the middle of his face and pushed him back. He made a slight noise of surprise and blinked at me between my fingers.

"I don't know why I need a reason," I muttered at a barely audible level. "It's tens of thousands of yen and, what, twenty hours of travel? You don't need me there anyway, do you?"

As I said this, I stood up and attempted to leave. Before I'd taken two steps, Victor's hand grasped the back of my jersey and yanked me back toward him. I flinched as I fell back, expecting a hard landing. Instead, when I reluctantly blinked up, I found myself in the circle of Victor's arms as he smiled down at me (though still with mild annoyance).

"For more than one reason, I do need you there with me, Yuri," he said gently. Then his smile took on its evil tint. "Apart from anything else, can you give me some assurance that you'll stick to your diet if I'm not here to watch you?" I flinched and swallowed. "You seem a little depressed right now and when that happens you reach for katsudon. How about training? Are you saying you've suddenly become an obedient, responsible, waifish little kitten like Yurio?"

I flushed with shame, but my mouth flapped a couple of times as I struggled to argue with what he said. But I couldn't. I covered my face with my hands in resignation. "No. I'm still a pig."

"You're my adorable little piglet, and frankly you're cute no matter what you weigh," Victor said kindly, squeezing me in his arms a little. But then he grew serious and said in his fast-talking coach voice, "but your jumps are atrocious when you're heavy, your extensions buckle and you can't step correctly, it's frankly an eyesore and I don't want to see it. 'Kay?"

I sobbed a little with frustration, but again, couldn't fault him on having a point. "I'll video chat with you, then, to keep me honest. I don't have to go all the way there."

"Well, I might be tempted to leave you here if it were just that," Victor admitted with a sigh. I could see through my fingers that he was watching me silently for a time. He wanted to see my face, I was sure. But instead of forcefully moving my hands, he stroked my hair a little. Then he clasped my face in his hand, drew in close and pressed his forehead lightly against my fingers.

"I want you there," he murmured, his voice and warm breath making my fingers tingle. I hunched in my shoulders and wiggled a little in his arms, trying to forestall the feelings he was stirring up inside me. "I want to show you my home and my family. And more than anyone, I want you to see me skate. I want you there waiting for me when I finish." As if to tear me up even worse, he clasped my right hand in his. I felt the cold of his gold ring against my skin, the matching one to mine, and I couldn't help the glow of warmth and love for him that filled up my chest. "Can't you do that for me?" he pleaded softly.

I made a noise of protest under my remaining hand. "Do I ever have a choice in times like these?"

Victor chuckled. "Well, hope springs eternal. If it helps you to think so, yes you have a choice. But since saying no too many times may cause me to wrap you up in a blanket and carry you to Russia over my shoulder, practically speaking, no you don't. Hey, Yuri. Move your hand."

"…no."

"I want to kiss you."

I whimpered in frustration, not wanting to give in but unable to defy Victor in times like these. To my surprise, I felt a very soft touch on my fingers. A shiver ran down my whole body; it was Victor's lips.

"D-…don't kiss my fingers…" I stammered in a wild mix of embarrassment and desire, reluctantly parting my hand from my face a little.

Victor watched me with an affectionate smile for a moment. Then he said, "Okay." He dipped past the hands that I still hand partly up and softly claimed my mouth. I couldn't help melting into his touch. I never figured out exactly why Victor started kissing and having sex with me. It felt like a natural extension of our previous relationship, so I never really questioned it.

He even said that he loved me. Of course I didn't quite believe that. He was such an affectionate person, and there was a culture gap, so he might not mean it in the same way I did. Maybe he just meant it in a friendly or brotherly way…we'd never been very good at defining our relationship. I was important to him, and that was more than I ever expected; really, I was happy just being near him.

And in the end, I couldn't escape from the warmth that filled up every inch of me, and the sparks that ran down my skin wherever he touched me. Even in the cold, I could smell the musky, manly smell that emanated from him, which was so full of pheromones I almost felt I could get pregnant just being near him. His large, dexterous hands effortlessly caressed my body, somehow magically hovering over every sensitive area. His lips were so soft, yet moved so skillfully over mine to rob me of all thought and resistance. His tongue slipped inside my mouth and I moaned out loud, clinging to his shirt.

Reluctantly, he pulled away and looked into my eyes. "Can we stop by that little hotel before we go back tonight?"

Playfully, I traced my fingers along his lips and then brushed his hair from his eyes. "I'm a little concerned about your body, being at your peak before the nationals. We probably shouldn't go all the way for a while," I murmured, snaking my fingertips up his chin to subtly draw his face a little closer to mine. "So let me fuck you once tonight."

Victor trembled, unconsciously watching my lips with a flush of desire creeping up his cheeks. Then he made a noise of frustration. "That's mean, Yuri! Now I can't stand up!"

I chuckled. "You've done that to me plenty of times."

"Not on purpose! Hey, stay on my lap and let me kiss you until it calms down."

I considered. "That would seem counter-productive. I'm going now. Come out when you're decent."

"Yuuriii…" he whined.

As soon as we were in the room of the love hotel, we could barely wait to take our clothes off. Victor's hands were all over me, seemingly more desperate than usual. I didn't mind indulging him if that's what he wanted.

"Yuri," he murmured against my lips. "If it's the last time for a while, make it memorable." He kissed me deeply and drew back, wrapping himself around me like a cat. "Mess me up a little."

When Victor got like this, a switch flipped in me and I got the desire to dominate and pleasure him to the point where he couldn't think. I ran my hands through his hair, grasping his head and pulling him close. As he watched my face with fascination, I drew ever closer until our lips were almost touching. Instead of kissing him, I extended my tongue and lightly licked his upper lip. Victor shivered, his eyes fluttering. Some of his weight fell into my arms.

As he was obedient for a moment, his chin resting on my shoulder, I turned toward him, brushed some hair away from his ear and pressed a soft kiss against it.

"Mmm…" Victor whined, clinging to me.

"Victor…" I told him softly. He flinched as my breath touched his ear, his fingers tightening in my jersey. "I want to do something, but I think we should clean you out first. Can we shower together?"

He chuckled, nuzzling my neck like the jungle cat he was. "Right now you could do anything to me, Yuri. I'm yours, all night."

A dark flutter of some kind of ill feeling passed through my chest. _If only you could be mine forever_ , I thought selfishly. I held him close, stroking his hair. _Stupid. Don't get your hopes up_ , I chided myself. _You're so lucky. Don't jinx it._

I gently pulled up Victor's face and kissed him once again before taking his hand in mine and leading him to the bathroom. I turned on the shower and unzipped my jersey. From behind me, Victor's hands slipped under it and pulled it down, caressing my chest and arms. I let out a soft moan and leaned back against him.

He pulled down my pants and underwear and slipped my undershirt off over my head. Before I could assist with his, he began feeling with great care the front half of my body while pressing his chest against my back. He pushed my head away with his own to bite down possessively on my neck.

"Ah!" I cried, my knees threatening to buckle. I reached behind to pull his hips toward me, encouraging his hardening cock pressing against my ass.

"Yuri," he whispered breathlessly in my ear.

"Nh…what?" I murmured, wanting to shower but not wanting him to stop what he was doing.

"I'm going to burst," he said, grasping both cheeks of my ass and rolling his hips against them, pressing his cock in between. I bit my lip and moaned. "Can I try sumata?"

Honestly, I wanted to try that too, but not now. I wanted to be the one giving him pleasure tonight, so reluctantly I shook my head. I reluctantly broke away from him for just a moment to quickly undress him. I grasped his face in both hands and kissed him. I grabbed one of the condoms from a basket placed by the sink and unwrapped it. Then I took his hand and brought him into the shower with me. I kissed him again, pressing him against the back wall of the shower.

"Nha…Yuri…" Victor mumbled, his hips pressing against me.

I kissed him once more, then while streaking my hands all down his body, I knelt before him.

"Ah…Yuri…really?" Victor squeaked in surprise as I stroked his cock lightly, my mouth hovering over it.

I looked up at him, caressing his chest a little. "You don't want me to?"

"Nh…I really, really do!" Victor cried. He looked down at me with concern, brushing my cheek with his fingers. "But I don't want you to push yourself…you're still new to this…"

That dark, sinking feeling hit me again, this time deep down in my stomach. _You're_ still new. In other words, did that mean Victor wasn't? It had never occurred to me until this moment, but of course Victor wasn't a virgin. And I'd always found it unbelievable that someone as incredible as Victor didn't have a steady partner, but of course that didn't mean he wasn't doing things like this with less serious partners. What was that word…"sex friends"? Was that what I was? And more importantly…was he still doing this with other people?

 _No_ , I told myself, meeting Victor's gentle blue eyes. _Don't even start. That's possessive talk. Victor doesn't belong to me or to anyone but himself. I'm lucky to even be able to be with him like this._

Unhesitatingly, I stretched out my tongue and ran it down Victor's cock as I slowly swallowing it as deep as I could. Victor's hips were twitching in my hands. His hands grasped mine over them. When Victor's cock reached the back of my throat, I held it there for a moment, considering. I felt I could still take him a little further. Instead of removing it, I opened my throat, forcing his cock to push itself down further.

"Ah…ah…Yuri!" Victor whispered desperately. "Don't…I can't…"

But it felt deeply thrilling to feel him throbbing so deep inside. I experimented, pulling back for a break and then pushing it back down. It was hard to breathe and I'm sure I was making some weird noises, but Victor's cock continued growing harder and hotter in my mouth. I tried increasing the pace to give him more satisfying stimulation.

"Yuri!" Victor cried, grasping my head and trying halfheartedly to push me back. But I wrapped my arms around him and swallowed him deeply as his hips jolted and he came down my throat.

Victor slumped against the wall, breathless and barely able to stand. He seemed to want to say something, but as he recovered, I slipped the condom I'd brought over my fingers. I squirted some lotion into both hands and rubbed it deeply and caringly into Victor's crack. As he gasped and shivered, I took a few moments to massage his balls and taint as well before concentrating on his hole. All the while, Victor's sexy voice echoed inside the shower, and now my own cock was twitching.

"Yuri…" he moaned.

Even as I started preparing his hole, I gazed admiringly at the lines of his hips and his beautiful thighs before me. He had the perfect body for figure skating. Every line was sculpted like a statue dedicated to the gods of physical beauty. I ran one hand slowly down his thigh, water from the shower now running down both our bodies. I kissed and licked the gently jutting corner of his hip.

Now and then my name tumbled from Victor's lips. He didn't seem able to say anything else. He trembled and arched his back as my fingers slowly opened him up and cleaned him out.

"I want to get a little deeper. Victor, turn around. Put your hands on the wall so you don't fall," I said, kissing his hip again.

He chuckled a little. "Yuri, you're too much sometimes."

"Is it bad?" I murmured, trying to sound stoic but in my heart fearing that he didn't like it.

He smiled down at me with affection. "Not at all."

Victor obediently turned his back to me and spread both hands on the wall, bending over and presenting his round, well-muscled ass before me seductively. I couldn't resist, leaning in and kissing, then sucking down hard on one cheek impulsively. Victor arched his back with a moan.

I got a little more serious and pushed my fingers deep inside him, letting a little water flow in. Victor continued reacting to every movement, rolling his hips unconsciously, biting his lip to hold back moans. I continued caressing and kissing him absently as I carefully cleaned him out. At length I removed my fingers and gazed longingly at his pink, twitching hole. Victor whimpered and turned back to look at me, wondering what I was doing.

I massaged his ass a little, watching his hole flex and contract wantonly. Finally, I couldn't wait anymore and licked it. Victor shuddered, his knees nearly buckling.

"Ah…Yuri!" he gasped breathlessly.

 _Has anyone done this for him before?_ ran briefly through my head before I pushed it away. _Surely more important things to think about now._

I slipped my tongue inside his entrance. A desperate cry choked out of Victor's throat and he collapsed against the wall, trembling.

"Yu…ri…!" he cried. "I…I'm…"

Seeing Victor so utterly consumed by pleasure was putting me in a similar state. There was already precum leaking from my cock and I stroked it a few times as I slowly probed deeper inside him. Victor was arching his back and crying out in a high voice I'd never heard before, his legs struggling to keep him upright. He didn't seem to know what to do and his hands kept creeping up and then slipping down the walls as he wiggled, twitched and trembled with every flick of my tongue.

I wondered if I could reach his prostate with only my tongue. I gave it every effort, pressing my face deep into his ass and arching my tongue inside him.

"Yuri! Yuri…stop! I c-…I…" Victor whimpered, shivering like a wet cat. "Please…let's go to the…bed! I can't…I'm going to faint!"

Reluctantly, I removed my tongue from him. I delighted in the shudder than ran all down his body. Victor sank down onto his knees before me, panting. I kissed his cheek, turned off the shower and stood, originally intending to offer him an arm. But seeing him still shuddering there, I instead chose to gather him up in my arms.

"Huh?" he murmured. He blinked in surprise as, with immense effort, I picked him up and held him like a new bride. He looked at me for a moment and then clasped his hands in delight. "Oh, Yuri. How manly!"

I tried desperately to maintain that assessment, but was quite aware that my arms were shaking and face was growing red with the effort of carrying someone who was a few inches taller and slightly heavier than me, especially given that I'd never done this before. But determined not to disappoint him, I held my breath and struggled to carry him all the way to the bed. Though once there, although I was able to place him down gently, I had to double over for a moment to regain my breath.

Victor laughed, kicking his legs with delight like a kid. He patted me on the head. "A great effort, Yuri. I feel like a princess."

I shrugged. "You make me want to pamper you. I'll practice weight lifting for next time."

"Hm, no. Better leave it to just lifting me," Victor commented absently. "I'd love to see my Yuri all muscular and macho," he purred, sliding his fingers up my back and shoulder blades. "But you'll become less flexible and your lines will be all different and require new choreography and that is not happening." He wrapped his arms around my neck and drew me close. "Be manly in other ways. Make me feel good like only you can, Yuri."

A flush bloomed over my face. How did he always know how to say just the right thing? Just when I had been doubting that I was enough to satisfy him, whether I was the right person for him when he could have – and possibly was still having – anyone he wanted, he reassured me and gave me confidence in his feelings for me. And that, I reminded myself, was all that mattered. Whether Victor was happy. I lovingly kissed him.

He let me stoke his entire body, kissing him everywhere I felt the urge, though both of us were struggling against the urge to cum already. I reached into the nearby drawer to grab another condom and a bottle of lube. After rolling on the condom, I spread the lube all over Victor's genitals, taking my time to caress every part. Victor was weakly moaning and tensing his muscles, trying not to cum too soon. And frankly I was sure I wouldn't last long inside him, but I concentrated on exciting and pleasuring him up until the moment I entered.

I stretched up over him, looking into his eyes. He smiled up at me so sweetly. As I lined up outside him, pressing my tip into his twitching hole, he gazed at my mouth and opened his, pulling me toward him. As I pushed inside him, our lips touched. Victor's body bucked beneath me and he arched against me with a gasp. His hole tightened hard around me and I deeply kissed him as we both came as soon as I was inside him.

After a moment of warmth in the afterglow, Victor reached his arms up and held me tightly. "Yuri," he whispered. "It wasn't enough. Can you keep going?"

I smiled. "The one thing I'm good for is my stamina. Don't worry." I pressed a soft kiss to his lips. "I'll make it memorable."

Victor laughed joyfully. "My Yuri!" He kissed me sweetly as I began to move inside him again.

…

In the end, I think I did make it memorable. Unfortunately, Victor had a little trouble walking the next morning as we dragged our bags to the cab to the airport. I guiltily offered to carry his, which he gladly accepted, but not without an evil smile as he drove the knife in by pointing out how relentless I had been the previous night. I could only blush and apologize. I'd really never had that much sexual desire before I met Victor. It was his magic. Even so, I scolded myself, that was no excuse for stressing out the hips of probably the greatest living figure skater in the world.

So we were on our way. Victor made sure that all my gear was in my bags so I wouldn't miss practice during the competition. It was a long, long journey with several transfers and layovers, but I was with Victor so I didn't mind all the waiting so much. What I did mind was the tickling nervous feeling that got worse and worse the closer we grew to St. Petersburg. That was where Victor's home rink was. The place where he'd learned to skate and had dazzled many spectators with delicacy and grace no one had ever seen before. I'd seen old videos of Victor skating there, and they were all etched in my memory like carvings behind my eyes. We'd be spending a few days practicing there before the competition, according to him. So now I would skate on that legendary rink where Victor had achieved greatness. I was dreading every second of it.

My heart pounded as the plane bounced violently as it touched down, and we were finally in Russia. Victor's fingers laced themselves with mine. Even though he was looking out the window with a fond smile, watching the passing greenery outside, I felt him gently encouraging me. I basked in that feeling for a moment, but then sighed. Even with Victor's support, this was going to be rough.

One thing I hadn't mentioned, and had been hoping to surprise Victor with, was the fact that I had been studying Russian for the past few months. I'd always liked the sound and found it much easier than English, even though for competitions I'd had to learn that too. On perhaps his birthday or Christmas, I planned to surprise him by telling him I loved him in Russian. But even I felt now and then that I was getting a bit too full of myself. More importantly, I was about to deeply regret even the attempt, even as I got a little excited about how I might find it useful here.

We were met at the airport by a familiar and very welcome face, Yurio. But beside him was as a new one. Rather, new to meet her in person, but of course I knew who she was. Her height, at least a head above Yuri, and her short, bright red hair were unmistakable. Mila Babicheva was currently the #1 female Russian skater, and #3 in the world. I was surprised as she greeted us with a big smile and a friendly wave.

"Victor! Welcome home! And little Yuri, welcome to Russia!" she said in English. Before I could react properly, she gave each of us a hug.

" _Preevyet_ , Mila," Victor said, smiling. I knew enough to know that meant "Hi."

And then Mila began speaking all in Russian to Victor and I struggled to keep up. But I noticed she glanced at me with a nice smile before she said, " _Tak eto vasha Yaponskiy igrushkoy_."

Victor sighed in irritation and chopped her lightly on the head, confident I had not understood that. But my lips parted and I stood frozen to the spot. I of course understood the Russian word for "Japanese," but by an unfortunate coincidence, it was only about two weeks ago that I caught another word she said on a Russian children's TV show I sometimes watched for studying. "Toy." Though I wasn't sure about the rest, she had definitely said the words "Japanese" and "toy" together. Many things about that caused a piercing frost and numbness to spread through my chest. My limbs all felt heavy. I glanced away, not knowing what else to do. I failed to notice, but Yurio was watching me as this all took place.

" _Ostorzhno_ ," Victor said, sounding annoyed. "Anyway, speak English so Yuri can understand."

It took me a moment to put a warm expression back on my face, but I managed it. I smiled at Mila and then at Victor. "It's okay. You probably want to catch up. I'll go ahead to the hotel, you should spend some time together."

I bowed politely and started to leave. "Yuri!" Victor called after me.

After a moment, I heard Yurio speak to the other two. "I want to hang out with Katsudon," he said, and jogged after me. With a casual salute, he said, " _Uvidimsya pozzhe_."

"Not you too!" Victor protested.

" _Chto proiskhodit_?" Mila concurred, throwing up her hands in frustration.

"Come with me, Pig," Yurio said, grabbing one of my bags and walking away at a fast pace.

"Okay…wait, where are we going?"

Yurio pursed his lips at me with typical teenage annoyance. "You're a tourist, aren't you? You're going to lose your Russian virginity."

All the blood drained from my face, though I still struggled to keep up with him. "Wait, can you be more specific? I'm not sure I want to do that!"


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

I had no idea what had gotten into either of them, but off went the two Yuris even as Mila and I watched after them in confusion. I'd been so looking forward to showing him my home. And the first thing he did was ponce off somewhere with Yurio? Something had been off about Yuri since before we got on the plane, but when he squeezed my hand back before we disembarked, I thought he would cheer up on arrival. What was upsetting him? I frowned deeply after him, feeling a little spark of jealousy rising up the back of my neck.

"Mila. What does Yurio want with Yuri?" I asked coldly.

She glanced between their retreating backs and me, then shook her head in utter bewilderment. "Your guess is as good as mine! Honestly, that boy." She frowned, resting her chin on her hand in thought. "But you know, I used to think he was jealous of that Japanese Yuri because you gave him so much attention. But maybe it's the other way around?"

My eyes widened and I unconsciously tightened my fists at my sides. Yurio…jealous of me, not Yuri? Which meant that his main interest was Yuri? I suddenly remembered something that had caught in my mind during his last performance at the Grand Prix Final. There had been a very strong emotion behind his acting. Passion, yes, as his song suggested, but also a challenge. And it was just a hunch, but I felt it wasn't directed at me. The way he gave Yuri sidelong glances as they received their medals started sticking out in my mind. Could it be possible? Yurio cared about Yuri…in more than just a competitive way?

Mila shrugged, amending her statement with a dry comment. "Or he's just going to bully him."

"Let's go with that," I replied.

I got out my phone to call Yuri and sighed heavily as I realized we hadn't gotten him a temporary one to use in Russia yet. I quickly tried texting Yurio to see what the hell he was trying to do, but I got a very rude response.

[Stay out of this, Baldy.]

That one hit hard and I crumpled like a house of cards against my bags while Mila patted me on the shoulder supportively. Without anything else to do, other than go to the hotel and wait, I had lunch with Mila (even though it was currently late night in Japan and I was already sleepy) and tried to ponder what was bothering Yuri. But in the end I just ended up twisting my jetlagged brain in knots without reaching any worthwhile answer. So I said goodbye for now to Mila, went back to the hotel, snuggled up under the covers and fell asleep while waiting for my beloved to come back to me.

…

Fortunately for everyone involved, Yurio did not mean what I initially thought, and instead he simply took me on a very fast tour of famous places in St. Petersburg. It was fun, and each place we went to gave me a feeling of understanding Victor better, but I was so tired it was all kind of a blur. Yurio was also very terse about his descriptions, so I didn't end up learning much more about St. Petersburg than the names of a few places. At one point we stopped in front of a beautiful cathedral with great round, colorful decorations at the top of each high tower. Its beauty somehow made my chest ache, thinking of how Victor must have grown up around all this magnificent architecture and maybe that influenced his powerful creative talent. I was caught up staring at it for a while.

Yurio frowned at me. He nudged me with his arm. "Don't you want a picture?"

"Oh…yes! Sorry…" I took out my phone, noticing that of course I didn't have any service. I was really here, so far from home. In Victor's home. I took a picture that I thought matched Victor's aesthetic and smiled a little, even though it hurt. "It's really beautiful," I said, sighing as I looked up at it. "What is this place?"

"This? The Church of the Savior on the Spilled Blood."

I tried not to let the discomfort show on my face. "That's…some unique naming sense."

"Let's get some coffee."

"Oh…okay…"

I was really tired, but it was still daylight so I decided it was probably a good idea, to help get over jet lag. We went to a café from which the cathedral could still be seen. After we ordered, Yurio stretched his legs out and folded one of the other with his hands, as they had been all day, in his pockets. He hadn't lowered his hood the whole day either, so he was still darkly glowering under it, ever the punkish ballerina. Surely no one would look at this person and see one of the most graceful skaters alive. No, I corrected myself. Not "one of." He is the best. He broke Victor's record and won gold in the world Grand Prix Final. Surprisingly, it had only just occurred to me that the greatest skater alive was sitting across from me, glowering, slouching and stretching his legs out in people's walking space like a true punk.

He noticed me staring at him and glared at me. "What are you looking at?" And then with barely a pause, "Don't you have a fiancé?"

I raised my eyebrows. I chuckled. "Sorry. I was just being impressed by you."

He made a face and stuck out his tongue. "Gross."

"Wait, fiancé?!" I reacted belatedly, nearly falling out of my chair. I steadied myself with shaking hands while a blush raged over my face. I covered my face shyly and turned away. "I…don't have anything like that."

Yurio's eyes widened in anger, but it soon faded. "Poor Victor. Though he's nowhere near as pathetic as you."

"Pathetic?" I murmured.

He narrowed his eyes at me and didn't respond for a moment. The waiter came and brought our coffees. Yurio glanced at his, then back at me as I cautiously sipped mine. I'd ordered an iced black coffee and was pleasantly surprised how sweet it was, so I took a bigger sip. Yurio seemed to have been waiting for this.

"Davay trakhnemsya," he said abruptly. Quite loudly.

I choked and spluttered coffee all over the vicinity. Again, seeming to have anticipated this, Yurio had pulled up his legs to avoid the spray. He casually set them back down as I got control of my embarrassment.

"When did you learn Russian?" he asked, looking pleased with himself.

I crumpled against the table while my blush died down. "I wouldn't say I've learned it. I can understand simple greetings…talk about hobbies…directions…"

"And sexual invitations, apparently."

I looked up at him, my mouth flapping awkwardly as my blush came back. I looked around to make sure none of the other patrons were listening. "I'm not the only one who can understand you!"

Yurio shrugged. "St. Petersburg isn't as bad as the countryside. There are gays here, and no one much cares." I frowned a little in gathering suspicion. I could be misreading things, but that made it sound as if Yurio were gay. Was he? Well, it was none of my business but still, all of a sudden I became very curious. Yurio sighed. "Don't take Mila seriously. She likes to joke, but she never would have said that if she'd known you'd understand." The hurt of what I'd overheard and feeling sorry for myself hit me again and I lowered my head, though I was a little touched by Yurio trying to help.

He glared hard at me like a wild animal and I flinched. "No one really thinks that about you, okay, dumbass pig?!"

I jumped back reflexively, bumping the table a little. As the liquids settled, I took in his words and let the glimmer of hope they brought sink in. But then, with my next outward breath, I let it slip back out of me. Instead, I smiled at Yurio. "I think you're misunderstanding something. It's true I'm not really sure what I am to Victor, but it doesn't matter to me. I'm just-"

"Doesn't matter?!" Yurio barked, kicking one of the nearby metal chairs with a loud clang. He aimed a rude finger at me. "It may not matter to you, but it does to SOMEONE. So I advise you figure that out soon. I won't forgive you if he messes up because of you." In a mumble that I barely heard, he added bitterly, "Victor's not the type who can skate with a broken heart."

My lips parted as I watched him, quite taken aback by his words. I didn't quite understand exactly what he was trying to imply, but it seemed like he was comforting me and that made me happy. Still, I felt he didn't understand. Victor certainly wouldn't be heartbroken by anything I did.

At around 6 pm (which, according to the wristwatch I couldn't figure out how to change, was midnight in Japan), I staggered back to the hotel, dumping my bags unceremoniously in the entryway. When I entered the bedroom, a warm smile crept over my face as I saw Victor sleeping with the blanket covering all but his eyes and one arm sticking out awkwardly on the pillow arced over his head. He made light noises in his sleep, not exactly snoring, but heavy and adorable breaths. I covered my mouth to muffle a soft chuckle. I loved him so much.

I approached the bed and knelt before it, stretching my arms over Victor's body, lightly so as not to wake him. For a while I was content just sitting there, smiling a little to myself, watching his sleeping face and listening to his breathing. But then those words echoed again in my mind. "Japanese toy." And suddenly that joy faded away and I felt like crying. My head slumped against the bed.

It really hurt. Hurt much more than I ever thought, realizing how far I was from being truly accepted by Victor. I still had a hope that someday I might be, but that someday seemed farther and farther out of reach. And in the eyes of Victor's friends at least, if not Victor himself, I was not even on the level of "student." I was an amusement. I bit my lip while holding back some strong emotions, but they slipped past my eyes anyway. I lifted my head and wiped the unwanted tears off.

"So what?" I asked myself softly. "So what if that's what I am? That's more than I was to him last year. True…if he has a Japanese toy, that probably means he has a Russian one. And a French one. And a…" I considered, remembering skaters that we both knew, particularly those that had drawn Victor's attention. "…Swiss one, most likely."

Another tear slipped down, but I merely shrugged as if trying to convince myself this wasn't a big deal. "So what? There's only two people in this hotel room." I walked around to the other side of the bed which, apart from an errant, lovely arm, was mostly free. Not wanting to disturb him, I crept on carefully over the covers and snuggled close without touching him. I smiled softly up at his sleeping face. "At least for this moment in time, there's just Victor and me."

Unconsciously, I reached up my right hand as I fell asleep, coming close to but not touching Victor's.

…

I woke at about three in the morning, still roughly on Japan time. I sighed heavily, rubbing the sleep from my eyes. Suddenly, I gasped, realizing I didn't know where Yuri was and he hadn't come back before I fell asleep. But those worries were quickly resolved when I looked to my right. Yuri was curled up on top of the covers beside me, obviously cold because of how he was curled in on himself, but he slept peacefully with his fingers outstretched toward mine on the pillow. I bit my lip and clenched my fist in a mix of frustration and joy. He was so cute I almost wanted to do something mean to him! I satisfied that urge by tickling his nose a little. He scrunched up his face in his sleep. I held my hands over my mouth to stop laughing.

I had a long while to wait for sunrise, so I went out to an all-night grocery to procure some supplies for making breakfast. I hummed happily as I filled the basket with the ingredients to make familiar favorites. When I returned to the hotel, I set the tea kettle to 200 and prepared a teapot with my favorite black tea. I settled into the kitchen area, placing some eggs in a pot with water for hard boiling, covering them and turning on the stove, and began preparing the ingredients for making oladi. I chuckled as I placed the sour kefir on the table beside the other ingredients. It was a bit of a test of Yuri's open-mindedness to see what he would think of this slightly sour variation on the type of pancakes he was used to, but my mother's were the best in the world and I wanted to try him on them.

I continued humming as I got the frying pan going and carefully poured the batter in small circles. The kettle beeped. I poured it into the pot, quickly covering it to let it steep for a few seconds. I retrieved a small jar of blackberry preserves I'd bought and placed a couple of spoonfuls in with the brew, stirring it well. Soon the room filled with the delightful aroma of very strong, real Russian black tea. I sighed blissfully.

Of course, it was great to experience all my childhood nostalgia, but it wouldn't be half as delightful if Yuri weren't here with me. I was so looking forward to sharing everything with him. I found myself smiling a little foolishly as I considered how lucky I was to have met someone who made me feel like this.

I finished making the oladi and turned off the stove. They'd gotten nice and crispy yet fluffy, sour and sweet and savory with the good quality kefir and sunflower oil. I placed an equal number of the little cakes on Yuri's plate and mine. I garnished them with fresh raspberries. I'd also lucked out and found some sweet cream, which I set in the center. I placed one hardboiled egg on each of our plates. For the tea, I sliced a lemon on a small plate. The hotel also provided sugar and salt, so I set those in the middle beside the lemon and cream. All finished, I sighed happily while admiring my work. I snapped a quick photo with my smart phone to upload later to show off to Chris (He was always bragging about his husband making him dinner).

I hopped lightly into the bedroom to find Yuri pretty much as I'd left him, but even more curled up as my heat had left the bed. I chuckled. He was so adorable. I gently got on the bed beside him and wrapped his body with mine. I squeezed him a little and then softly kissed his cheek. Yuri mumbled and his eyes reluctantly flickered open.

He looked at me with mild, droopy-eyed surprise and then smiled. "Victor," he said, in a voice so quiet and sweet it just about broke my heart.

"Good morning, my love," I told him. "The sun is rising and I made breakfast. Want to come have it with me on the terrace?"

Yuri went all stiff in my arms, waking fully immediately. His little eyes were wide like someone had dropped something on his foot. "Victor…made me…breakfast? What a waste…"

I laughed. "You're so silly. Come on."

I took his right hand, the one that had been stretched so cutely toward mine when we slept, and guided him out to the table on the terrace. "Actually, it's normally colder this time of year," I told him as I let go of his hand to show him the table and the view of the square outside as the sun rose and cast warm, pinkish light over the tall buildings, rivers and church spires. "But we got lucky. A warm front came in just as we arrived, so some flowers are still in bloom, even though the leaves have started to turn. It's nice, isn't it?"

To my surprise, there was not much reaction on Yuri's face. He definitely saw the beauty of the city, and glanced between it and the breakfast I'd made, taking everything in. But his brows were slightly drawn together as if he were troubled. I started to ask him again what he thought, but my voice caught. I was getting a very bad feeling.

"Sit down," I encouraged him instead, indicating his chair.

Somewhat reluctantly, he obeyed. He sat down and stared hard at the food in front of him.

"Oladi," I told him, smiling with my head propped on my hand. "It's my mother's specialty. You can add some sweet cream or jam if you like."

Without a word, Yuri picked up his fork, cut a piece of one of the oladi and placed it in his mouth. He chewed slowly, appreciating the flavor. He swallowed.

"Well…?" I asked, gradually less and less able to force myself to maintain a smile. I'd been looking forward to Yuri's reaction too much, and this was already so disappointing. I had to try not to blame Yuri for hurting my feelings, as I'm sure he had no such intention. But how could my first trip to my hometown with my lover be starting so badly? "What do you think?" I managed.

Yuri blinked a few times, looking down at his plate. He nodded. "Very good."

At that, I finally lost the ability to smile. I tried to catch Yuri's gaze, but he wouldn't look at me. He solemnly continued eating in a mechanical manner, his facial expression remaining distantly troubled and his attention far away from me. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore and reached across the table to grab his hand. He looked up at me in surprise.

"Yuri," I said seriously. "What are you thinking about? Tell me."

From an innocent expression from when he glanced at me, I saw clearly as the light faded from Yuri's eyes and he looked away, sinking into his most difficult mood for me to deal with. When he was depressed, as opposed to nervous or scared, Yuri simply shut me out. I knew it was partly because he didn't want to burden me, but the fact that he didn't trust me enough to rely on me and let me in was heartbreaking. I had to remind myself that that was just his way, his way of protecting himself.

"I'm sorry, Victor. I just don't feel that hungry." After a moment he added, "Thank you for doing all this. You didn't have to."

I frowned sharply at him. I let go his hand and sighed, folding my arms. "I did because I wanted to. I was excited to share these things with you. My home and things I love." I picked up my fork and began to eat. "I shouldn't have assumed you'd be interested." I sighed again and met Yuri's eyes. "But more than that, the fact that you still have to hide things from me really hurts, Yuri."

Yuri's eyes widened and he started to look tearful, but he held back from crying.

"I won't push you," I went on. "But when you're ready, I want to hear what's bothering you. It seems like you still need reminding," I said, and reached over to softly caress Yuri's cheek. "But you don't have to deal with everything all alone anymore."

Yuri's eyes fluttered closed and he leaned just a little into my touch. But as my hand left his face, he merely stared in front of him again, obviously deep in thought. And in the drawing of his brows, I could tell that even this encouragement didn't assuage his worries. This was bad. I started to feel a deep cold in my stomach. We both resumed eating and finished in silence.

After breakfast, we went to my old skating rink and met Yurio, Mira, Georgi Popovich and Yakov. Yuri seemed relieved to be able to do something familiar, and barely said a word before entering the rink. He warmed up for a few minutes and then he surprised me. He started performing my free program, _Always Stay by Me_.

I couldn't be happy watching that, even though I was more deeply moved than ever by how perfectly he copied me, while infusing the moves with his own depth and beautiful acting. But there was no way I could be happy. Because the longer I watched him, the more I got the feeling he was saying goodbye to me.

I lost my breath and stumbled as I tried to enter the rink. Yurio frowned up at me.

"Victor?" he asked, with as much concern as he could muster. Which wasn't much.

Yakov's hand clapped on my shoulder. "Are you ill?"

I blinked down at him, surprised at being asked. "Uh…huh?" I laughed it off. "Of course not! I'm jetlagged."

"Don't try to pull the wool over my eyes, Vitya," Yakov scolded, planting his hand on top of my head. "Today is the last solid day of practice before the nationals. Precious little time after that until the Grand Prix. If something's wrong, you'd better tell me now."

I smiled sadly, touched by Yakov's concern and constant ability to see through me. My eyes drifted past him for a moment to see Yuri gliding gracefully by. I quickly turned my attention back to Yakov with a forced smile. "Nothing's wrong. Where shall we start from today?"

Yakov made a noise of displeasure, folding his arms as I stepped onto the rink. "Show me you short program."

…

I tried to distract myself from the fact that we were in the rink that had made Victor who he was by practicing hard. But before I knew it, I was skating my favorite program of Victor's. Although I hadn't started consciously, I knew why my body fell into those movements, even hearing the music in my head; for me, that program was much more than just nostalgia. It was a reminder of how hard it had been when I was alone. And also of how large Victor's presence had always loomed in my heart, and always would. I never felt more complete and joyful than when I was pushing my body to its limit express Victor's art. Would I soon be returning to those days, of merely worshiping and yearning for something out of reach?

This was all cutting deeply into an old wound, an old doubt from before the last Grand Prix. When I saw Victor watching the other skaters, and all those times I broke down in front of him, and the final insult, when I failed to get gold under his teaching – all at the hands of one errant hand that hit the ice after that quad flip, Victor's quad flip – I knew he regretted taking me on. Not just because it was painful for him not to skate with everyone, though of course that was true. And I was happy he was able to do it again. But also because there were so many better pupils than me.

Even so, I'd become so greedy now. I didn't want to let Victor go. It was so selfish, it was taking advantage of Victor, but even if there were someone better for him, I was afraid of what losing him would do to me. I had come to rely on his warmth, knowing I could see his smile, touch his hand anytime I wanted to. The idea of Victor abandoning me, and giving all that warmth to someone else was tearing me up. I had never felt jealous, so the thought of Victor's rejection just made me angry. How could he say so easily that he loved me? If I were just a toy, one of many, why make me believe I was special? That he would be with me forever?

I felt a tear drip down my cheek and in anger and frustration I entered a quad flip at a bad angle with too much rotation. I landed hard, rolling once, and bumped my head on the ice.

"Katsudon!" Yurio cried in shock. He and Mila hurried over to watch me with concern.

"Yuri!" Victor, who apparently hadn't seen me fall, gasped and raced over. He dropped to his knees and knelt over me. "Yuri!" he cried, grasping my shoulder. "Did you hit your head? Do you feel dizzy? What day is it?"

I grimaced and threw his hand off, getting back on my feet and leaning on the railing to make sure I wasn't dizzy. Guilt struck me hard at the thought that I had just shoved Victor's hand away, but that only made it harder for me to face him. "I'm fine," I murmured. "Sorry. Go back to practicing."

"Yuri-"

"Ahh, he's fine. Go back, stupid!" Yurio chided, shoving Victor hard a few times and pushing him back toward where Yakov could see.

"You sure you're okay?" Mila asked me with a smile.

"I'm fine," I said, a little more sharply than I intended to. "Please go back to your own practice."

Mila shrugged, gliding away. I noticed Yurio glaring at me, but I couldn't quite guess what he was thinking. Eventually, Yakov had the majority of us clear off so he could watch Victor, Yurio, Mila and Georgi individually. He gave final notes to each and then sent us off, saying the competitors needed their rest. I felt another stab of guilt that I had been so rude and distracted Victor before a competition.

When he left the rink, I greeted him with a forced smile. "Where would you like to go tonight?"

Though Victor had been looking a little grim when he stepped out of the rink, his face brightened. He smiled. "Where would you like to go, Yuri?"

I shrugged. "Maybe somewhere with a view."

Victor grinned. "I know just the place."

To my disbelief, less than half an hour later, we were aboard a hydrofoil traveling down the Neva river, watching the twilight of St. Petersburg pass by us. Victor and I didn't talk much, but Victor was especially clingy. As it was cold anyway, I was grateful for his warmth as he wrapped his arms around me happily. About half an hour after we set off, Victor patted my shoulder and told me we should go outside and watch the boat come in.

It was a bit noisy and cold, but just a couple of minutes later, I forgot all about those things. Into view loomed the Palace of Peterhof. It had to be one of the single most beautiful structures I'd ever seen. Impossibly huge, crisply white and trimmed with gold, and surrounded by an enormous, manicured garden and a great fountain. Victor held me, smiling and glancing delightedly at my face now and then.

"Well, Yuri? Do you like the view?"

I let my head rest on his shoulder. "It's beautiful. Thank you."

We walked around the garden. I tried to savor every moment and not let my sadness ruin it. This might be one of my last dates with Victor, because I'd made a decision. If he were going to abandon me someday anyway, then there was no need to keep doing this. It would hurt less if it ended sooner rather than later.

The next day, I didn't object to any fun, touristy thing that Victor wanted to do. I laughed with him and touched him a lot. That night, we fell asleep curled up together. As I fell asleep, I heard Victor chuckle to himself, then he kissed my hair and whispered that he loved me. I bit my lip to stop from making any sound as I tried my hardest not to cry.

And then it was time for the nationals. Victor drew the first slot. I tried to sit in the stands, but Victor grabbed me with a look of surprise on his face.

"Where are you going, Yuri?" he asked, trying to smile.

I gritted my teeth. I was at my limit of holding back emotion and needed him to leave me alone for a while. "I was just going to get ready to watch you."

"From out there? Why?" he asked, laughing halfheartedly. "Watch from the rink side. If you don't, I can't hug you after."

I sighed in irritation. "It's only the nationals. You shouldn't have a problem. Why would you need a hug from me?"

"Yuri?" Victor asked in confusion, his smile partially fading.

"I'll see you after," I murmured.

"Wait!" Victor grabbed my arm again as I broke free from his last grip. "Tell me what's wrong! This has gone on long enough, Yuri, why won't you tell me?"

"Why don't you just leave me alone?!" I roared.

All the nearby skaters and staff froze. Victor seemed in shock. His grip slowly loosened and dropped from my arm. I felt my heart breaking, but the dam had broken and I couldn't stop.

"How long do you intend to drag me around like one of your stuffed animals?" I accused heartlessly. Victor didn't move. "You and I both know you could hug anyone or anything, you could have anyone by your side. Is it that important to your pride that you keep around the one you tried to mold in your own image?" Now violently trembling from head to foot, with tears of frustration dripping down my cheeks, I turned away. "I'm not your toy," I murmured. "Not anymore. I'm sorry. This thing between us, Victor…it's over."

With that, I left without a backward glance. As I walked down the empty hall toward the public seating area, tears were pouring down my face and I clutched at my chest. It felt like it had been torn open. What was I doing? Anyone would die to be Victor's toy, wouldn't they? I was so arrogant. I couldn't just be grateful. I sobbed for a while outside the door to the bleachers, not wanting to be seen while I was still crying.

Should I stay? I badly wanted to see him skate. But…I just couldn't. Neither could I leave. Instead, I sank slowly to the floor and curled up in on myself, crying into my pant legs. I couldn't watch, but I had to listen. It was too hard to leave him completely. I clung to anything I still could of Victor. The music of his short program started. And as I listened, imagining his heartbreaking performance, I lamented losing my true love forever.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

I stopped hearing all sound. After Yuri walked out the door, it was like someone had dumped molasses over me, so I could move or hear or feel anything around me. For many long moments, I remained there as I had been, not sure how to deal with what had just happened. And swirling in among the looming wall of sadness that hadn't hit me yet was denial. That hadn't really just happened. Yuri was still mine. Wasn't he? No. Wasn't he? Why?

Sound slowly came back to me in echoing pieces as I realized someone was shaking me. I looked down. Yurio was glaring up at me from under his hood, looking as worried as I have ever seen him (which was still mostly angry).

"Victor!" he snapped. His tone said that he'd been trying to get my attention for some time. "There's no time now. We're starting the warmup."

He grabbed me by the collar and yanked me down to his level, doing something very out of character for him and grabbing my head as if to comfort me (though a bit roughly). "Later. Okay? It's not over, but deal with it later. Skate now."

The hot intensity in Yuri's eyes helped me break free of some of the malaise. I nodded. All the Russian male skaters entered the rink. I almost did so with my jersey still on before Yakov yanked me back and told me to take it off. I did so, unable to grasp at that moment why it was important.

I skated slowly around the rink. Other skaters passed me like wraiths, little more than shadows, without any faces. My eyes looked up through the crowd, hoping to see Yuri there. But I could barely see anything. I drifted past walls of faceless, cheering ghosts. I luckily drifted toward the center as the warmup ended and the other skaters vanished from the rink. I was all alone. This was just like any other practice, just like before I met Yuri.

A couple of tears ran down my face as I prepared my stance. The announcer's voice sounded dull and distant. But I heard the music clearly when it started to play. My body followed the familiar pattern, movements I had trained into it over the last couple of months. I had chosen an excerpt from Scheherazade, in which the soft oboe and the high, pure violin, the voice of Scheherazade, sung out high over the rumbling orchestra. And all my muscles felt weak as I realized I was skating for my heart, as Scheherazade sang for her life.

I entered my first quad salchow, my chest feeling tight, making it hard to draw breath. I landed fine, as my body was used to these movements, but I was tiring far faster than usual. I couldn't extend as far, couldn't jump as high as usual. I couldn't draw deep breaths, so they kept coming quickly and shallowly. I don't know what my face looked like, but it must have reflected the numbness that seemed to be slowly locking up my muscles.

I entered a triple flip. I didn't land it well, but maintained the flow. I stopped feeling I was able to express myself with my arms, and I know I felt the height of each movement reduced. As I entered an outside eagle, my arms hung limply by my sides and I stayed it in for a little too long, getting off the music. My next jump, a quad toe loop, I had almost forgotten until it was time to do it. With the poor entry, it became a triple. I finished the routine, with two more triples and one combination, barely keeping pace with the music. When it finished, I stayed in my final pose for a few moments. I couldn't think of what I was supposed to do now.

I heard later that Yakov was calling my name for some time, but I didn't notice. They even announced my score, but I didn't hear it. Eventually, the announcer's voice echoed in my head, and I heard him say the name "Yuri." I blinked in shock and then looked to the entrance of the rink, where the Russian Yuri, dressed in a fiery costume, skated toward where I was. He flicked his fingers at me in a "shoo" gesture with a dark glare, indicating that I should get out of his way.

I lowered my head, but obediently skated toward the edge of the rink. I failed to slow down and bumped my hip hard into the railing, missing the exit by a few inches. Fortunately most spectators were focused on Yurio as he entered his stance, but I heard a few gasps. Yakov grabbed me and pulled me out of the rink.

"Vitya, look at me. Are you sick?" he demanded in a voice loud enough to reach my ill-working ears.

Mila hurried over from where she'd been watching in the stands. "Victor! What's the matter?"

And then Yurio's music started and my hearing went funny again. I could hear music, but not voices. I walked past Yakov and Mila even as they tried to console me. I kept walking, not really thinking, until I reached the dressing room. I untied and kicked off my skates, sitting in dull stillness for what felt like a long time. Then I needed to be outside. I left the skating rink and walked barefoot to the closest river bank. I sat down at the base of a tree, dangling my feet in the water and resting my head on the trunk. And then the sadness hit me.

I scrunched up my face and let out a loud cry, sitting there bawling like the sky was falling. I didn't even know what I'd done wrong. But somehow I hadn't paid enough attention, or hadn't been good enough, and I had lost the love of my life. I couldn't think about life without Yuri, much less skating. What was I going to do?

…

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Victor was making error after error. He still completed some difficult jumps, so that kept up his score to some extent, but when they finally announced it, I simply sat in disbelief. 86.5. It wasn't a terrible score, but it was the worst I'd ever heard of Victor getting. Unable to stop myself, I entered the bleachers and ran up the steps to see. There was Victor, still in his finishing pose, but the cheering had long since stopped. He looked frozen. Yurio entered the rink and shooed him away. Victor obediently tried to leave, but he bumped hard into the railing. I gasped.

I'd never seen Victor like that. Not knowing what else to do, I ran back down the stairs to the hall and slammed the door behind me. I tried to gather the breath that I had lost seeing him like that. That wasn't Victor. I slumped to the ground with my hands over my face. It was my fault…but why? Why would he take it so hard? I simply sat there and cried, not knowing any of these answers. And why did he act in such a confusing way? This just made me hope for more!

I hesitated about heading back to the hotel, although there was no reason for me to stay here. And my plane ticket wasn't until four days from now. I could probably change it, but it would be expensive and in any case I wouldn't be able to go home today. I was still hesitating about what to do when I got a message on my temporary Russian phone that Victor had insisted I get yesterday.

[I'm going to stay at my mother's tonight. Please stay at the hotel, Yuri. Please don't leave.]

I bit my lip in frustration, sadness and self-disgust as I stopped being able to see the words through hot tears. I could never win against Victor. With that simple message, I lost the will to leave Russia, even though moments before it was all I could think about. How much of my heart did Victor have to control before he was satisfied?

…

After the first day of competing was over, I did as I had said and went to another part of the city to impose on my mother. My mother, who was a former model and dancer, greeted me warmly but with a bit of surprise. "Happy you're home, Vitya," she told me, her blue eyes sparkling like mine. "But I thought I'd see you tomorrow. That's when you told me to come, isn't it? The free skate."

I kissed her on the cheek as I entered. "Sorry, _Mamulechka_. I just…" I sobbed a little without meaning to and tried to cover it with a smile. "…just wanted to be home."

The beautiful Vera Nikiforov sighed, her ash blonde locks, also like mine, shifting from her shoulder. She had seen me through many hard times, so this wasn't new. "I'm sorry you've had it so rough, my dear," she said, embracing me. I held her much smaller body tightly for reassurance. She patted my back gently. "Come inside."

I sat down on the couch and she heated up some leftover stew for me, which was exactly what I wanted at that moment. I thanked her and she silently curled up against me, turning on the TV. Living in Japan for so long, I'd forgotten how comforting it was to have physical contact. My mother and I leaned against each other without exchanging words, knowing we didn't have to.

About an hour later, the doorbell rang. My mother patted my knee and got up to answer it. Before she reached the door, a harsh, young voice rang out from outside the apartment, "Victor! You home?! Answer the door, dumbass!" Followed by a couple of bangs on the door.

I sighed. I passed my mother, touched her on the shoulder and nodded with a difficult smile to say I had this. I opened the door just as Yurio was preparing to kick it. He reluctantly lowered his leg. "Are you going to invite me in?"

I forced a smile. "Will you promise not to hurt my mother's things?"

"Ugh, yes, let me in!"

I offered Yurio a seat on the couch, but he refused, saying he wouldn't stay long. I shrugged and sat down myself while my mother folded her arms and leaned against a nearby wall, taking in Yurio with interest (and I think suspicion).

Yurio glared down at me while I pointedly avoided his gaze. "Don't tell me you're dropping out," he barked.

My lips parted as I looked up at him in surprise. I had to think about that. It might be better if I did. The dates had been so firm in my mind that I hadn't considered changing my plans. And it would break my heart not to be able to skate this year. But then, it was already broken so it might not matter.

"I'll skate," I replied eventually. "But…I don't think you should expect much." I shrugged with a sad smile. "I don't think I know how to skate if Yuri's not there. Yesterday I managed to keep going until the end, but… "

"He'll be there!" Yurio growled, stomping loudly on the ground with evil in his eyes.

I blinked. "Eh? Uh…you're not going to hurt him, are you?"

"We'll see. At any rate, he'll be there." Yurio huffed in dismissal. "I can sort of guess what happened." I took a breath to explain but Yurio whipped up a hand in front of my face. "I wasn't asking! The point is…I don't…not understand. That Japanese Yuri…loves you…a lot." My face twisted in anguish, hoping but not believing that was true. "But he has his head up his ass. So why don't you show him? Show him what he's missing!"

My gaze slowly lowered to the floor. I shook my head. "That won't work," I said, so softly I barely heard myself. I didn't want to say it because it felt like it would make it true. "Yuri already has me on a pedestal. He worships me, that's exactly the problem." I sniffed as tears started again. "I tried to show him we were equals…but he didn't believe me." I tucked up my legs and wrapped my arms around them, burying my face. "If I skate well tomorrow, nothing changes. If I skate poorly, he'll lose respect for me. If I don't skate, he'll abandon me and forget me, I'm sure. What else can I do?"

Yurio contemplated this for only a moment before he sighed, shaking his head. "Both of you are so brainless. You said it yourself. The problem is that he worships you. So it's simple isn't it?"

I blinked through teary eyes up at him, shaking my head.

"Ugh. Show him that you need him!"

My eyes widened. I felt like the sky had just opened up. My heart filled with hope and I gazed up at Yurio like a punkish god. How had that never occurred to me? Would it work? But it was the right thing to do, I could already tell. I stood up and tried to hug Yurio to thank him but he quickly stomped toward the door.

"You've got it now, right? I'm done. To hell with both of you! You're more trouble than you're worth!" Already outside, he stopped before closing the door behind him. "If you don't skate your best tomorrow, Victor, I swear to god I'll kick your backside in!" SLAM.

My mother looked at me with a curious half smile. "I like him," she said.

I laughed. "Me too. He'll probably be the best skater in the world in not too long." I smiled softly to myself. "But he'll have to get past the older generation first." I clenched my fist, trying to dispel all the pain I'd felt so I could focus on my last chance at saving my relationship.

I picked up my phone, entered Yakov's number and pressed call. "Yakov? Hi, how are you?" I began blithely, as if my breakdown several hours ago had never happened. "Listen, I know it's a huge inconvenience, but do you think we can change my free skate program for tomorrow to something totally different?"

I thrust the phone out at arm's length to protect my ears from the raging Yakov. I smiled at my mother and gave her a thumb's up. She laughed and shook her head.

…

I couldn't think of anything to do once I entered the hotel room again. I thought about walking around the city, but there was a possibility of seeing someone I knew, and I couldn't take that right now. It was still early, but I just went to sleep.

The next morning, not really hungry, I just stayed in bed and turned on the TV. Finally, learning Russian came in handy. I even understood a little bit of a cooking show. Of course, it only reminded me of all the work Victor had put into making me breakfast, and how terrible I had felt receiving it. He was always so far above me.

I jumped when someone banged loudly on my door. In trepidation, I got up to see who it was. I peeked through the peephole. I jumped back as I saw Yurio's thunderous gaze glaring straight at me through the hole.

"Oy, Katsudon!" BANG. He kicked the door. "Open up!"

I sighed. I sensed he wasn't just going to let me keep him out. I opened the door. "Good morning, Yu-"

He slammed the door all the way open, stomped inside, grabbed me by the collar and said, inches from my face, "Get your stuff. We're going."

"Huh?"

"Now, pig!" He kicked me in the ass to encourage me to gather my things.

"Wh-"

I halfheartedly protested, but there was no defying him in this state. I sighed heavily, putting on a coat and slipping my phone and wallet into my pockets. Seeing this done, Yurio kicked me roughly out the door. He was trying to get me to see Victor skate, I knew that. There was no point in me going, but also no point in arguing with Yurio about it. I wouldn't have to talk to Victor. I would see him skate with my own eyes one last time, and then that would be it. Still, my feet grew heavy the closer we came to the skating rink.

Yurio stopped outside the backstage area. "Go sit!" he ordered, pointing toward the public benches.

I sighed. "I-"

"Sit. Down. Now. I don't care where, but don't you think of leaving this rink until Victor's finished you got that?" He grabbed my collar again. "While we're at it, you didn't stay for my fucking short program yesterday, did you? The world is not only Victor Nikiforov. Get your head back in the game, silver medal!"

With that, he whirled away and slammed the door to the backstage area. I sighed as I stood there. What would it be like, skating in the Grand Prix against Victor? If I even made it that far this time. I had put everything into it last year, and it still hadn't been enough. This year, not only Yurio, but Victor would be competing. Even with Victor coaching me, I was sure I would have disappointed him again, disappointed everyone. At least this way, I had an excuse. And no more shame would come to Victor on my behalf.

I solemnly walked up the stairs and found a seat about five rows up from the ice. I waited as the seats slowly began to fill and the audience buzzed with excitement. I think a few noticed and recognized me. I heard some camera clicks and wished I had a book or magazine to pretend to read. I hunched down, hoping this would end soon.

After the usual fanfare, the skaters entered the ice for their warmup. Victor appeared. He was wearing an asymmetrical, soft white shirt that fluttered as he moved and covered one hip seductively, and black pants. It was a pure and open-hearted costume, more open than any I had seen him wear. He glided toward the center of the rink and suddenly, our eyes met. I gasped. I knew he had incredibly good vision, but how could he possibly recognize me in a crowd this large? He continued gliding slowly out, holding my gaze for what felt like hours. My eyes began to tear up, but I managed not to cry. I think he smiled a little. Then he began to warm up.

See? I told Yurio, inside my mind. He's fine. He doesn't need me.

I couldn't keep my eyes off him, even though I felt Yurio in the corner of my eye trying to catch everyone's attention with his pure black costume with feathers around his neck like a collar. I knew he would be performing the Black Swan for his free skate and honestly, I wanted to see it. I felt he would overcome everyone's expectations once again.

Still, for now, my attention was focused on Victor as he gently glided around, trying a few doubles for practice. Finally, the announcer's voice came down, instructing the other skaters to leave the rink. And then it was only Victor. I realized with surprise that he was going first because he'd gotten the lowest score yesterday. Was it even possible that he would make the cut for the Grand Prix with a short program so bad?

They said Victor's name. The audience grew quiet. After his performance yesterday, everyone was nervous. Yet at the same time, no one could give up on him. The audience hummed with anticipation as he took up his stance.

I frowned. That wasn't the one he had practiced. Why would he change that at the last minute? The music started. My eyes widened. At first, I was so shocked to hear it, I thought it was in my own head. And then, Victor raised his hands toward his face, a perfect expression of the loneliness and hopelessness I had felt when I was fighting alone. He took a step and arched his hands down his body, in my anguish at failure.

My breath caught in my throat. I couldn't stop the tears that flowed freely down my face. It was…me. While Yuri on Ice played over the speakers of this magnificent rink in Victor's home, Victor was skating me. His normally erotic and flexible body was attempting to become humble and stiff. In his movements, I saw myself. And all of a sudden, love and pain and heartbreak and guilt and joy filled up every corner of my heart. Victor entered his first quad. My quad. My heart stopped as he spun in the air.

As he landed, I couldn't stop. I leapt out of my seat and ran as fast as I could toward the backstage area. I raced past other skaters, including Yurio and Georgi, as well as irate staff who tried to stop me, into the rink side area. I clapped my hands on the rail and watched, unstoppable tears continuing to drip down, as Victor showed me exactly how well he knew me.

From this close, I could see, he was crying. But he was smiling too. His love for me wasn't only painful, I realized, he felt joy in it. His love was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. As the music built, Victor's face became a jumble of emotions, his body perfectly copying mine while adding his own heart into the steps. He was openly panting, because the program was of course designed for me and he had less endurance, but he didn't even hesitate. He entered each jump with his whole heart, without a trace of fear.

He entered his final sit spin. The flowing white of his costume so perfectly matched the litheness of his body. I realized how Victor must have felt seeing me perform his routine. How had I been so dismissive of his feelings for so long? How had I failed to notice that, if anything, Victor was more deeply in love with me than I was in him? How had I failed for so long to even try to see him for who he was?

The piano slowly reached its soft climax, and Victor stopped in my final pose, hand stretched toward part of the audience. I drew in a sharp breath. His hand was pointing toward where I had been sitting. Victor panted as he watched in confusion. He had realized I wasn't there. Despair etched itself over his features.

"Victor!"

Victor's eyes widened. He turned in disbelief to see me at the rink entrance, waiting for him. I was quite a mess. My face was twisted up with emotion, tears and snot dripping all down it, my eyes and cheeks and nose probably bright red. But I opened up my arms. The most divine look of relief and happiness reached Victor's face, then it grew ugly as well with tears. He raced toward the entrance and threw his arms around me, holding me tight. He was shaking, but so was I.

"Yuri…" he whispered, then began to sob.

I stroked his hair, wishing I could take back what I'd said to him. "Victor…I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I…I…" I buried my head in his shoulder and cried loudly. "I'm sorry you have to love someone like me!"

"Someone like you?" Victor shoved me back, forcing me to meet his gaze. "I thought you understood. Yuri, you make me happier than I've ever been. You inspire me." He kept talking even as tears dripped down his face. "Just seeing your face changes everything, makes a bad day into a good one. You work so hard to be my equal, but you've been my better half ever since I met you. Yuri, I love you." He took up my right hand in his and kissed my matching ring. "I want to be with you for the rest of my life. Marry me."

I froze. "Huh?!"

The announcer's voice interrupted, "And the free skate score for Victor Nikiforov…amazing! He has matched Katsuki Yuri's world record with a 221.58! This brings his total score to 308.08, now that will be tough to beat! If you counted him out, remember Victor Nikiforov loves to surprise his audience! This Russian national skate competition is far from over!"

Victor smiled gently at me. "We've already been engaged since last winter. Don't you think it's time to set a date?"

"Ehhhhhh?!"


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five

"Yuri. You're shaking," Victor whispered, still clasping my hand.

I'm sure he was right. Happiness was making me feel weak as he drew in close and kissed the tears from my eyes. Around us, the audience was still clapping for Victor and the lights still glared down on us. But the only thing I was conscious of in our environment was the chill and smell of the ice and Victor's sweat and body heat against me. I shivered as the strength left my muscles and I leaned into him.

"But…" I murmured helplessly, unable to contain the happiness and trepidation and uncertainty. "Men can't get married in Japan. Or Russia for that matter."

Victor shrugged. "We'll work something out." He leaned down to catch my gaze. "Is that a yes?"

I think my shaking increased as I started crying again. "I…I don't know…I haven't even told my parents about you…I'm not, I don't know, mentally prepared for marriage…"

Victor's smile turned a little sad, but he kissed my cheek again. "Okay. Then let's leave it at that for now," he said softly, stroking my hair. He stopped for a moment and added with a halfhearted smile of uncertainty, "You're not going to get scared and leave me because I said that, are you?"

I gasped and drew back to meet his gaze even as tears dripped down my face. "I love you!" I cried, probably much too loudly. Victor blinked with a confused smile while Yakov blushed nearby, having obviously overheard. "If you're happy with me, then…I want to be with you forever, Victor. I don't ever want to hurt you again. I'm not ready yet, but if I ever am, you're the only one I want to spend my life with so…when that time comes…"

My face felt so hot it could have melted the ice. My shaking hands reached their peak as I took both of Victor's in mine and prepared to say the bravest thing I ever had in my life. "Victor!" I squeaked in a voice that broke. "Will you marry me…um…too?!"

"Haha. _Vsem svoim serdtsem_!" Victor cried, hugging me so hard he pushed all the air out of my lungs.

"Okay…" I squeaked. "That was a bunch of words I don't know…"

"If you're not sure, then come with me."

Victor kept hold of my hand and pulled me backstage to a small corridor leading to a storage area where no one could see. "Uh…Victor…I'm happy, but Yurio will be angry if we don't watch…"

"There's plenty of time. Look at me, Yuri."

I obeyed and met his gaze. Even in the low light and zero atmosphere of this cold little hallway, he sparkled. His smile, so beautiful but also filled with affection for me, made my heart feel tightly squeezed. I felt love from him like a wave of heat through my body and lost all the strength in my legs. I thumped my back against the wall, utterly mesmerized by him.

He gently stroked my face. "I'll always love you."

I closed my eyes and felt his lips touch mine. Shocks of electricity ran down my whole body and I moaned out loud, a shaking breath leaking into his mouth. Our lips parted and we shared heated breaths. Victor clasped my face in both hands and kissed me deeply, as if trying to drown me in him, or maybe the other way around. I wrapped my arms around him, clinging to him lest I fall. We kissed for minutes on end, losing track of time. I just caught an announcement over the sound of Victor's heartbeat against my chest.

I drew a breath in. "Victor," I gasped between kisses.

"Mm?" he asked against my mouth.

"I think…they said Yurio's name…"

"Mm," he replied reluctantly, kissing me one more time. We held hands as we rejoined the crowd on the rink side. He turned to me and smiled playfully. "Well. This should be fun. Let's see what he has for us."

But at that moment, we both flinched as a dark creature swept past us onto the rink. It glided out onto the white ice like a sinister, black bird, seeming out of place with the real world, as if a fantastical creature not meant to be seen by human eyes had crossed the barrier between the next world and this one. It turned to face us and took up a pose, hunched in on itself as if taking shelter from the cold. I don't think either of us recognized him at that point.

The music started. At the first blare of horns, the creature raised its head and opened its wings. Its dark eyes flashed with evil. Yurio, looking nothing like himself with black makeup streaked across his eyes, took a step and began to skate. He arched his back and let his arms shudder as if stretching his new wings, though of course they were only an illusion. His costume was all black with a few strategic sequins to highlight the slimness of his body. Around his hips was a hip-hugging skirt of feathers, blurring the line between masculine and feminine. His hair was tightly pulled back and a crown of black feathers covered most of his hairline. It was a perfect opposition to the white swan he had skated in his short program, which I had seen in practice but unfortunately not with the costume. Truly, once Yuri Plisetsky got into character, he was terrifying.

The routine started with strict, exquisite ballet, Yuri leaping, stretching, and raising his leg to impossible heights while maintaining perfect form and pride in his movements, as was his specialty. It was as if he were taking his time casting a dark spell over his audience. His movements weren't simply an extension of the music, he raised it to further heights. His perfectly held attitude derriere, in combination with the intensity of his gaze, was breathtaking. As the music grew more intense, he began to lose form to become more animal than human, his expressive arm movements truly more and more like wings than a dancer's arms, his leaps becoming lower, longer and more chaotic. As the drama grew, toward the point when Odette contemplated killing herself in despair, he attempted a quad toe loop with both hands stretched above his head. He ended up underrotating and touching down one hand on the exit. I thought I heard him curse out loud.

He raced across the ice as if aerodynamic friction were a foreign concept to him. He scraped his hands through the air as if trying to escape from some invisible prison, curled in on himself and then exploded into a split leap that made the audience gasp. Many times he reached out in desperation, yet after would perform a death drop into a sit spin as if deepening the spell. The dance was now frenetic and looked exhausting. He was both Odette and Odile, powerful yet defeated, evil and yet pleading for salvation. The illusion would have been perfect if not for the fact that now and then his face was visible, and there was no pure and innocent Odette in there.

Yurio had probably chosen a program that was beyond him, but from the bottom of my heart I hoped the judged would give him credit for trying. And to perform Tchaikovsky so beautifully here in St. Petersburg must surely win him some points. Truly, he was so beautiful and frightening, even without the acting component completely there, that I thought somehow he should be preserved as a living work of art.

He ended his routine in a mind-blowing back-bend, arms hanging limp behind him in the image of beautiful, ethereal death. The end of the music was so soft in comparison to the dramatic climax that the audience remained in stunned silence for a long few seconds. Then, in a gradual explosion, it erupted with cheers, tearful cries of his name and bravos. In moments, the ice was strewn with roses and small toys (and a few cat ears). Victor and I couldn't help but join the cheers.

But moments later, after his bow, Yuri's normal expression returned and he was simply a mildly displeased teenager. He had not skated to his own expectations. But now, wondering what those might be, I felt excitement fill my chest. I wanted to compete against him.

Victor tilted his head with a little chuckle as he clapped. "I think we're in trouble."

I nodded, but still felt myself smiling.

In the end, after losing some points for that under-rotation and touch down, a few low jumps and somewhat incomplete acting, Yuri still placed first in the Russian nationals. And despite his earlier mistakes, Victor still managed to get silver. After the award ceremony, Victor skater over to me and showed me his medal.

He shrugged with a smile. "Technically I think this is half yours."

I snorted with laughter. "No," I said, caressing his cheek without a care for who might be watching. "You made it yours just now. Congratulations." I pulled him close and kissed him on the cheek.

To my disbelief, Victor blushed, suddenly looking sheepish.

"What's wrong?" I asked him.

He took my right hand in his, admiring it for a moment. He placed it over his heart, and then pressed his forehead to mine. He met my eyes, looking unusually unsure of himself, although happy. "I feel pretty pathetic letting everyone down with my short this time. From now on, I won't hold anything back. When we meet in the final six, I'll give my everything. If you still get gold after that, you'll be the best in the world. And if you don't, well…I'll charge you all my back coaching fees."

I had a moment of panic at imagining how high they must be by now. But as I saw Victor's lip twitch, I covered my mouth to hide a laugh. Then we both collapsed against each other in laughter.

Yuri glided past behind Victor. "Stupid couple!" he barked.

I bit my lip as desire started to well up after the relief of knowing Victor was truly mine. I clasped Victor's cheek in my hand and whispered softly against his mouth, despite my own embarrassment, "Victor…I want to be alone with you."

Victor looked deep into my eyes and I saw the same desire in them as I felt myself. He nodded. "You took the words out of my mouth."

Somehow, we sneaked out through the crowd, all the while unable to let go of each other. As we entered the hotel together, unlike his usual self, Victor was not smiling. But his eyes didn't leave me for an instant. His gaze made my whole body warm and tingly the longer I felt it. When we entered the room, he threw his arms around me.

"Yuri," he murmured softly.

I felt a new wave of emotion strike me and couldn't help another tear falling against his chest. "I'm so sorry, Victor," I whispered.

He drew back to look at me with concern. "Sorry?"

I had started to shake again and bit my lip, wiping new tears away and covering my face with my hands, even as Victor tried to draw me close again to comfort me. "I hurt you…because I'm so insecure. You've always been so good to me, and I didn't believe you…I'm sorry…"

Victor made an exasperated noise and flopped his head down on my shoulder. "My funny Yuri," he mumbled. "I thought you understood. If I minded you being insecure, do you think I could have skated you like that?"

"Eh…" I muttered, eyes widening. Was Victor saying he had skated my faults too? Meaning…he loved those too?

"Well, I wouldn't mind you having more confidence in yourself," he admitted, shrugging. "Because I think it would make you happier and I want the one I love to be happy. But…" He gave me a quirky smile. "I think you're happy in your own way. And I don't want you to change who you are. Because I love everything about Katsuki Yuri. Get it now?"

My lip quivered as a new wave of tears struck. I let out a childish cry. "Victor…you're so amazing…how can you be happy with someone like me?!" I demanded in tears.

"Wow! Okay, calm down, Yuri. You know I'm not good with crying…what was it you asked me to do that time…oh, yes."

With that, Victor gathered me up in his arms again. He didn't say anything. He just held me. Reassured me silently with his presence, his warmth, his heartbeat, his scent, and the confidence and love that radiated from him. Just like in his skating, Victor was able to jump into things fearlessly. Even though I'd hurt him, he embraced me without fear of the unknown. I swore to learn that from him too, because I couldn't stand seeing him hurt again because of me.

Eventually, my sobbing subsided and I embraced him in return. I buried my face against his chest, nuzzling against him. He stroked my hair a little and whispered in my ear, "Shall we take a bath together?"

I nodded against his chest.

…

We went to the bathroom together and both undressed slowly while watching each other. I was trying to seem confident, to make Yuri feel safe, but in reality the idea of Yuri truly opening his heart to me was making me tremble with happiness and uncertainty about what it would do to me. When we were naked together, we stood close for a moment. I ran my fingers down his arm and held his hand. Though again blinking tears out of his eyes, my sweet little Yuri stood on his tiptoes and pressed the softest kiss to my lips. I stroked his soft black hair, admiring the loving expression on his face, then returned his kiss with an equally soft one.

We stepped into the bath together when it was mostly full. We continued kissing as we sank together into the warm water. I leaned back and pulled Yuri's chest against mine, cradling him in the valley of my legs. He grasped onto me and nuzzled his head into my neck like a dog. As he claimed my lips in a kiss again, he ran his hands up my chest and paused with his fingers over my nipples. With one hand he grasped my pectoral muscle, massaging it. With the other, he gently teased my nipple with the tips of his fingers.

"Ahh…" I moaned, clinging to him. "Yuri…" I murmured, then grasped his face in both hands and demanded a passionate kiss.

Yuri whimpered against my lips, his body pressed tight to mine. He continued absently stroking my chest, but this time feeling all my muscles reverently. I returned the favor, running my fingers along every muscle and curve from the back of his neck to all the way down his back. As I reached the small of his back, Yuri gasped and threw his head back, trembling.

I watched him with fascination. "Yuri…is your back sensitive?"

Though clearly embarrassed, he struggled to answer, "I could never get massages…I'd always cry. My mother said she's the same. As for that kind of sensitive…it's news to me." He cutely bit his lip as his cheeks flushed with shame. "You're the…first person to touch me there."

I smiled. "Tell me more things about you, Yuri. I want to know everything."

"I don't…ah!"

He cried out as I caressed the small of his back again, this time sucking down on his neck at the same time. He wiggled like a cat in my arms, unable to sit still. But as he shivered and moaned and whimpered, I felt his hardening cock press against my stomach. I got an idea for another kind of fun to have with him later, but now I wanted to be inside him so bad my mind was going blank. I ran my tongue up the inside of his neck and inserted it into his ear.

"Nnnnhh!" Yuri cried, his back arching to press his chest tight to mine while his hips wiggled away from me.

"Don't run away," I chided against his ear, and grasped both his buttocks in my hands.

Yuri collapsed against me, letting out a trembling sigh. As my hands massaged his ass, his inexperienced hips rolled encouragingly against them, his cock bumping against my stomach and thigh now and then. I closed my eyes and nuzzled his neck as I reached one finger down to stroke his entrance.

"Ah…ah!" Yuri cried, twitching and leaning against me.

Though I was impatient to be inside him, it had been a while and I wanted to take it slow. I took my time softening his entrance before even inserting a finger.

"Ngh…Victor," Yuri whined. "Hurry."

Heat swarmed through my body. Where did Yuri get this natural skill for stripping away my reason? I kissed his neck desperately as I slowly inserted a finger. Yuri let out a satisfied breath. As I slowly stroked him, he wrapped his arms around my shoulders, his hips rolling with the movement of my finger. His breath came so sweetly, interspersed with moans, as he clung to me and encouraged a second finger by wiggling his hips.

"Victor, please!" he moaned, the pace of his hips increasing.

"Yuri, I know but any faster and I might hurt you…" I tried to reason with him, even though his insistence was making my cock ache.

Yuri looked down at me, panting. "You won't," he said softly.

I laughed halfheartedly. "I know. You love me so you think it'll be okay, but just to be safe-"

"Victor, can't you tell?" he asked me. In his desperation, some of his embarrassment had left and I found myself gazing into the eyes of Eros Yuri. I shivered with excitement. "I can't enjoy myself anymore unless I imagine you. When you're not here, how do you expect me to be satisfied unless I compensate?"

I blinked up at him in amazement. "C-…compensate?"

Yuri sighed. To my surprise, he reached back and removed my fingers. Instead, he inserted his own. As I watched, he gasped and panted as he stretched himself with two, then three fingers, laying bear his twitching cock above the water for me to see. He met my eyes again for a moment. He swallowed with desire and, while holding my gaze, lowered his hips down over mine. He grasped my cock under the water and lined it up against his pink, twitching hole.

"Ah…Yuri…wait…ah!" I cried, desperately clinging to him as his warm hole tightly enveloped my cock.

As his hips settled onto mine, my whole cock inside him, we both trembled and gasped. Yuri's arms wrapped around my head and he whispered breathlessly, "Victor…please…"

"Yuri!"

I wrapped my arms around his back as I slowly drew my cock out and pushed it back in. He was tight, but as he implied, he must have been using his fingers frequently because I had little trouble sliding in and out. Yuri likewise was moving against me, encouraging faster movement. For me, just grasping so tightly to Yuri's chest as he moaned above me was already a turn on, and after so long behind inside him felt amazing, but it was a little difficult to move.

After a few moments, Yuri whimpered, "Victor…I can't cum…"

I chuckled. "It's not easy to have sex in the bath, is it?"

Reluctantly, Yuri extricated himself from me. He sat on the edge of the tub for a moment regaining his breath. I stood and took his hand, leading him back out to the bed. We kissed, but after a moment, Yuri broke away and placed both hands on the bed, raising his ass for me to see.

"Victor…hurry…"

I squeezed my fist in pleasant anguish. "Yuri, I can never win against you! But hang on, now that we're here I'd better at least put a condom on."

"Why?" Yuri queried, tilting his head seductively. "Then I couldn't feel your cum inside me."

" _Radi boga_ …" I gasped, burying my face in my hands to try to restore some sanity. "Okay. Yuri," I said, wrapping my arms around him from behind. Into his ear, I murmured, "I'll give you what you want. But don't cry to me when your ass hurts tomorrow."

He nodded, while pressing his hips up against me. I sighed and quickly grabbed some lotion from the bedside table, slicking my cock and Yuri's entrance with it. I slid slowly inside him. We both gasped, leaning against one another for support. I wrapped my arms around Yuri, resting the side of my head on his back, just holding him like this for a moment. I drew back, running my hands up his thighs. Yuri quivered, biting his lip. I pulled out a little, then thrust inside.

"Ah!" Yuri cried.

I moved slowly inside him at first, savoring every sensation, his every breath and move of his body beneath me. Seeming to grow impatient, Yuri met my thrusts with his own, even as he gasped and moaned. I stopped being able to control the pace. It felt so good and Yuri was so sexy. I grasped his hips and buried myself in him over and over until I couldn't stop.

"Victor!" Yuri cried, his arms buckling against the bed as he tried to remain standing. His back arched and his hole grew tight around me as his orgasm drew near. But unfortunately, that was too much for me.

"Yuri…I'm sorry…I'm…ah!" I gasped as waves of pleasure rolled over me.

"Ah…" Yuri sighed, twitching as I filled him up with cum.

Indeed, I couldn't stop. I would think it was finished and then another wave would hit. I collapsed against Yuri as the waves slowly died down and my cock drained itself inside him. I stood there breathlessly, blinking through the pleasure that robbed me of thought.

At length, I realized I'd left him unsatisfied. I sighed and reached around to stroke his cock a little. Yuri cutely whimpered, leaning back against me. "I'm sorry," I said. "You felt so good and you were so sexy…I lost it a bit."

"It's okay, I can do it myself," Yuri murmured, twitching again as I brushed the tip.

I gaped at him. "We're practically married! Like hell you will. Hang on."

Gently, I drew myself out of Yuri. I reached a couple of fingers inside in a vain attempt to clean him out a little. For good measure, I knelt down and licked his insides. Yuri choked out a high-pitched cry in surprise, though I could see his balls tightening and cock twitching, even as his hole twitched around my tongue.

"Well, that's about as good as I can do for now. I'll clean you properly in the bath after," I told him. "Come here."

I half tossed him onto his back on the bed. He blinked up at me from there, wondering what I was doing. I squirted some more lotion into my hand before joining him on the bed, straddling him over his waist.

"We've never done this with me on top before, right?" I asked him with a grin, as I spread the lotion over my entrance.

Yuri swallowed heavily, his eyes trapped in what my hands were doing. Though a little twitchy and sensitive from cumming so recently, my hole was nice as loose and didn't take long to open up. I reached into the drawer for a condom, stretching it over Yuri's cock. I rubbed some more lotion over it as well, causing him to gasp, then finally lowered myself down onto him.

I have to admit, I saw stars a little. My renewed love for Yuri and his acceptance of me, combined with the way he'd been seducing me tonight, had stirred me up a little too much and it felt like every spot inside me had turned into an erogenous zone. Even just feeling his cock twitch inside me send a shiver of pleasure up my spine. I bit my lip and let out a pleased breath, trying to calm down. And when I glanced down at Yuri's face, it was all worth it.

He seemed a little shocked that this was happening, blushing and trembling a little. He had partly covered his face with his hands, but was peeking through them, fascinated to see my hips pressed to his own. I grinned. I sometimes forgot that Yuri was so inexperienced. It was a special privilege to get to see such a cute expression on my beloved.

"How is it, Yuri?" I asked him in a soft, teasing tone, placing my hands on his chest and pulling out a little.

"Ahhh…" Yuri moaned, still staring at the place we were connected. "Victor…on top of me…riding me…is this real?" he mumbled to himself.

I laughed. "Let's see." I shifted my hips, pressing back down, then pulled back, pressed down again. Yuri panted loudly, moaning intermittently, unable to tear his eyes away from the sight of his dick sliding in and out of me. For my part, I couldn't stop watching his face. He was so cute. It was really turning me on. My cock twitched back to life and I shuddered with a moan.

Forgetting my idea to tease Yuri a little and make him cum with my uke-technique, I sat back a little to put both feet on the bed to get better leverage. I shuddered, feeling the angle of his cock inside me tighten and press hard into my prostate. My half-hard cock bounced as I moved. Yuri looked almost panicked, his mouth hanging open as he stared at my hole wrapped around his cock. When I started to move, he threw his head back with a cry.

"Victor!" he moaned, grabbing onto my hips.

I was about to say his name, but then he moved his legs to do the same thing I had done and began thrusting up into me to pound my insides at incredible speed. Wordless moans poured from my mouth as he jammed his cock against my prostate so many times I felt my consciousness slipping. But even as I was close to the edge, Yuri seemed lost in pleasure.

"Victor…I love…love you…I'm going crazy…Victor!"

"Yu…ri…" I gasped.

And then Yuri arched his back up, holding me off the bed as he sprayed my insides with thick, powerful cum. My eyes flickered as pleasure wracked my brain. Without even getting fully hard again, I had cum, and the dilute substance was now dripping down my cock to Yuri's stomach. Yuri's hips slowly lowered me back down. I swayed, barely holding myself up. I managed to shift forward again and tumble to the bed on top of Yuri. His cock was still twitching inside me. It felt so good.

After a few moments to regain our sanity, Yuri let out a heavy breath. "Victor…" he mumbled. "I'm dead."

"Same," I replied, still a little out of breath.

But good old Yuri, it only took him a couple of minutes' rest like this to be ready to go again. The next thing I knew, I was on my back with my legs spread wide in Yuri's hands. Before that night was done, I think we did it three more times. That was fine with me. Truthfully, I wanted nothing more at that moment but to exhaust ourselves together. When we finally settled down, after another bath and a final blowjob from Yuri while I cleaned him out, I held him tight in my arms. He clung to me, burying his head in the crook of my neck. As we fell asleep, we each whispered our love for each other.

…

We still had a few days left in Russia. Victor introduced me to his mother, and I did my best not to look like it was the worst thing that ever happened to me. Contrary to my expectations though, even though Victor assured me she was aware of our relationship, she seemed to take a liking to me. She even touched my cheek and told me I was cute (I think, but it was in Russian). Victor seemed delighted that we got along, but he didn't look happy when his mother called me cute. He pulled me away from her and claimed we had somewhere to be. So we said our goodbyes and promised to visit again. And that was it; hardly the public trial by fire that I had been picturing.

We did a few more touristy things and spent the rest of our time skating together, because now it was my turn. As soon as we returned to Japan, it would be the final training phase before the Japanese Nationals. I had a lot to prove this time. And until then I had a couple of days to wonder…about whether Victor would need a new introduction to my parents…as my fiancé. And that was the start of a new cycle of anxiety. I really had no idea what Victor saw in me. But in any case, off we went to the nationals!


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six

The next morning would later become one of the moments in my life I would look back on as the definition of perfect happiness. Victor and I woke at about the same time, our eyes slowly opening to focus on each other as we lay entwined together. Victor smiled at me, his hair shifting to cover his eyes. I couldn't help but return the smile, and curled up against him, enjoying the warmth of his skin, the sound of his breathing and heartbeat and pleasant his masculine smell, wanting to stay like this all day.

Eventually, Victor reached a hand up and stroked my hair. "Did you sleep well, Yuri?"

I nodded. "The best in a long time," I said softly. "How about you, Victor? You must be tired."

"Ha ha. Well, honestly I wasn't until you had your way last night."

I flinched, guilt sinking into my stomach. "Sorry," I mumbled into my pillow.

He just grinned widely and chuckled a little, ruffling my hair. "I love you, so I'll put up with a lot, Yuri."

I flinched as another arrow of guilt struck me. "You're really good at that passive aggressive thing, Victor."

"I don't know what you mean," he said with an innocent chuckle. Though in all honesty, since Victor was both a genius and a bit of an airhead, I had no idea whether he was serious or not. But either way, he wrapped both arms around me and pulled himself closer under the covers. "To have you all to myself like this…so pure and so sweet…I'm so happy, Yuri."

I closed my eyes, relaxing into his arms, though a tiny hint of pain flickered through my chest. Victor seemed to notice my reaction.

"Yuri?" he asked.

There was one question I'd been wanting to ask for a long time. I couldn't ask it before, being too insecure and unsure of Victor's feelings. But we were so happy now. I didn't want to ruin it. I forced a smiled. "It's nothing."

Victor's smile faded and his cold blue eyes watched me unflinchingly. I started to sink away, getting nervous under their intensity. Suddenly, Victor flicked me on the forehead.

"Ow!" I cried, rubbing it. "What-"

"I thought you understood by now, Yuri." Victor clasped my face in his hands and pulled it toward his own so I couldn't look away from his devastatingly handsome face. "Don't shut me out. I love all of you, so it doesn't matter what you say or do, that won't change. If you love me, let me in."

I was so moved I felt tears come to my eyes, but I held back from crying. Victor was being so loving and accepting of me, I had to try to reciprocate. I was afraid he would be put off or hurt by my insecurity, but then I remembered the way he skated Yuri on Ice. He said he loved my insecurities too.

I met his gaze. I knew he could see right through me and wouldn't let me get away with leaving him out of my thought process. And without a doubt, if I didn't say it out loud, these fears would only grow. I closed my eyes with a long breath.

"When Mila called me…" I tried to say it, but couldn't. "…that," I muttered. "I realized I didn't know if…we were…just us."

"Just us?"

I buried my head in the pillow. It was so embarrassing exposing all the worst parts of my personality, especially in front of someone I loved. No, it's okay, I told myself. Keep trying. Victor wants to know.

"I'm sorry," I mumbled, turning my face back toward him but unable to meet his gaze. "Before…I thought it was just as she said. I was just…an amusement for you."

"Oh, Yuri…" Victor murmured, stroking my hair.

I closed my eyes as a few tears slipped down across my nose. Victors fingers lightly pressed their traces away. I tried my best to keep going. "So I wondered if I was the only one. And…I told myself that that was okay." My eyes widened and I looked into his eyes, anxiously. "I mean…if I'm not, it's all right…I won't stop you…" My volume gradually decreased as my eyes drifted away from his. It hurt so much to say it out loud, but I had to be brave in case it was true. "You've made me so happy, I don't have any right to monopolize you."

Victor didn't respond immediately and I feared he would agree. I glanced up at him. To my surprise, he was looking at me as if I'd struck him. Shocked and hurt. I knew I shouldn't have said anything. Even if it were true, it was none of my business. Why did I have to be so possessive?

"Is that what you were thinking about all this time?" Victor asked, in a low voice that didn't sound like him.

"Huh?" I murmured, watching him in confusion.

Victor look away from me. His brows drew together, his eyelids fluttered against his cheeks as if he might cry. He looked badly wounded. "So when we did all those things together, breakfast and going around the city, you were thinking…who else is he doing this with?"

I didn't know how to respond because I couldn't tell what was happening to him. But since I could do nothing else, I merely remained in silence.

He covered his eyes with his hand. He took a big breath in and let out a difficult sigh. "I had wondered how far we were apart. Farther than I thought, it seems." When he moved his hand to wipe his eyes, I realized he was actually crying. "You went all that time thinking not only did I not love you, not only was I being unfaithful, but that I thought of you as a toy?"

"Well…if it's true, there no need for you to-"

"Of course it isn't, and don't even say that." Victor grasped my right hand in his. He looked intensely into my eyes. "I need you to look harder at me than you are doing, Yuri. Sometimes I think you get a little dazzled and look away too quickly. If you look at me, you should be able to tell…yes, I'm fickle. I may be enthralled by others now and then, and it's true I have had lovers before now." I closed my eyes as unexpected pain ran through my chest. I knew that was true, why did it hurt to hear it? "But wherever my gaze may wander, my heart can only be moved by you. Ever since the first time I saw you skate, and not for one moment since then have I stopped loving you."

He brought my hand close to his chest and held it against his heart. "I'm sorry. I know I'm so flakey, I must be difficult to trust. I'll try to understand. I'll be patient. Let's work on trusting each other more and more, okay Yuri?"

As another tear slid down my face, I nodded. "You are flakey," I mumbled.

"I know! I said it myself, but still it kind of hurts to hear! Ha ha…"

He held my gaze for a few peaceful moments and then we kissed.

…

That day, Victor wouldn't let me leave the hotel. He barely let me leave the bed. He said the only way for him to feel better about everything was to spend all day in each other's arms. By some strange coincidence, that was exactly what I wanted too. I loved him so much.

We ordered room service and watched TV all day, laying on each other and finding the most comfortable ways to sleep together. We spent most of the day naked and touched all the time. Not even sexually, just being close. It was one of the happiest days of my life.

That night, we only had sex once, but it took hours. We started by doing as we'd been doing all day, just touching. Eventually that became kissing. We kissed for such a long time, but it never stopped feeling good. Kissing became more erotic touching. We carefully explored each other's bodies. My whole body felt electrified and hyper sensitive to every caress of Victor's fingers. I loved the way his stomach muscles twitched when I stroked his cock. The heavy release of his breath when I slipped my tongue inside his ear.

Victor started kissing my body, every inch of it. He drew my fingers into his mouth, one my one. He drew them out, lovingly kissed and then lightly nipped the inside of my wrist. He kissed the most sensitive part of my under arm, making me jump, and he tickled my nipple with his tongue. I moaned and rolled my hips, already desiring him. He laid a trail of kisses down my chest, stopping once to explore the inside of my belly button with his tongue. I giggled because as much as it felt good, it very ticklish. He chuckled at me as he relented and drew out his tongue.

Instead of continuing down toward my cock, he diverted and licked the inside of my hip. I twitched; I had no idea that spot was so sensitive. He continued down to my thigh, kissing and then licking. His tongue traveled further in, until he had his face perilously close to my cock and his tongue resting just where my genital area met my leg. Suddenly, and with a low moan, he sucked down hard, pulling the skin into his mouth.

"Ahhh!" I cried, my cock twitching against my stomach and leaving a trail of precum.

He moved on to my taint, lifting my legs a little to reach it. He licked me over and over, rubbing me red and causing my hips to buck against his face. Finally he pulled my balls into his mouth, sucking contentedly on one and then the other.

"Victor…" I pleaded.

Possibly he sensed that I was tempted to stroke myself, because he slowly reached up and clasped both my hands in his, weaving our fingers together. I grasped his hands tightly as I moaned and helplessly shifted my hips. Victor seemed quite content just licking my balls, but eventually he complied with my desire and pressed a soft kiss to the tip of my cock. I jumped and then sighed, my breath coming fast.

I was trembling with desire. It was so hard no to cum. But Victor's movements were so careful and loving that there was no hurry. He eventually did draw my whole cock into his mouth, and I sighed as waves of warmth from his attentive caresses traveled through my whole body. He took his time tasting me, swallowing me deeply and then shallowly, alternately licking and sucking. But soon he shifted both arms under my hips for better purchase and began sucking down hard and fast. Several times he paused just as I was at the brink of orgasm and tears came to my eyes as precum dripped down Victor's throat and my cock twitched, desperate for release.

But when I finally did cum, it was when Victor shifted my hips up even further and simultaneously thrust his tongue inside my asshole as he grasped my hand. I bit my lip and cried out as my cock spurted onto my stomach. But because he'd been teasing me so much and because my cock hadn't had direct stimulation, it was just a small orgasm that left me panting and my cock still rock hard.

Victor chuckled at me as he fetched lube and a condom, running the lube over his fingers and replacing his tongue with them inside my hole, causing me to gasp and quiver. "It's so cute when you don't cum all the way, Yuri."

I buried my face in my hands in shame. "So embarrassing…"

"Hey, don't cover your cute face! That was turning me on," Victor chided, grinning handsomely.

I whimpered but complied by lowered my hands just a little to see two of his fingers slowly plunging in and out of my hole. I bit the skin of my hand as they reached deeper, tickling my sensitive spots.

"It's a good thing you turned out gay, Yuri. Your body is really well made for this," Victor commented, smiling down at me.

"Don't make fun of me!"

Victor blinked in surprise. "Wait, you are gay, right? I didn't just corrupt you or something right?" He stopped what he was doing and leaned over to look me hard in the eye, which was especially embarrassing. "Please don't say I did that. Corrupting innocent little Yuri with my adult desires…"

I made noise of frustration. "Oh just put it in already, perverted old man!"

Victor chuckled again. "Your wish is my command."

He put on a condom and rubbed his cock with lube, briefly widened his fingers inside me to make sure I was stretched out enough for him, then slowly slid inside me. As I was trembling with pleasant sensations, Victor closed his eyes with a smile and an appreciative noise. He opened his eyes and held my gaze. I gasped; meeting his gaze right now, with him inside me, was so intimate that I felt all outside thought being blown away by sensations deeper and more intense than any I had ever felt.

As I was struggling to cope with these new sensations, Victor shifted down to wrap his arms around me and press his chest to mine. I naturally spread my legs further apart and instinctively wrapped them around him. With his face now inches from mine, we were so closely entwined it almost felt like we had become one person. His warm hard cock pulsed a little inside me. His heartbeat thudded lightly against my chest. His breath touched my lips and I saw my own eyes reflected in his. I was wrapped in his heat and he in mine.

We kissed softly. When Victor drew back for a moment, a little pain touched his face. He gently touched my hair. "I love you so much," he said against my lips.

My heart ached so badly it felt like it might explode. I whimpered and helplessly kissed him. "Me too. Victor…I love you. I love you. I…"

As I started to get tearful, Victor captured my mouth with sweet, deep and overpowering kisses. His tongue tickled mine and explored the inside of my mouth, encouraging me to do the same. That was unexpectedly exciting and I squeaked and thrust my hips against him unintentionally. We both flinched at the sweet sensation of friction between us. Victor kissed me lightly a few more times and then drew back with a smile.

"Want to see how long we can both last?" he asked playfully, caressing my cheek. "Not moving. Just like this."

"Nnn…" I moaned in a mix of pleasure and frustration. "I'm not sure how long I can do it…"

"Truthfully, me neither," he said with a chuckle. "But it feels so good I don't want to stop."

He held me close and nuzzled his face into my hair. I nodded and wrapped my arms around him, feeling exactly the same. It felt so good to be so closely connected. My possessiveness, unpleasant as it was at all other times, sent a deep sensation of love and satisfaction through me at this moment, knowing no one could be closer to Victor than I was right now. Feeling his skin against mine felt more right than anything. I nuzzled him a little in return, smelling his hair. Apparently, he was doing the same.

"You smell like rice, Yuri."

I snorted with laughter, and that caused both of us to shudder as it echoed to the place we were connected. Regaining control of the pleasure of his cock inside me, I swallowed and took a deep breath before answering. "Pretty sure that's racist," I chided. But I leaned into him and sniffed his hair again. "Hm. You smell like oladi though. Did your mother make it for you before the competition?"

Victor laughed. "She did. You have a good nose."

I bit my lip as love for him made me…possibly a little less rational than I usually was. "It's too bad I wasn't paying more attention when you made them for me," I murmured. Softly, so softly as to allow him to pretend not to hear it if he didn't want to, I added, "Do you think…she'd make them for me?"

Victor tensed. And suddenly so did I, as fear and embarrassment flooded my heart and I wished I could take it back. Had I hurt him again? He pushed himself up to his elbows to look down at me in wonder. He was flushed and his eyes looked moist, but not unhappy.

"Do you mean that, Yuri?" he asked.

Trembling, I looked bashfully at him for a moment before looking away again. But no, I told myself. Meeting Victor's family might be my greatest fear, but if it made him happy and secure, it was a small thing, wasn't it? So small. And more than that, if it made Victor happy, I believed there wasn't anything I couldn't do.

I slowly met his gaze again, my cheeks growing pink with embarrassment, but also a very deep happiness. I nodded.

Suddenly, I gasped as I felt Victor's cock grow larger inside me. He rested his head against my chest and I thought he might be trembling a little too. "Yuri," he murmured against my chest. "I'm so happy. What is this feeling? I don't know what to do…"

Overcoming my embarrassment, I petted his hair for a moment, then took his face in both my hands and pulled it up so I could see his eyes. He was blinking away tears, and unlike usual he wasn't even smiling, but still somehow looked so happy. He looked like I felt. As always, Victor was much better an expressing emotion than me. I loved watching him. And I also felt another stab of guilt that I had made him feel so unsure.

I gently ran both thumbs over his eyes to brush away traces of tears. "You could move a little bit," I told him playfully.

"Yuri," Victor murmured, taking my mouth again with gentle yet overpowering kisses.

Finally, he leaned back and grasped the backs of my knees, pressing my legs up a little. While holding my gaze with one of burning intensity, without pulling out, he rolled his hips against me, simply changing the angle of his cock. I shivered and a moan escaped my lips. Still watching me closely, Victor pushed in as far as he could go, then rolled his hips in a circular motion, causing his cock to wind around my insides and scrape against every sensitive part. I choked out a cry; it was so intense.

After doing that a few more times, each time brushing my prostate and causing clear, watery precum to leak onto my stomach, he finally pulled out so just the tip was inside. Once there, he slowly pushed in just shallowly, frustrating me by avoiding my prostate, taint, balls or cock. It only took a few moments of this to get me panting. It was as if he was sensitizing my hole by avoiding direct stimulation anywhere else. This was bad; if I felt it any more when he had sex with me I might lose myself.

Nonetheless, once he had finished with his slow, shallow teasing, he pushed deep inside once again. I moaned and grasped his wrists. He again took up slow, short thrusts that were now directly stimulating my prostate. I melted, losing a bit of sense of where I was. Victor seemed to spot this and clasped my face in his hand, halting his thrusts for a moment to lean down and kiss me. Once I regained my senses a little, able to concentrate on his lips and tongue instead of the fire at the apex of my body, I wrapped my arms around him.

This sort of pattern, his teasing me and then letting me relax, went on I don't know exactly how long. But I know it was light when we started and by the time both of us finally came and just about passed out on top of each other, it had gone well dark. He made me cum until my cock was completely drained and I started having dry orgasms. I had no idea until that point how exhausting those were. Ironically Victor himself ended up much more tired than me and once he finally did collapse, could not be moved. As a result, I was the one to carry him into the bathroom to clean up, get the room service and give him a massage to ease the throbbing in his lower back.

Before we fell asleep, Victor mumbled that I had to promise not to chicken out, we were going to see his mother the next day. I laughed and kissed him, trying to play off the deep fear that hit me in the pit of my stomach just thinking about it. But if it was for Victor, I told myself as we curled up together, I could do anything. I just had to trust him. It would be all right. After a little tossing and turning from nervousness, and a bad dream about my worst-case scenario, I eventually managed to get some sleep.

…

Victor woke up before me and was practically bouncing with excitement, but as a result of my poor sleep and worries that made bed seem much more comfortable, I had difficulty getting up. Typical Victor though, after giving me a smiling lecture about the ills of going to sleep and waking up late, kissed me and said he'd be waiting in the lobby and I should come down when I was ready. I nodded, but as soon as the door closed, moaned in agony and snuggled deeper in the covers.

I really didn't want to go. This had been my worst fear about coming to Russia; meeting Victor's family. On top of which, he had only ever mentioned his mother and I sensed there was some deeper meaning to that, which I still didn't feel worthy of asking about. I buried my face in the pillow in denial for a moment.

"For Victor. It's not for me, it's for Victor," I said, muffled into the pillow.

Reluctantly, I forced myself out of bed and into some clothes. I looked at myself in the mirror, scruffy, dorky Japanese boy having ideas above his station, and about to meet the family of a god. I sighed heavily.

"For Victor," I reminded myself one more time. I nodded to the mirror.

I finally left the room. Pressed the elevator button with my heart pounding. Stepped out into the lobby and looked around for where Victor might be waiting. I caught sight of his silvery blond hair and took a step toward him. But I froze as I saw arms creep around his neck.

He was standing with both hands pressed against the wall, and a small figure almost concealed between them. But then I saw the flash of blond hair, the disgruntled expression. Yurio? Yes, I realized, stopping and unable to move. Yurio and Victor were kissing. Victor softly placed his hands on Yurio's shoulders. He didn't shove him away, but gently pressed. Kindly. He spoke a few gentle words to him, then chucked him under the chin affectionately. My heart shattered.

I didn't have much sense of what happened next, but I ran toward the nearest exit. I couldn't stay in that hotel a second longer. I didn't even want to be in this body. My world felt broken and meaningless. My worst fear? I chided myself. No, meeting Victor's family wasn't my worst fear. Stupid. No matter how bad something was, it could always get worse.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter Seven

I hadn't been able to do it. I had skated my best, and I hadn't been able to beat Victor in my free skate. I'd beaten him in overall score, but only because he was acting like a lovesick loser in his short program. I was mortified that people whose opinion mattered to me, among whom Otabek was one (he'd been in the audience), had seen me perform like I had. Of course I couldn't say that to anyone. It wasn't the missed quad toe loop, that happened occasionally to anyone and there were many reasons it could go wrong. It was something…I couldn't put my finger on it. I'd been able to skate my _agape_ perfectly last year, I felt it. And by copying that feeling, I was able to act the part of the white swan. I could skate the black swan better than anyone else alive, I was sure. Why couldn't I capture Odette? What was I missing?

I thought long and hard and no conclusion came to me. Everyone had different advice. Yakov said I had chosen a piece that was too difficult for me and I was doing about as well as he expected. I had enough quads that the acting component wasn't as important, he added, which was basically the same thing as telling me he had no faith in my acting. Lilia said I wasn't "letting myself go," whatever that meant. She used so many metaphors I never got exactly what her point was. Mila said I was just too angry and that I was missing the purity of Odette, but I didn't need to hear that. I knew that was my weakness, it didn't help hearing it over and over. That, plus…it felt like something different this time.

It was Otabek whose advice made the least sense. He hung out with me after the competition, saying he wanted to have dinner, and I had nothing better to do so I agreed. As he picked at his salad, he paused to consider. At length, he looked me in the eyes and said,

"I think you're too nice."

I stared at him in absolute shock. "Hah?!" I demanded, banging on the table and disturbing the other guests. "Are you stupid? Many faults I have but TOO NICE is not one of them!"

But Otabek didn't seem to notice my anger or the other guests' stares. He chewed and swallowed a bite of salad, wiped his mouth and then said casually, "Victor Nikiforov and Yuri Katsuki seem to be getting along well."

"What? I guess they do… wait, what does that have to do with the price of tea in China?!"

Otabek shrugged. "It's nice. I'm happy for them. Aren't you?"

I turned away as a flicker of pain and frustration ran through my chest. "Sure," I muttered. "It's none of my business. Why bring that up?"

My Kazakh friend raised an eyebrow but said nothing for a time. We each took a bite of food before he eventually continued, "I can't say for sure, but I think people who claim to be happy when they're actually suffering are too nice." I gaped at him in indignation, taking a breath to object to that, but he went on without pause, "I don't think it's Odette that you're missing. Her purity isn't something foreign to you, you're actually pretty innocent at heart and you can do that if you try. But a nice person will have trouble with Odile." He met my eyes with soft intensity as he concluded, "Odile doesn't consider who she may hurt. She doesn't care how black her heart may turn. She never lies or puts on airs either. She fights tooth and nail for what she wants. And enjoys it, because…why not?"

I was utterly taken aback and could find no response, but after this speech, the normally taciturn Otabek shrugged. "Again, I can't say for sure."

I lapsed into silence, setting my head on my hand. Is that what it looked like to him? That I was lying about suffering? Too nice to take what I wanted? What did that even mean, and why had he brought up Victor and Yuri? I bit my lip as thoughts of one person rose to my mind, along with the guilt that always accompanied such thoughts. He didn't belong to me. There was no way to fight for him. I didn't even want to admit that Otabek had a point.

I parted from Otabek without much else said after that, though he said he'd be staying in town and asked if I would show him around. The next day I got up fairly early, wanting to take a walk, and ran into Victor in the hotel lobby. He was absent-mindedly looking around, hands in his pockets, and looking a little anxious to get going somewhere. I rolled my eyes. Waiting for Yuri no doubt (who habitually overslept).

But just seeing Victor was painful right now. It was painful to think that I was missing something. Something I knew he had. Otabek had it too, even though he refused to practice ballet. Yuri had always had it, even when he was a pathetic fat pig. Why? Why was it only me? Why did it come so easily to everyone else, even after I practiced harder than anyone? More talented and beautiful than everyone, too. That should count for something, but somehow it didn't. Victor could still see right through me. Why was it only that pig? Why did he never look at me, admire me?! I was the one who deserved his admiration, his love!

I didn't even realize how my feelings had changed over time on the subject, but now they were all twisted up. Wanting to get Victor's attention and failing, so many times, had gotten mixed up with wanting Victor himself. And I wouldn't realize, until the encounter I was about to have with the person I had admired for so long, exactly how right Otabek had been.

Victor spotted me and beamed at me with his usual, carefree smile. "Yurio!" he said, waving. He came over and towered over me, causing me to back against a wall instinctively. "What are you up to this morning?"

I scowled at him. "Just going out for a walk, old man. Leave me alone."

He chuckled and held his hands up in apology. "Okay, sorry. I'm just bored and wanted some company to wait for Yuri."

I gritted my teeth. How dare he use my name to mean that pig? Even so, "I don't…have anything better to do," I mumbled, so quietly I barely even heard myself. I pretended my face didn't feel hot as I snuck a glance up to see if Victor had noticed.

"That reminds me, I didn't properly congratulate you, did I?" Victor announced, clapping his fist in his palm. He grinned at me. "Congratulations on getting gold at nationals. You're the best in Russia, at least for now. From the start of the Grand Prix, I intend to surpass you again, of course, so it'll be a short reign. I know, I'll give you something for a reward so you can remember your victory. What would you like?"

Frustration at his condescension and my pitiful performance and inability to beat him swelled along with desire to be accepted and wanted by him, and I bit my lip so hard I tasted metal. Why wouldn't he acknowledge me? He wouldn't even say my name properly! Did he even see me? What was the point in helping those two pathetic morons if I got nothing out of it? What was the point in holding back this feeling?

"…-te…you…" I mumbled.

"Hm?" Victor murmured, tilting his head. "Didn't catch that."

"Rgh…" I growled, my rage boiling. "I hate you, you conceited old man!" I proclaimed, and with that, grabbed him by the collar and yanked him toward me.

Victor clapped both hands against the wall behind me to stop from falling, as I claimed his mouth in a violent kiss that ended up cutting my lip. But I refused to let him go. I opened my eyes to catch his gaze as he blinked at me in wonder. I growled, wrapping my arms around his neck and deepening the kiss in defiance. After a few moments, my eyes fluttered closed. Victor's body…I hadn't imagined how hard and yet supple it would be. His lips were so soft. I finally dropped my guard and for one instant, felt a moment of absolute pleasure.

Victor permitted this for just a few more seconds before he removed his hands from the wall and placed them both on my shoulders. A shock of excitement ran through my body as I imagined he might be returning the kiss. But instead, he gently pushed me away. It hurt so badly. He wouldn't even shove me back to reject me. His touch was caring, parental almost. Treating me like a pitiful child.

To twist the knife, his reaction was a simple sigh. "If you felt that way, you could have told me," he said, his hands still resting on my shoulders and his voice quiet, just for me. "Don't just go kissing married men, feisty little kitten."

Ice water plunged into my chest. My mouth hung open. "M-…married?!"

It was at this point that I caught something out of the corner of my eye which a good person would have alerted Victor to. But I was so burned up at that moment, I lost the ability to be a good person. The streak of pale skin against dark clothing and hair, and a few tears I think, ran past us to the revolving doors of the hotel and out into St. Petersburg, alone. I watched him go momentarily, then turned my gaze back to Victor.

Victor flung his hands up in a joyful expression. "All but! I didn't tell you, but I'm taking Yuri to meet my mother today." He placed a finger on his lips and cocked his head thoughtfully. "He says he's not ready for marriage, plus it's illegal in both countries where we have citizenship, but these are trifles. Love conquers all in the end. You'll find that out too someday, I'm sure," he added, winking. But with what seemed to be genuine sadness, he added, "Just not with me."

"I-…I don't love you!" I barked, though my voice broke. My lower lip quivered, I couldn't stop it. My eyes and cheeks felt hot. "I don't…I'm just…messing with you because you deserve it…stupid…" But at that point the tears started to fall. I bit my lip and lowered my head, trembling from head to foot.

"Yuri…"

He reached out to grasp my shoulder again, but I slapped his hand away. Still, I stood there shivering. There was no point. No point in holding back. If he wouldn't accept me willingly, then I would make him.

I grabbed him by the collar again. "Don't pity me, Victor, because I'm not a child. He doesn't deserve you," I told him with cold confidence. I felt a thrill run up my spine at the amount of attention I was getting from Victor, the way his eyes were – at least for this moment – fixed on me. It felt good to be this sure of myself. "He's so afraid. He ran away from you. He's still running." I let my gaze flick toward the door while Victor was watching me.

His eyes widened and he went pale. He quickly glanced toward the revolving door, which rather poetically was still rotating a little though Yuri was long since gone. "No…you're not telling me…Yuri saw that?"

I grabbed his face and pulled it back toward mine, so we were inches apart. In my best soft, seductive tone, I told him, "Saw, and chose to abandon you." Victor's face twisted in agony and he took in a sharp breath in despair. "See how much it hurts you," I said, clasping his face to comfort him. "He doesn't trust you. He's too weak and closed off, afraid of everything. Even of loving you." Victor lowered his head with a sob. I held him close. "But I trust you. And I'd never hurt you."

For a moment, with his head lowered, though I could see Victor biting his lip, I couldn't see his expression. We were still so close that we shared warmth, and it felt so good. As he paused, I had a moment of hope that he might simply agree. The next thing I knew, I was cold, pushed away from Victor at arm's length. He didn't even look at me. Instead, he whirled and raced out the door after Yuri.

I closed my eyes. The darkness in me faded as despair sank in. A few tears ran down my face as my heart finally broke completely. Otabek was right. Odile was far from me; if I had to take what I wanted by hurting people I cared about, I wasn't sure I could do it.

I opened my eyes and turned them to the door. It was still spinning, this time from Victor's passing, but he too was long gone. I swallowed, closing my eyes once more as a final two tears ran down my face. Then I opened them again and ran outside. I reached for my phone and dialed as I ran.

…

I raced through the streets, looking for Yuri. This was the worst thing that could have happened right now. At any other time, Yuri would have been hurt by the idea of my infidelity, but he would have protected himself by isolating himself. But now he'd finally let me in. And in that space of vulnerability that he'd opened to me, his trust had been broken; it didn't really matter whose fault it was, it was done. _What if this is it? What if he never forgives me?_ I thought, breathing in panicked gasps as I ran.

Yurio's words struck me over and over: he's too afraid to love you. I sobbed as the strength drained from my muscles, but I kept looking fruitlessly. He could be anywhere. He could have stopped in any building to hide where I couldn't find him. He could have gotten in a taxi to another city, or he could be getting on a plane right now to fly away from me forever. He's too afraid to love you. See how he hurts you? He doesn't love you.

After looking for two hours, I crumpled to the stone of the random square where I'd ended up, before the Church of the Savior on the Spilled Blood. I buried my face in my hands, unable to move anymore. What would I do if I'd really lost him this time? I couldn't come up with an answer.

…

I ran. Didn't really think about where to go, just needed to be gone. The tears I cried quickly made my face stinging cold as I ran through the autumn morning in St. Petersburg. I don't know how far I ran, though I should have been paying attention to avoid getting lost. I know I ran over a bridge, but that was as detailed as I could get in that state. In the end, after I think fifteen or twenty minutes, I ran out of endurance and slowed to a walk and then doubled over, regaining my breath.

I looked around; I seemed to be in a park. It was large, semi-circular, neatly managed and open, as most parks here seemed to be. On one side of it was the ocean. I dragged myself to a bench beside it and sat down, looking out at the water. By this time, Victor's mother was probably waiting for us. I was still warm from having run here but my nose and cheeks were cold so I raised my hands to my face and breathed into them.

I wasn't really able to hash out anything in my mind at that moment. Every time I tried to, "it was always true" ran through my head. So I sat before the water and watched it in silence. After long enough for my fingers to start getting cold again, I took a deep breath and let it out. Finally, the sadness faded, and cold practicality sank in.

I had been wrong to ever try, I thought. To think my heart could survive a relationship with someone I idolized like a god, it was a faulty premise from the start. I didn't have any tears left because I wouldn't let myself feel sad about it anymore. The only thing I felt now was emptiness. And the more I thought about it, the more surprised and subtly angry I became at Victor's acting ability.

I'd told him, or tried to, that it didn't matter if he wanted to be with other people too. I may not have been very convincing – because of course it wasn't my true feelings – but I believed that to have him in my life, to have a place in his heart, however small, I could endure anything. Why had he felt the need to lie? Why force me to break down my defenses, just to betray me anyway?

But now, I realized, it was my move. Unintentionally (or maybe even on purpose, since I couldn't follow Victor's way of thinking) he had provided an opportunity for me to gauge my love for him. If he was right, then all those words I said meant nothing, and I would leave him to protect myself as I always did. If what I'd said was true, I couldn't leave him. A test to see which was stronger: my love for Victor, or my insecurity.

I'm ashamed to say I didn't reach an answer. My mind bounced wildly between the two, unable to settle. The sun reached its highest point, and still I sat, unable to come to any firm decision about what I should do, even how I should approach this. Suddenly, I felt a hand clap down on my shoulder and flinched.

Terrified it would be Victor, I whirled up to see with a sigh of relief that it wasn't. But I certainly hadn't expected to see Otabek Altin, out of breath and with his normally slicked back hair flying astray. He also sighed with relief when he saw my face, and brought his phone to his ear.

"Yeah. It's him. He's all right." I heard an angry voice on the other end, which I was pretty sure belonged to Yurio but not exactly what he said. Otabek glanced around as if looking for something. "Not really…I don't know, it's like a little island. About three kilometers directly south of the hotel. With a…yeah. Okay. I will."

He hung up and faced me with a knowing expression, but didn't say or ask anything. Instead, he sat down on the bench beside me, turning his body to look back toward where he'd come, facing me in case I wanted to talk but ready to spot Yurio when he arrived.

"Otabek," I murmured.

He glanced at me.

"Don't tell Victor."

Otabek's expression didn't change. Either he had expected I would say that or he didn't care. Maybe he'd already told him. Either way, he didn't answer, simply turned his gaze back the way he'd come, looking for Yurio.

It took about ten minutes for Yurio to arrive. When he did, he was drenched in sweat, dragging his feet like they had stone weights attached to them. He spotted me. In about two second, his face went from exhausted to apoplectic with rage. He stomped over to where we were, momentarily forgetting his tiredness, and roughly kicked the bench we were sitting on. He doubled over to gain back his breath for a few moments, both me and Otabek watching him in silence. When he had it back, he straightened again, gritting his teeth and scowling at me. He raised his leg again and gave the bench a few more kicks for good measure.

"Who runs 3k because they're a little upset?!" he demanded.

"Ah…I usually ran three or four kilometers every day back when I was trying to get my body fat percentage back down," I said off-handedly.

"Shut up, pig! I don't need logic, I'm angry!" he shot back.

"Me too," I said softly.

Yurio paused. He looked surprised. He had every reason to be; I'd never openly expressed anger toward him before that I was aware of. Otabek's eyes widened just a little too. But at that moment, I didn't care. I still considered Yurio a friend, as in that was still the only category my mind had for him. But all I could feel toward him right at this moment was anger. I didn't blame him, I assumed it was Victor's choice, but Yurio was a living and loud symbol of my pain and loss.

Yurio swallowed, either from emotion or exhaustion I wasn't sure. "Well…you should be," he murmured, glancing away. "But not at Vi-"

"Don't," I said loudly.

The other two both flinched. I turned away from them, back toward the sea.

"Don't defend him," I continued softly. "And…don't tell him where I am. Please."

Yurio didn't seem to understand for a moment, frowning at me. He made a noise of frustration and rubbed his hair. "You're being a fool. I'm telling you he didn't do anything-"

"Stop," I said. I couldn't speak for a moment because my throat tightened up, so I took a breath and looked back out at the ocean. "I'm sorry. I can't believe anything you say right now."

I heard Yurio's breath catch. That had hurt him. I tried to care about that, but couldn't.

"Even if it's true…my reaction is as much a problem as whatever Victor did or didn't do. Do you get it?"

Yurio's silence and the lowering of his head in the corner of my eye told me he did.

"This is a test," I continued softly. "It's my test, and nobody can help me."

Yurio huffed in irritation. He turned and plopped down behind us, resting on the back of the bench. "Here I expected to find you all depressed. What's the point of running around if you're just going to solve it yourself?"

I glanced up at him. Indeed, he was soaked with sweat. Even Otabek, who I didn't know that well, had been running. Whether it was just because he felt guilty or was genuinely worried, Yurio cared enough about me to get that exhausted. And honestly, knowing that helped a little.

"You did look for me, didn't you?" I asked.

"Yes, we fucking did!" Yurio snarled.

"Thank you," I murmured.

Yurio stared down at me with wide eyes and an uncertain expression. Obviously not accustomed to being thanked, he looked around. After a while he just folded his arms again and sat there with a subtle pout. A few minutes of silence passed, no one moving much or saying anything. Then Yurio got out his phone and started to text.

"Yurio, I told you don't-"

"I'm not," he grumbled, still typing. "I won't tell him where you are. Just that you're okay." He finished, pressed "send" and dropped his phone back in his pocket. "Honestly, you're a cruel guy, aren't you, Katsuki Yuri? Letting Victor think you're dead or back in Japan or something. Think what his imagination has been doing the last three hours."

I wanted to ask if Victor had been looking for me too. But I could tell from Yurio's tone that he had. Just for a moment I imagined being in Victor's shoes and my heart felt torn apart. But then, that would only be relevant if he felt the same about me as I did about him, and I didn't know what to believe about that anymore.

Otabek suggested we go back to his hotel to settle down. I was grateful for the suggestion, ultimately because I didn't want to be out in the open where Victor might find me before I'd made a decision. We all came inside and I headed for a chair by the window. I curled up in it and looked out. I realized I hadn't eaten anything all day, but wasn't hungry. Thinking about missing out on Victor's mother's cooking just because of my stubbornness, and then a retaliating thought about not knowing how many other lover's had met her before, brought up a fresh range of unpleasant emotions. Slowly, very slowly, things began to fall into place in my mind. I felt I would have an answer by that night, but decided I had to sleep on it to be sure. If I was going to do it, I would have to talk to Victor the next morning, before my fear got the best of me.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter Eight

Otabek and I just kind of settled down at the other end of the room on Otabek's bed, since it looked like Yuri definitely didn't want to be bothered. It didn't take long for that to get entirely fucking boring. I bounced my knee irritably and kept looking at my watch. Finally, I growled and threw my hands up in the air.

"When's he going to move?!" I demanded in a hushed voice.

Otabek, who'd been sitting quietly with his arms folded and apparently off somewhere else, glanced over his shoulder at Yuri for a moment, taking in the situation, then back at me. "Not for a while, I would say."

I glared at Yuri, who was still sitting just as he had been for the last couple of hours, looking out the window with almost no facial expression. I knew that, logically, he had every right to be angry. If not with Victor, then with me. I would accept his anger, though I grew more and more scared as time went on that, once he learned the truth, he would never speak to me again. It hurt, but I deserved it.

But how could he be so unreasonable?! Victor hadn't even done anything wrong! (Apart from being his normal airheaded self and maybe not rejecting me more strongly.) Instead of blaming the guilty party, Yuri was needlessly hurting Victor!

I looked northward, wondering what was going through Victor's mind. What was he doing now? Knowing how hard he had taken it when Yuri tried to break things off before, I almost didn't want to think about it. And on top of that, there was no one with him now. Yuri and I were the only ones who'd done anything wrong in this case, and yet it was Victor who was hurt and alone. I gritted my teeth as my anger (fueled by guilt of course) continued to build.

"You're really not going to see him?"

Yuri glanced up at me in response. I shuddered; there was coldness in his eyes. I'd never seen him this angry before, not at anyone. When someone normally so docile got angry, it was truly frightening. But for Victor's sake, I persevered.

"You won't believe me, but he really did nothing wrong," I continued. "He's a lot worse off than you are right now. You're going to just let him twist while you wallow here in self-pity?"

Yuri's expression didn't change, but I felt the atmosphere grow even colder. It hurt badly to have him look at me like that, like an object of disgust.

"That's going too far, Yuri," Otabek said evenly, somehow completely immune to the atmosphere.

"You know why I did it?" I went on heedlessly, starting to lose control of my anger and knowing already that I would regret it later.

Yuri glanced skyward in thought for a moment. "You're in love with Victor," he murmured, matter-of-factly.

I blinked, taken aback by that. Of course he was right, but I didn't expect him to put it so bluntly. I gritted my teeth as anger rose up again. "Screw you," I barked. "If it were just that, I would have stolen him a long time ago."

Otabek raised his eyebrows in shock. Even Yuri's expression made the barest sign of movement. He considered once again. "To get him to notice you, then. You're disappointed you couldn't beat him in the free skate."

I shot to my feet. "Stop reading me so well and then only pointing out the things that don't matter!" I shouted at him. "If you know that much, how can you still be sitting here?! But no. I did it because I feel sorry for him."

Yuri's eyes didn't even appear to see me anymore. He was still looking in my direction, but I couldn't see myself reflected in his gaze. I clenched my fists to stay brave in the face of his hatred.

"You don't deserve him."

Yuri scoffed, turning toward the window and finally shutting himself off from me completely. "Don't say that like it's news to me," he muttered.

"It's not…!" I struggled. "I don't mean that! Not because he's Victor and you're just a katsudon. Only shallow little morons like me care about things so unimportant. I feel sorry for him because he loves you! Completely and unconditionally! And you…can you even love someone, if you can't love yourself?!"

I expected a bitter return, but Yuri had stopped listening to me. He'd returned to doing what he had been all day; looking out the window, as impersonal and unemotional a book on a mantle. I wasn't going to reach him now. I started to shake with utter frustration.

"You're really not going to even speak to him?!" I demanded.

Still nothing from Yuri.

I clenched my fists so hard my knuckles went white. But realizing I wasn't as helpless as I thought, I took a breath. "Fine," I murmured. "Then you don't mind if I do?"

Otabek frowned. In spite of his reputation as being stiff, it was rare for him to express open displeasure. He really didn't like what I was trying to do. For his part, Yuri didn't react at all. If he had any objection, he kept it to himself. Maybe he didn't care about Victor anymore. Maybe he'd already given up. And in that case, or whatever the case, there was no reason for me to stay here any longer.

"Understood. I'll see you later, Yuri. Better make sure you know what you're doing," I muttered, grabbing my jacket and shoving my hands in it.

"Yuri, settle down," Otabek cautioned, standing up to stop me.

I continued to Yuri, heedlessly, "If you wait too long, Victor may decide he's better off. Maybe better off with someone else," I added bitterly, though a slight blush rose to my cheeks with the little flicker of hope in my heart that what I said might be true. "Then you won't have the power to torment him anymore. So think about that while you wallow."

With still no response from Yuri, I stomped to the door and out of the room. Otabek followed me and caught my arm as I tried to leave down the hall, the door closing softly behind us. I vainly tried to pull my arm free, but he was much stronger. Though I tried to resist, he pulled me back until he could see my face. I turned away from him, but he'd already seen.

"Let me go," I muttered. "I don't care what happens to him anymore. I'll take Victor for myself."

"Hm," he commented, as I trembled and bit my lip. "Better. But Odille wouldn't cry." He brushed away a tear that was about to fall. "Still too much Odette."

I sobbed and covered my eyes with my free hand. "Leave me alone! I'm not asking for your advice either!"

Otabek observed me closely for a moment before he accepted this with a nod. "I won't stop you," he said, releasing his grip a little.

I yanked my arm free as soon as I could. I wanted to say something else, feeling guilty about taking it out on him when he'd only tried to help me, but I couldn't manage it. So I just turned and stormed out of the hotel.

…

I spent most of the day confused. Cried a lot. And in between the tears, and checking my phone every few minutes, I felt cold. I knew why he felt this way, I thought I understood him completely. But he'd hurt me a lot. And it was getting harder to forget that. In the late afternoon, I raced to the door when I heard a knock. I flung it open to find not the Yuri I wanted to see. I felt bad, but I'm sure that fact showed on my face.

"Well? Are you going to let me in?" Yurio murmured, surprisingly more docile than usual.

"Did you see him?" I asked immediately.

Darkness twitched between Yurio's brows and he looked away from me. Eventually he muttered simply, "Yeah."

I searched his gaze, waiting for him to tell me something, anything that might give me a glimpse into Yuri's mind or a reason to hope, but I could tell by his expression that there was nothing to tell. My eyes stung and I felt my face twist against my will. I buried my face in my hands, leaning against the wall. "Did he say anything? What's he doing?" I whimpered between my fingers.

Yurio sighed. He came inside of his own accord, closed the door and in an unprecedented show of good will from him, he cautiously wrapped an arm around my shoulders. "Sit down before you hurt yourself," he grumbled.

I let him guide me to the bed, where I sat and cried a little more. After sitting with me in silence for a while, Yurio left and returned a few minutes later with some tea. He forced me to take it and sip at it as he sat down beside me again. It seemed the arm-hug from earlier had been a bit too much for him though, because even after we both settled back against the pillows, he just folded his arms about a foot away from me, not trying to touch me, even though I would have been grateful for the comfort.

"You should just leave him," he said abruptly.

I glanced at him in surprise. I felt cold all the way through my chest and wasn't able to respond.

Yurio's brows drew tight together as if he were in pain, but that of a child trying to hide it. I had to remind myself that, at only sixteen, that's what he was. "I shouldn't…have done it…" he murmured, in barely more than a whisper. His eyes began to turn red as he fought tears. "Well I didn't think he was that insecure, did I?! You shouldn't waste your time on someone who's too afraid to even accept your love, much less…love you…like…I…"

At this point, he tucked up his knees and hugged them, hiding his face. "I'm sorry."

It was hard not to blame him just a little for what had happened, but I knew he never meant for this to happen. It hurt even more to realize how much he probably really did love me, even though I couldn't answer that feeling. I sighed.

I sat up and grabbed his shoulders, pulling him back against my chest. He rather cutely went stiff in shock. I stroked his hair, trying not to wish it was someone else's. "You're supposed to be comforting me, you know," I chided, chuckling weakly.

He shivered a little and sobbed. "I'm sorry, Victor. I didn't mean…"

"Yes, yes, you don't need to tell me." I told him softly, running my hands through his soft blond hair as he weakly clutched at my shirt and sobbed. "I've known for a long time. You're a very good kid, Yurio."

He sniffed and cried angrily, "I'm not a kid!"

"Okay, okay."

…

The next day dawned. I had barely slept. Otabek had tried to stay up with me but had drifted off during the night, and was curled up on top of the covers on his bed, while I hadn't left the chair once after Yurio left. So first…I really had to pee.

It was barely light out when I returned to the chair and flipped open my temporary Russian phone. There was no message from Victor; I knew there wouldn't be. Of course not. Though I still felt like a victim, I knew I'd hurt him too much this time and he was too afraid of being rejected to reach out. I knew that feeling. I prepared myself that I would probably be feeling it today.

I typed a simple text and sent it to Victor's phone. I don't think I even had to wait five minutes for an answer. He agreed to meet, as I had suggested, at the park where I'd run initially, which Yurio had informed me was called the Spit of Vasilievsky. Victor had farther to come, so I sat on the bench, shivering as I waited for him. I looked out over the water as I had the previous day. I liked St. Petersburg, and the memories I'd made with Victor would stay with me forever. I'd miss it.

About ten minutes later, the utter silence of the early morning was broken by softly running footsteps. I took in a steadying breath. I stood and faced him as Victor came running to me, smiling and tearful.

"Yuri," he said coming up and taking both my hands, then his expression went dark with guilt. "There's nothing going on between me and Yurio. Please believe me, I didn't know he would-"

"Victor," I said softly. He stopped, fear flickering over his face. "I'm sorry." His eyes brightened, as he assumed I was apologizing for what I'd already done, and he prepared to tell me it was okay, but I continued before he could speak. "Please break up with me."


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter Nine

My heart stopped. I don't mean I had a shock. I mean my heart, the part of me that enabled me to feel, had stopped working. I gazed at Yuri, who was looking so much more grown up than usual, confident and cold, as he silently allowed me to keep holding his hands.

I couldn't let go. Even as the realization of what he'd said started to sink into my brain, like paint bleeding through thick paper, I held his hands. As if I could stop time by hanging onto him. As if moving even one inch would start the clock going, toward the time when I would have to say goodbye to my love forever.

"We can't be together. It won't work. You know why, right?"

And then the clock started again. Tears started running one after another down my face. I still feared to move. I wished Yuri would stop saying these things. Just tell me he loved me and say this had all been a dream. This couldn't be. I'd feared but not really believed what Yurio had said, that Yuri was too afraid an untrusting to ever really love me. He watched me silently, his expression unchanging, unsurprised by my reaction. It couldn't be true. As long as he didn't say the words…

"Because I'm too afraid to love you."

That was all I could take. I sobbed, crumpling in on myself. I still held his hands, even tighter now, wordlessly pleading. "Yuri, please…stop…"

"See? This is why it can't work. I'm just going to hurt you again."

"Well let me decide that for myself!" I cried, grabbing his hands tightly and pulling them toward me possessively. I brought them up to my face affectionately, hiding my tears in a show of love for him. "I told you," I murmured, feeling the cold of his ring against my face, the matching one to mine, which I had always considered an engagement ring. "I accept and love all of you, even the parts that make me sad sometimes. Why can't I get hurt if I want to?"

Yuri didn't answer at first. When he did, his voice was just a weedy whisper. "Because it breaks my heart," he murmured. His hands were tense, as if he wanted me to let them go but wasn't cruel enough to pull them away. He sighed, heavily. "So please, for both of us, break up with me."

I still refused to let his hands go, pressing them against my face even as I trembled and cried into them. I wanted it not to be true, but I believed everything he said came from his heart. And if Yuri wasn't happy being with me…if he really didn't love me, and was forcing himself…should I let him go? I tried to be rational, in case this was really for Yuri's own good. I tried to consider the idea seriously. But each time I did, my chest felt cold.

The silence continued and Yuri's hands grew more uncomfortable, now pulling just gently away, not really fighting me but letting me know he wanted me to let go. I tried to give him the freedom to do that. His hands slipped just a few centimeters from mine. But fear struck me and I grasped them again. I held them tightly, pressing his ring to my forehead. And for just an instant, I imagined letting Yuri have his way. I took a breath in, not sure how I could express this feeling. But at that moment, Yuri's emotions took over.

"Because…I'm so selfish…" Yuri continued softly. His voice broke.

I blinked, hesitantly lowering his hands from my face so I could see his. Yuri's brows were drawn tight together, his eyes wide and dripping tears onto his glasses. He bit his lip as he tried to hold back the emotions welling up. All those beautiful emotions that made me fall in love with him the first time I saw him skate. All that pain, all that loneliness, and in my eyes, all it did was make him passionate and beautiful.

He closed his eyes tight for a moment in torment. "I'm so selfish…I'd hurt you again…I can't let you go!" I realized that Yuri's hands were shaking as they hesitantly closed around mine. Loving, but not binding. He was trying to let me go…even though he loved me. "I can't bear to see you hurt but…no matter how hard I try, I can't stop…loving you! Wanting to be with you…so please, Victor…break up with me! Because…I can't do it!"

He buried his face in his own forearms, since I was still holding his hands, and trembled like a wet puppy. He was so precious, it was painful. I thought he couldn't make me love him any more. But immediately following the love, on this occasion, came annoyance. I sighed heavily.

"Okay, Yuri," I said.

Yuri flinched, shutting his eyes, as if my breaking up with him were a physical blow. Feeling a bit impish, though I had intended to just tell him how I felt, I changed my mind. Bringing his hands to my chest, I leaned in and placed a soft kiss on his lips.

With our faces inches apart, I smiled at Yuri's shocked, ugly-crying face. For an instant I thought he looked happy, but then he sobbed. "Victor…you're so stupid! It's for your sake that I'm trying to…"

"Is it?" I asked in a harsh voice.

Yuri flinched again, instantly ceasing crying. He knew well enough to know when I was really angry, though as usual I hid it with a smile.

"I tell you I love you, and you tell me you can't believe me. I tell you you're the only one, and you distrust me without even asking the truth. I tell you I don't mind getting hurt, and you tell me you're the one who's hurt. Whose sake is that for?"

Yuri squeaked out a sob, his spirit crushed. I knew those were the words he told himself and most feared hearing from me; but he needed to hear them out loud. "I know!" he cried. "I'm sorry for everything that's happened…that's why…you have to br-"

"Yuri. Do you love me?"

He looked at the ground, searching. "Well what does that matter?!"

"Answer me. Do you love me? Want to spend the rest of your life with me? Want to make me happy forever?"

Yuri still refused to look at me but his lip quivered and more tears dripped down his face. He lowered his head and murmured in the softest little voice, "I'm scared…Victor…I'll just make you unhappy…"

"There's no way I could be unhappy knowing that you love me. Please, Yuri. Which is it?"

Yuri slowly shook his head in torment and my heart sank. I could put up with a lot if it meant being together with him but this was killing me.

"I…" Yuri began, shutting his eyes tight. "I do…" My breath caught. I stared at him as he sniffed and struggled to continue, "So much it hurts…so much I feel myself changing, and it's scary but I don't mind. The time we're together is when I'm happiest. I don't ever want to be apart from you. I love your smile, your warmth, the beautiful way you move, the way you cry so easily at movies, the way you're gentle with everyone but only show negative emotions when we're alone…" I raised my eyebrows. Was that true? I considered myself a pretty happy-go-lucky person, but it's true sometimes I did have to force it. Had I stopped doing that in front of Yuri? "Your sense of humor…although I don't get it sometimes…and the way…" Yuri blushed deeply and cast his gaze to the side. "…you look in my eyes…and hold my hand, when we're making love…Every moment we're together makes you dearer to me."

I smiled gently at him. "I'm sorry for saying you weren't looking at me properly, Yuri. It looks like you were all along. Now please, just a little more. Say it properly, Yuri."

Yuri grew sad again and shook his head. "No!" he cried, his voice breaking. "I can't…"

"Why not?"

"If I say it now," he cried. "…I'll never be able to let you go! But I have to! You have to find someone better…" He sobbed and leaning into me a little.

I chuckled a little, even though my heart was aching. I was caught between love for Yuri, empathy with the pain he was feeling and fear that I couldn't change his mind. Or that he'd hurt me and try to leave me again someday. But I had to trust him, as he had trusted me. Yuri did love me, and we belonged together. "Can I tell you something?"

Yuri sniffed, but hesitantly looked up at me.

"I'm the same as you," I said softly. "When you show negative emotions around me, I'm happy."

Yuri made a face, then sighed bitterly, turning away. "Don't be stupid. Your bad sides are nothing compared to mine. I know very well no one likes being around me when I'm insecure and…jealous and…selfish and…cruel-" Yuri began to look despairing, even though he was the one saying these things about himself.

"When we first met, you'd never have thought of monopolizing me," I replied. Yuri blinked, frowning in thought. "Every time you show me a new side of you, I'm happy because I know more of you. Because you trust me enough to show the parts of yourself you don't like. And because it means we're closer the more we know about each other. I love you, so I want to know everything about you. And every new thing I learn makes me love you more, not less."

Yuri shook his head, starting to cry again. Even so, his hands squeezed mine, simultaneously tightening the pleasant aching in my heart.

"Yes, sometimes I get hurt. I'm not as strong as you," I told him with an insecure chuckle, while bringing his hands up to rest my forehead on them. "But nothing ever made me so sad as when you said…we should break up. I'm no good without you any more, Yuri. I need you by my side." With another tear slipping down my face, I smiled hesitantly at him. "So take responsibility for this state you've put me in, okay? Love me forever. However you want to do it, I'll accept it and love you always. Please? Don't leave me, Yuri."

Yuri had been sobbing for some time, shyly twisting himself away from me and alternately squeezing my hands and letting them go. My heart pounded as I tried to search his face for what his answer would be, even as it became agonized, mostly pink, and wet with tears. Finally, to my surprise, Yuri almost floored me with a loud cry.

"Victor, you're so stupid!" he sobbed. "But I want to be with you forever! I'm a very messed up person, but I love you more than anything and you make me so happy I could die! Please marry me!"

I finally let my face open up in a huge grin. But I couldn't stop crying. I hugged Yuri tight and to my relief, he returned it just as passionately. Relief and happiness washed over me, and I felt I could never be sad again. "Thank you," I whispered. "I'm so happy, Yuri. I'm so happy. I love you."

I thought I heard distant footsteps, but the only thing I cared about was being as close to Yuri as possible. To my delight, moments later he pushed me back only to clasp my face in both hands and softly kiss me. I returned it and we kissed blissfully as the sun rose.

…

Though both still emotionally exhausted and shaky, Victor and I got coffee and waited for the shops to open. Even though Russia was not at all gay-friendly, even in St. Petersburg, we held hands almost constantly. It didn't take long for my fears about ruining Victor's life to start surfacing again, but to my relief, Victor quickly returned to his normal self, airheaded and joking. I realized after seeing him broken when I tried to leave him that he was happy just being with me, just as I was with him. And each time I squeezed his hand, and felt my touch returned, my fears slowly began to ease away.

Without even saying it outright, we both knew where we wanted to go as soon as the stores opened. Victor looked up the closest place with his phone, and smiled at me to tell me when it was open. I returned his smile, feeling almost drunk with love for him, nodded, and we paid for our coffee and left.

We walked into the store together, not minding the stare from the employee. We perused the goods carefully until we found a pair we both liked. Victor agreed to pay for both, since I had paid for the originals.

"I can't wait!" Victor said, practically bouncing.

I chuckled. "You know you can't wear it yet," I chided gently. Victor sighed, looking put out, but then I stood on my tip toes and brushed some of his hair away to whisper in his ear, "I have to put it on you. During the ceremony."

Victor's eyelashes fluttered against his cheeks as they grew pink. He held my hand and nuzzled his head against mine. "That's right. I can wait."

We departed with our purchases, each individually wrapped in small boxes, Victor carrying mine and me carrying his.

"Hey, Yuri. Aren't you hungry?" Victor asked abruptly.

"Ah…yes. Actually coffee on an empty stomach didn't do me any favors…" I mumbled, holding my stomach.

Victor grinned at me. "Great! Then let's go get breakfast. Okay?"

A little flicker of old fear passed through my chest as I caught the serious note in his gaze. But I had run out of excuses now. I'd done my best to save both myself and Victor from the maximum amount of pain that staying together might bring, and finally his love had cornered me into total acceptance. I had nothing to fear anymore. I smiled and nodded.

Victor's eyes looked a little moist as he hesitantly turned away from me with a shy smile. But then he grasped my hand and pulled me toward his mother's house. Half an hour later, we were standing before the door. Victor rang the bell and we waited, him still holding my hand. I closed my eyes and felt the cold of his ring against my skin. It would be all right.

A fairy or goddess of some kind answered the door. Vera Nikiforov had been a model and dancer in her youth, according to Victor, but when I saw her in person I had to question whether she was actually human. Though her ash blond hair was clearly similar to Victor's, it had some crisp, pure white among the blond. Yet unlike Victor, her eyebrows were dark and made her large, penetrating eyes stand out. High cheekbones and a gentle chin were contrasted by a firmly set mouth, which suggested an uncompromising yet kind nature. The only signs of age were barely visible smile lines.

This was much worse than I ever expected. I'd known meeting the family of a god would be awful, but I didn't expect them to be gods themselves!

Vera smiled at Victor and murmured hello, which he returned, then her large, dark eyes caught sight of me, even as I tried to remain invisible slightly behind Victor. She watched me without a change in her expression, then tilted her head to observe me better.

" _Privet_ ," she said with a soft, slightly confused smile.

My heart leapt into my throat. " _P-….privet_!" I cried in reply, much too loudly.

" _Mama, eto Katsuki Yuriy_ ," Victor explained softly.

Vera's large eyes flicked back to her son for a moment, without surprise, but before returning to me, they rested briefly on Victor's hand which was still grasping mine. I gasped with horror and tried to retract it, but Victor's wouldn't be moved. Vera smiled and lowered her head with what might have been a chuckle, but I wasn't sure.

She looked back up at me and nodded. "I know," she said, shocking me again by switching to English. I was panicking because she was so beautiful and graceful I still couldn't read her expression at all. "You skate very expressively, Mr. Katsuki."

"Oh Mama, don't be so distant, you can just call him Yuri. Right?" Victor addressed the last part to me with an irresponsible grin.

I nodded helplessly. "Anything…anything is okay…"

Vera covered her mouth briefly and again I thought she may have been covering a chuckle, but she was so graceful I really couldn't tell. She turned to Victor again and said, though still sticking to English, "I expected you yesterday. I'm afraid the cream won't be as fresh today. Do you mind?" she asked both of us.

Victor shook his head blithely while I shook mine vigorously.

"Come in, then. I'll get started."

"I'll help!" Victor chimed in as he entered after her, dragging me along.

Victor and Vera both ushered me into the dining room, though I was in wonder looking at everything, beautiful art that lined the rather sparse, neat walls of mostly white, interspersed with pictures of Victor and another child growing up. A brother? Victor had never once mentioned having a brother. There were some pictures of Vera with an adult who looked a little like a younger and more masculine version of Victor, but none of Victor and that person together. Some of the pictures seemed to have part of a man's body in them, but had been cut off. But I only had a moment to take this all in before the two Nikiforovs plopped me down at the dining table while they retreated to the kitchen.

They were very natural together and touched a lot. Victor helped her prepare the ingredients and then brewed the tea as Vera started the oladi. I had another few minutes to look over the photos on the nearby walls, wondering if that was really Victor's sibling (and trying not to wonder about where his father was). Then Vera returned and began setting the table.

"Oh…let me help!" I said belatedly.

Vera just looked at me and chuckled. She set a gently hand on my shoulder and pushed me back into my chair as I had started to stand. She and Victor finished getting everything ready in moments, and then we were all sitting together, the two Nikiforovs smiling at each other. Vera glanced at me and gracefully set her hand on her chin.

"Eat," she told me.

Victor nodded, smiling.

I hesitantly complied. And after I had taken a bite, I found myself smiling softly. This taste was so comforting, even though it wasn't familiar. Sweet and yet subtly sour, crisp and yet fluffy. And I hated to say it, but Victor was right. His were good, but his mother's were better.

Vera was watching me, smiling but waiting.

I finally managed to return her smile. "It's very good. Thank you."

"Right?" Victor chimed in, delighted. " _Mamulechka_ is the best cook in the world."

Vera chuckled, taking a few dainty bites herself.

After we'd all eaten a little, and the atmosphere became more comfortable, I found myself glancing at the photos again. Victor noticed.

"Something wrong, Yuri?" he asked me.

"Hm? Ah…" I froze, realizing Vera was looking too. "N-…nothing! Sorry."

Her gaze passed where mine had been to the nearest picture of the young man who looked a little like Victor. "Oh. Vitaly? He doesn't live here. Don't worry about him," Vera said dismissively.

"Um…is he…" I murmured, not sure whether to ask Victor or Vera.

Victor answered, with a smile that had grown stiff, "My brother." He shrugged. "But he hasn't lived with us for a long time. I doubt I could pick him out in a crowd. He just comes to visit Mama now and then."

"You…don't get along?" I murmured hesitantly. When Victor and Vera both glanced at me, I gasped. "I'm so sorry that was such a horrifically rude question! Never mind! I don't need to know!"

Victor managed a small laugh while Vera sighed a little. "Well. We don't mind. It's old news now, but I didn't really want you to know the bad side of my family."

" _On zhe yeshche tvoy brat_ ," Vera said. I didn't understand that, but I got the impression she was critical of Victor's words, although she didn't completely disagree.

Victor's brows grew furrowed and he looked away. He tried to smile but it didn't come out quite right and he just looked sad. "Vitaly chose to live with my father."

"Your…father?"

Victor lapsed into silence, looking at ground. Vera frowned sharply with concern. She brushed Victor's hair from his face and cupped his chin in her hand, making him meet her gaze. They communicated somehow silently and Victor managed a little smile.

With difficulty, Victor continued, "I had a bit of a difficult adolescence. Not everything about me, my father understood. Things got pretty bad. In the end, I made my mother choose between him and me."

"No," Vera said firmly. "He did that. No one who hurts my babies can stay in my life." She pulled him closer and rested her head against his to comfort him. " _Ty ne sdelala nichego plokhogo._ _Nikogda ne dumayte chto_ ," she murmured softly.

"I…I'm so sorry…" I murmured.

After squeezing his mother's hand, Victor broke away from her and smiled at me. "Don't be sorry for me. I have the best mother in the world. She makes me proud, that's why I wanted you to meet her." Vera simply smiled as he said this. I gained new respect for both of them. In Japan, the idea of divorce in itself was shocking, not to mention children being separated, so it was hard for me to understand how they were so happy, but I wanted to.

We all returned to eating and the two Nikiforov's and soon slipped into pleasant chat about local events and friends. After we'd all finished eating, Vera sat back, folded her hands and narrowed her eyes a little at her son.

"So, Vitya. You had something to tell me?"

I'd unfortunately taken a sip of tea at that moment and choked.

Victor wiped his mouth with a napkin and smiled at his mother. Then he smiled at me. With his right hand, he reached over and grasped mine. I was trying not to tremble with fear, but Victor's touch and his smile reassured me. Whatever happened, he would be by my side. There was no reason to fear.

"Mama. We're getting married," he said.

I flinched. He'd gone straight past the "we're in a relationship" or "Yuri is special to me" or any of the sort of cushioning words that I'd expected. In panic, I looked to Vera.

She took this in for a moment with little change in her expression. Then her face softened into a difficult smile. I thought her eyes looked a little red. She took in a deep breath and nodded to herself.

" _Ty shastliv_?" she asked him softly.

Victor looked blissful as he replied equally quietly, yet with conviction, " _Gorazdo bol'she, chem ya zasluzhivayu_."

Vera smiled like the sun opening on a cloudy day. She turned to me. "And you're happy with my son?"

Having missed the meaning of their exchange, I was completely unprepared when it almost seemed like it was Vera Nikiforov who was asking me for permission for her son to marry me. My mouth hung open rather unflatteringly for a few moments before I managed a nod. She didn't seem satisfied by that, and of course, why would she be?

"I…!" I began, too loud. I swallowed and self-regulated, sensing that Vera could see right through the slightest hint of insincerity. I looked her in the eyes. "I love your son with all my heart. I don't have much to offer, but I promise…I'll look after him!"

Victor blinked. He and Vera exchanged glances. Victor turned away and hunched over, and I saw his shoulder shaking.

" _Vitya, eto ne ochen' vezhlivo_ ," Vera commented, absently.

"Wh…why are you laughing?" I demanded.

Victor struggled between giggles, "Just…like a…little kid begging for a dog."

"I was being sincere! I will, I mean…I intend to…"

Victor finally controlled himself and stopped laughing, facing his mother again. "Well, so he says, _Mamulechka_. What do you think?"

Vera's expression had barely changed all this time. I couldn't believe how accepting she was. "I'd like anyone you chose, Vitya. But I think this one is especially cute and earnest. _Vam luchshe ne poteryat' yego_ ," she added softly with a smile.

"I won't," Victor replied with conviction.

My cheeks lit up with red because I understood what she said. ("You better not lose him.")

The remainder of the time we spent at Victor's mother's home, we mostly just talked and even joked, and I actually started feeling comfortable. Vera was still so dazzling and unreadable that I was deathly nervous around her, but now and then I would see a similar smile to Victor's cross her face. And when I met her eyes, I felt I could trust her as I could trust Victor.

About an hour later, as we had moved out onto the terrace to enjoy a bit of sunshine, Victor took my hand and whispered in my ear, "Yuri. I want to be alone."

Though I blushed that he had said it in such close proximity to his own mother, I nodded.

We said goodbye to Vera and promised to visit again (Victor with more sincerity than I), and went quickly back to the hotel. We closed the door together and stood in the entryway for some time, taking each other in. Victor leaned against me, affectionately touching my hair, and I held him close around his waist. I was so happy just feeling his warmth and smell. But guilt about how I'd hurt him struck just as hard as my current happiness.

"Victor…" I murmured.

He made a tight smile as if he knew what I was about to say.

I closed my eyes tight. "I'm so sorry."

Victor bit his lip, unable to reply for a moment. He eventually managed a half smile, and nodded, stroking my hair. "I know. It's okay."

I looked up at him, his loving acceptance making me regret every time I'd ever taken him for granted. I clasped his face in my hands. "No. It wasn't okay to be so ungrateful to have you in my life. It wasn't okay not to trust you, when you've never given me any reason not to. I swear, I'll never hurt you like that again."

Victor chuckled shyly, leaning into my touch. "Everybody makes mistakes, Yuri. I've hurt you too, without meaning to. I'm sure we'll both make mistakes in the future too. But if we try, and be brave like you were, there'll be more happiness than mistakes."

I nodded. I pulled him down into a sweet kiss. I noticed Victor was a little less proactive than usual, as if he wanted me to lead. He was apparently in one of those moods, because after only a little kissing and touching his chest, he began to shiver, moan and lean into me. Our lips parted and he let out a sweet gasp, his hips pressed trembling against mine.

He rested his head on my shoulder and whispered in my ear, "Yuri…"

"Mm," I replied, kissing his cheek. "Let's go to bed."

We settled on the bed, Victor pushing me down and kneeling before me. He rested his head against my chest for a moment and I held him lovingly, kissing his hair. He smiled up at me coquettishly before unzipping my pants and taking my cock into his mouth. I shivered, more sensitive than usual as I realized my future husband, this beautiful, amazing, loveable person, loved me too. I caressed his hair as I watched him in fascination.

Eventually, and careful not to disturb Victor with what he was doing, I removed my shirt and tossed it away. I gingerly reached down, though was having trouble thinking when Victor's mouth was doing amazing things to me, and pulled his shirt up. He didn't seem to want to, but eventually removed his mouth so I could get it all the way off. He stood and removed his pants so I did the same, then grasped his hand and guided him onto bed with me.

Victor climbed on top of me with a happy smile, kissing me. I returned it, but soon turned his head away so I could kiss and suck down on his neck. Victor's whole body shivered. He made pleasant noises while moving his body against mine. While he arched his back against me, I ran my hands slowly down his back. Eventually I grasped his ass in both hands.

"Mmm…" Victor moaned, his voice turning soft and high.

I caressed his firm, finely shaped ass while he rolled his hips against me, stimulating both of us. I couldn't stop breathing in the skin of his neck. He always smelled so good. Instinctively, while I was kissing, I bit down rather hard.

"Ah!" Victor cried, tensing. He gasped as he twitched a little and then relaxed, panting. I looked up at him in surprise but he seemed equally confused. He trembled and bit his lip for a moment, then murmured softly, "Yuri…do that again…"

A pleasant sensation ran through my body at seeing his expression and hearing him say those words at that moment. I grasped him tight around his back so he couldn't move, lightly licked and then sank my teeth into his neck.

"Mmmmh!" Victor cried, twitching. He thrust his hips against mine several times, then tensed again. I felt warmth on my belly as his cock squirted just a little. As I released his neck, he collapsed on top of me, breathless. "Ah…this is bad, Yuri. I think I may have opened a new door."

I licked his neck affectionately, feeling bad about the red marks my teeth had left. "I don't mind if you get more perverted, Victor."

Victor laughed. "Don't say that. I'll take you up on it!"

Wordlessly, we sank into another deep kiss. When our lips parted, I asked him, "What do you want to do next?"

"Hm…" Victor considered happily. He leaned down to whisper in my ear. I trembled at his words and nodded.

Though I think he expected me to get up from under him or push him onto his back, I wiggled down to situate myself under his hips. Observing his slightly pink, dripping member, I moistened two fingers well in my mouth. I reached up to swirl my fingers around his entrance while taking the tip of his cock into my mouth.

Victor moaned, his hips shaking in my hands. As I teased him gently, he seemed to be getting impatient. "Ah…Yuri…" he murmured. "Just…one at a time is fine…I can't concentra-…ah!"

As I slipped a finger inside him, I flicked the tip of his cock with my tongue. I continued absently flicking his most sensitive spot while I opened him up, searching for his prostate. Victor was wiggling in my arms, but I held him steady. His hips kept trying to absently thrust, though I could tell he was trying to stop.

"It's okay, Victor," I told him. "Just use me." With that, I swallowed his cock all the way and encouraged him to thrust to his liking by grasping and squeezing his ass with my free hand.

"Nnh! Yuri!" Victor cried, helplessly thrusting inside my mouth. I gagged a little, but it felt good as he tried to be gentle but now and then thrust hard as my fingers struck his prostate over and over. "Ah…Yuri, I can't…" he gasped.

After swallowing his cock deeply one more time, I reluctantly removed it from my mouth, leaving a trail of saliva. I licked it a little, causing Victor to twitch. I shifted to kneel behind him. When Victor had gained back some control, he lowered his chest to the bed and looked back at me erotically. I picked up the lube bottle and fished out a condom from the beside drawer. After putting on the condom, which was tricky because Victor was so sexy it was hard not to cum from looking at him, I applied a liberal amount of lube around Victor's entrance and my own cock.

"Yuri," Victor pleaded. "I want you now…don't make me wait."

"Victor…" I murmured, in wonder at my good fortune to be so loved. I leaned over him and hugged him tightly from behind. "I meant what I said…from now on, I'll take care of you. I'll do anything to make you happy. I love you so much." I kissed his hair.

Victor whimpered, opening his mouth to admonish me, but at that point I slowly inserted my cock inside him. He trembled and let out an aching sigh. I kissed his back as I pushed slowly deeper. I also had to gasp as sensations of warmth and intense pleasure assaulted me at being inside him, holding him tighter. Under me, Victor still took in shaking breaths between parted lips and his eyes went hazy with pleasure. I couldn't wait any more and pulled out to thrust inside him again.

"Nnh!" Victor whined, arching his back and pressing his hips tight to mine as I struck his deepest point. "Ah…Yuri…you're so hard…" he whispered, his eyelashes fluttering. "I can feel you all the way…nnnh…!" He buried his face in the sheets as I thrust again.

"Victor…" I gasped.

I thrust at a faster pace, moving only my hips so I could keep Victor wrapped in my arms. Victor cried out and grasped the sheets with both hands, later biting them. I kissed his shoulder and caressed his chest. He closed his eyes and began letting out sexy moans; Victor frequently started out talkative during sex and later only became able to say my name. It was just another thing that made him adorable to me. I kissed and licked the base of his neck, making him shiver and yelp a little.

Victor's sexiness was quickly driving me crazy and I held yet tighter to him as I pumped faster inside him. Victor's cries became high and desperate, his fingers grasping the sheets. My desire to taste him kept growing strong and I licked his neck over and over. Finally, as I felt him growing tight around me as he was about to cum, I lost control and bit down on his neck again.

Victor's body tensed. His mouth opened in a soundless cry as his eyes fluttered. I couldn't stop though, my cock now spurting over and over inside him as an overpowering orgasm momentarily robbed me of all sense. Neither of us seemed able to move for a few moments. Finally, as my balls had emptied themselves completely, I gasped, releasing Victor's skin from my mouth.

"Ah…I'm sorry…!" I panted. I sat back to slowly remove my cock from inside Victor, but to my surprise that action caused him to cry out and his cock to twitch and drip yet more cum as his orgasm continued. Victor shivered, biting his lip, and eventually let out a sigh.

"Wow…" he murmured.

He collapsed on the bed, and I moved to examine his neck, on which there were now deep bite marks, a small part of which had broken the skin a little.

Absolute horror struck me. "Victor, are you okay?! I'm so sorry! I was too excited!"

Victor laughed and cutely snuggled into the covers. "Mm…you say that, but I'm not sure I've ever cum that hard before. We should maybe be cautious with this, but you've found a new kink for me, Yuri."

I blushed deeply. "I wasn't…trying to…"

"Yuri. Kiss me."

"Oh…okay."

I lay down beside him and Victor pulled me into a sweet, long kiss. When our lips parted, he smiled blissfully at me. "I hope it becomes a scar," he said.

"What?!" I demanded in horror.

Victor stroked my hair. "It's proof I belong to you. I love the rings, but scars can't be taken off or lost. The way you carved your existence into my heart, I hope it never fades."

I blinked through my embarrassment and reticence, not sure this was entirely healthy even though it made me very happy. "I guess it's better than matching tattoos," I mumbled.

"Mhm. Plus…" he pushed himself onto his elbows to whisper in my ear, "…it feels amazing."

Even though all the blood in my body should still have been gathered around my waist, my face went bright red and I shied away from him, though wondering if it were true.

"Want me to try with you?"

After a moment's hesitation, I nodded.

After Victor drove me insane with uncharacteristic stamina that night, and gave me a matching bite mark (which, I have to admit, he was right about), we tumbled to sleep together. We slept late the next day, and woke to another blissful morning together. But this time, Victor wouldn't let me get breakfast. He insisted on getting room service and not letting me leave the bed. I was realizing this was Victor's own version of possessiveness, and it tickled me a little.

But as we lay in bed, munching on toasted sandwiches and fruit, Victor suddenly froze and went pale. He looked down at me with absolute horror. "Yuri…" he murmured. "How long since you've practiced your free skate?"

I turned to stone. "Before…nationals…oh no, nationals…Nationals…" I mumbled. We both stared at each other in shocked silence for a moment, and then I cried, "Plane tickets!"


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter Ten

I woke the next morning when Victor leapt out of bed and grabbed his cell phone. Moments later, he was out the door. I knew it was wrong. But after giving him about a minute's head start, I followed him. I didn't even try to give myself an excuse for what I was doing. I wanted to be there when Yuri broke Victor's heart so I could steal him. Filled with fear and desire, I followed Victor as he ran through the city.

They met in that park where I'd found Yuri. They only spoke for a moment. Then I saw Victor start to cry. It looked just as it should. I was ready to sweep in, to save Victor from this and finally make him mine. But then, not long after, Yuri started to cry too. And Victor kissed him. A few minutes later, I heard Yuri shout his love loud enough for half of St. Petersburg to hear. They hugged each other tight, and I could see Victor was crying but smiling. His lips formed the words that nailed the final coffin in my heart. There was no reason to watch any more of this. My heart was completely broken.

I numbly walked away. Not really thinking about it, I went to the hotel where Otabek was staying. Possibly sensing I would need him, he had extended his stay in Russia. I stood before his door. I kicked it. Then I thumped my head against it, trying not to cry. A few moments later, a sleepy Otabek came to the door. He took me in with a long glance and sighed.

As I started to break down and cry like a child, he wrapped one large, comforting hand around the back of my neck and pulled me into his arms. Even though it was against my nature, I gripped his night shirt and sobbed into it. He patted my head without saying or even asking anything. I hated to rely on anyone, but I was so grateful Otabek was there when I needed him. I was really lucky to have such a friend, though I didn't deserve him.

After a while, Otabek sat me down on the bed and asked if I wanted to talk about it. I huffed in annoyance, pretty well calmed down by now, although my eyes were still feeling puffy. "What's to talk about? I never had a chance anyway. You just got me all confused with that Odile talk…" I mumbled.

"Oh. I see," he replied. He looked away in thought. "Too bad. I thought you were really close to a breakthrough somehow. I'm sorry if I made things harder for you."

I bit my lip, my chest twinging uncomfortably, not wanting to admit that he was right. The truth was, I really had felt Odile. I'd felt her coldness and her joy. I felt that part of myself that didn't care about others. I even enjoyed it. But that wasn't the problem. The problem with Odile only came if you didn't want to be Odile all the time. Returning to Odette brought back all the consequences of one's darker self's actions.

"Whatever," I grumbled. "I'm not really blaming you."

"I'm glad you seem to be feeling better," Otabek said. "I know you really love him. It'll probably take a while to get over that feeling." I tucked my knees up to my chest and set my head between them in despair. I wasn't even sure I wanted to get over it. Otabek let out a slow breath in thought, clearly sympathizing but not having an answer for how I could do that. Eventually he said, "I don't have much experience, but I've heard a rebound romance is the quickest way."

"Rebound?" I scowled. "Right. With who?"

Otabek shrugged. "I can't tell you that. Just pick someone you don't mind being around. Have fun and don't worry about the future. Again, I'm not an expert, but I get the feeling it'll work for you."

I sighed, putting my head between my knees again. I really wasn't hopeful that, even if it would make me feel better to be with someone else, anyone would take me. The next day, Victor sent a hurried message that he and Yuri would be returning to Japan to train for the Japanese Nationals. I didn't have a chance to say goodbye, which…I was grateful for. I didn't want to see Victor, and I couldn't even think about looking Yuri in the eye right now.

I knew Otabek was only delaying his return for my sake and I started to feel guilty, but I didn't want him to go. So I imposed upon Yakov to let Otabek train with us. Strangely, the two seemed to get along. Of course, they had known one another for longer than Yakov and I had. Yakov liked that Otabek listened (for the most part), and Otabek liked that Yakov didn't discourage his honesty when he didn't want to. Otabek's firm, almost anti-ballet masculinity made him enchanting to watch. He had gotten even better since last year's grand prix. Many times, I found myself unable to look away.

For a few days after that, Otabek and I hung out together, had fun and did little else. I was so grateful he was there so I didn't have to wallow in self-pity. I didn't have to think about Victor if I didn't want to, and he never pressed me. I felt like myself again.

One night, after we had dinner, Otabek ordered wine on a whim. I narrowed my eyes at him as he first smelled it and then took a deliberate sip.

"I've seen you drink before but never seen you drunk," I commented.

He glanced up at me, but eventually shrugged. "Actually I can't drink in Kazakhstan yet, so it's more or less new to me. I do like wine and beer, but I guess I've never been drunk before."

An evil smile winded its way up my face. This spelled fun. "Let's go back to your hotel. And stop by a convenience store on the way."

Otabek took me in with a long, judging glance for a while before he tilted his head in mild confusion and then nodded. After we left the restaurant, I gave Otabek some money and waited outside the store while he got some vodka as I instructed and we headed back to his hotel room. In the room, we both sat on the floor with a bottle of vodka between us. Otabek looked at the bottle and raised his eyebrows when he saw the proof.

I giggled with delight. "You've really never had vodka before?"

He frowned at me. "You have?"

"Russians are weaned on vodka," I commented, flipping my hand dismissively.

"That can't be true," Otabek muttered, ever the straightforward, gullible guy.

"Drink, drink!"

Otabek sighed. "Well. I'm not drinking alone," he said, and briefly left the room. He returned with two glasses from the bathroom.

"Fine. I'm not worried," I said, accepting a glass and holding it out.

As he sat down again, he poured one for me and one for himself. Then he clinked his against mine with a soft, humoring smile. " _Za nashu druzhbu_ ," he said.

" _Nashu druzhbu_!" I replied, laughing.

We both downed the vodka in one swig. It burned down my throat pleasantly and gave an immediate kick. I sighed in satisfaction, but quickly looked toward Otabek. He closed his eyes tight for a moment. Then he opened just one. He coughed. "Okay," he said simply.

I rolled on the floor laughing, kicking my feet up in the air. I righted myself and scooted within inches of him to look closely at his face. "Think you can handle it?" I needled.

I think he was a little unsure, but he considered and nodded. "Logically, I can handle more than you."

"Hah?" I demanded, my mood souring.

Otabek shrugged. "I didn't mean any offense. I'm bigger than you. And older. And clearly I have both more fat and more muscle, so theoretically-"

I grabbed the bottle and poured us two more shots. "Let your empty glass do the talking, big man," I growled.

Otabek frowned as I handed him his glass again. "Aren't you too young to be drinking anyway?"

"To be buying it. This and that are completely different. Down the hatch," I said, clinking his glass and downing another shot.

He pursed his lip, looking at the glass and blinking rather rapidly. Nevertheless, he joined me in another shot.

I don't think very much time passed between that moment and when we were splayed out on the floor, trying to play the laughing game, half the bottle of vodka now empty. I situated my head on Otabek's stomach and he tried not to laugh. Even though he was normally so stoic, obviously drunk Otabek was a little different. I craned my neck to try to see his face and it wasn't a moment before I saw his lip twitch. He covered his mouth and looked away from me, his cheeks bright red, and I felt his stomach muscles tense. He snorted. Moments later, we both burst out laughing and I tackled him, kicking my legs gleefully.

"Okay, I failed, now you," Otabek said, pushing me away.

"You don't even know, I always win this game," I said, slurring my speech a little as I flopped over onto my back. Otabek paid no attention to what I was saying and crawled over to rest his head on my stomach. "I beat my Grandpa when I was nine. I beat Mila every time. I even beat-"

"Are you allowed to talk?"

I huffed irritably and settled down. Otabek's head was heavy, but it was a comfortable weight on my stomach. I peeked down at him to see he had closed his eyes as if he was about to fall asleep. I poked his cheek.

"No sleeping."

He snorted with laughter, flicking my hand away. I puffed up my cheeks as I tried to stop laughing and let my head settled back down. After a few minutes of silence, I realized this felt really good. I was really fond of Otabek. I was always happier when I was with him. I didn't think much as I raised my hand and stroked his hair.

"Mm…" he made a soft noise of approval, closing his eyes again.

My heartbeat increased. I felt hot all of a sudden, especially where I was touching him, but I didn't want to stop. Feeling as if I suddenly had about eight hands, I continued stroking his hair absently. I started thinking about random things, like how Otabek had always been such a good friend. He was always loyal, never questioned my feelings or pressured me to do anything I didn't want to do. Yet he tried to help me realize when I was making a mistake, and did everything he could to support me.

Not even three seconds after having this thought, my chest twanged painfully. Was I in love with Otabek?

Wait, this was stupid. I hadn't even gotten over Victor. How would I ever get through life if I fell in love so quickly? Maybe I was just horny because I was drunk. Maybe…maybe Otabek wouldn't mind that?

After all, he was the one who suggested I should have a rebound with someone. He'd been vague about it, perhaps intentionally. Someone I didn't mind being around, someone to have fun with, he said. Could he have been talking about himself? Did that mean he was into me too?

A thrill ran through my chest. The thought that Otabek might love me made my whole body feel electrified. I suddenly felt so happy just imagining it. I tilted my head a little to look down at him. His stark, noble features. A stray strand of hair crossing between his eyes. I reached down to gently brush it away. His eyes fluttered, but closed again. He trusted me and was comfortable with me. That felt so good.

I sat up on my elbows a little. "Otabek…" I said softly.

He chuckled. "Give up?"

"Huh? Oh. Sure. Hey…" I moved out from under him, letting him put his head down on the floor, and scooted down so my face was closed to his. His eyes were still closed. I watched his handsome face for a moment before I remembered I had started talking. Into his ear, I murmured "…do you want to have a different kind of fun?"

Otabek's eyes flicked open a little and his brows drew slightly together. "Hm?" he murmured.

I slipped into the space between his arm and body and leaned against him. My hand crept up his chest. His eyes opened fully and he looked at me in surprise. But – and I like to blame the alcohol for at least part of this – I didn't notice his reaction and pushed myself up to close the distance between his face and mine.

"It was your advice, right?" I asked in a sexy whisper, my lips practically touching his. "Didn't that mean you don't mind if it's you?"

Otabek's brows drew tight together, but not quite understanding what emotion was on his face, I closed the remaining distance. I kissed him deeply, caressing his face. Otabek took an inward breath of shock, but he barely moved. For an instant, his lips parted and I was able to slip my tongue inside. I felt his breath quicken and a soft noise escape him, and warmth ran through my whole body. But before I knew what was happening, I thudded against the floor, cold again.

After a delayed reaction, my shoulder started to hurt. I looked at it in surprise. That was where I'd landed. My chest too. That was where Otabek had pushed me with all his strength. I looked up at him, uncomprehending.

Otabek was sitting on the floor some distance away, panting and looking at me like I was a deadly animal. He looked at the ground and shook his head, looking confused. "No…I didn't mean that…Yuri…"

It took a couple more seconds for the realization to reach me; not only had I been wrong about Otabek, he was not interested in me, but he was so uninterested that the idea of me kissing him was apparently terrifying to him. I watched him for another moment before a tear ran down my face. My chest felt torn open. Soon one tear fell after another and I couldn't stop. I was so ashamed.

With a sob, I stumbled to my feet and ran toward the door.

"Yuri!" Otabek called after me in panic.

But I didn't care. I knew he was just worried about me, just being the good friend he always had been. The friend I would never have again. Because I'd ruined everything. How could I be so horrible? Why did everything I touch turn to ash? Why did I have to make everyone else unhappy, not just myself?


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter Eleven

Unable to summon the will to contact Otabek the next day, even to apologize, I waited for a while to see if he would contact me. But my phone remained conspicuously silent all day. He didn't want to talk about it. I don't know if he went back to Kazakhstan after that, because it was time to start training seriously for the Grand Prix. I fell into my training with a broken heart, which fortunately helped me to portray Odette and Odile even better. I still felt, and Yakov confirmed, that there was something missing. But part of me was still afraid of Odile.

I heard – but only caught the last minute or so live, because I forgot to watch – that Katsudon easily won gold at the Japanese nationals, not that he needed to, of course, because he was already seeded high enough from last year's silver medal to be up for the Grand Prix first stage. The assignments went up a few weeks later. Victor was assigned to Russia. Me to America again. Yuri to China, again. And Otabek also to Russia.

I struggled in the first stage. I had been lucky in the draw not to be facing any other strong jumpers like JJ or Yuri, and managed to win gold in spite of one fall in my free skate. But it was an empty victory. I knew I was better than this, and it was galling that my personal feelings had made me unable to perform like I knew I could. Yakov confirmed that I was not skating my potential right now, and warned that if I didn't figure something out I'd have no chance against stronger skaters in the final. Well what was I supposed to do?!

Those who won silver and above in each respective stage moved on to the final stage, which was in Nagoya, Japan. The competitors in the Grand Prix Final would be Victor, Yuri, Christophe Giacometti, JJ, Me, and Otabek. So if nothing else, I'd at least have to see him skate.

I arrived in Nagoya a week ahead of the event. I went around looking at tourist spots, Nagoya Castle, the Tokugawa Garden and Osu shopping area, and just as I was getting tired I got a message on my phone. It was from Yuri. Possibly out of pity, he had invited me out to dinner with him and Victor that night. It was hard to think of seeing them when I still felt so guilty about what I'd done, but the way I felt right then, I wanted to be with friends.

I made my way to the restaurant, arriving a few minutes late because I got on the wrong train. It was an izakaya, so there were lots of Japanese people in separated rooms who stopped talking to stare at me as I passed. Even with my hood up I guess my blond hair stood out. I ignored them, wandering around looking for familiar faces. Sure enough, I spotted Victor's silvery hair and a shabby, bespectacled Yuri waving blithely at me.

"Oh, Yurio! In here!" he said.

Well, that was a relief. He wasn't as angry as I thought he'd be. Of course, that didn't mean he'd forgiven me, but I was still happy to see him smiling at me. It was hard to admit it, but as much as I acted like I didn't like him, Katsuki Yuri had become someone very important to me. I swallowed my guilt, kicked off my shoes on the lower walking area and stepped up to the small tatami room where they were sitting. I looked up with surprise to see it wasn't just the two of them. Also sitting at the table, with their legs folded awkwardly as they were not used to sitting on tatami mats, were Chris and…Otabek.

His lips parted as he looked up at me in uncharacteristic surprise, then quickly looked away with no expression. I looked away too, pretending that hadn't cut me deeply. I was the one at fault after all, I had no right to be hurt by him not wanting to see me.

Chris waved. "Hey there, cutie. Come have a seat over here."

The way the four of them were seated, I could have sat between Chris and Yuri or Chris and Otabek. I plopped myself down in the former spot, taking a drink of (probably Chris's) water, folding my arms and scowling at nothing.

"Well, all the finalists in one room, once again. This happened before last year didn't it?" Victor said, chuckling.

"Uh…there's also JJ…" Yuri mumbled, though no one cared.

We chatted a bit (mostly Chris and Victor) in a relaxed atmosphere for about an hour before Chris brought up the topic of his partner, showing off to Victor with various pictures of their wedded bliss, with cat. In particular, he was excited to show some photos of breakfasts that his husband made for him.

"That's my advice, for all of you young ones," Chris said, pointing his finger around the table at everyone but Victor. "Find someone you love, that's important. Someone who pushes your buttons in all the right ways. But whatever else you do, find someone who can cook! That's the secret to happiness."

Victor smiled warmly at Yuri. "I've had your mother's cooking but never yours, Yuri. Would you make me something one of these days?"

Yuri blushed, pushing his glasses up his nose. "I can only make simple things…curry…and maybe salad…"

"Katsudon can't make katsudon?" I grumbled into a glass of oolong tea I'd ordered.

"Well, I'd love to try your curry and salad," Victor said diplomatically, grasping Yuri's hand supportively. "But Yuri has other charms. For one, he's totally my type!"

Yuri went bright red all the way up to his ears. "Th-…th-…that's the first I'm hearing about it!"

"Me too," I muttered, watching Victor curiously. I always thought he didn't have a type. If he'd go for katsudon, I thought he'd go for anyone.

"Actually, me too," Chris murmured absently, tilting his head in thought. "In fact the people you've dated have been so different, I assumed you didn't have one."

Apparently overcome with thoughts of Victor's previous lovers, Yuri's shoulders slumped and he got a look on his face like his dog had died.

"I don't think so," Victor replied, failing to notice Yuri's despair. I rolled my eyes. He could be such a space cadet sometimes. "They all had the important things in common."

"What…were they like?" Yuri asked in a barely audible murmur.

Victor grinned at him. "Loveable. Honest. Determined. Adored me more than anything. Don't laugh, Chris, that's important to me!" Victor demanded as Chris snorted into his drink. He turned back to Yuri to say sweetly, "But none have been as adorable as you, Yuri. I get all these squishy warm feelings every time I look at you. Being with you is like always being wrapped in a blanket of love."

"I don't…know what that means…" Yuri mumbled, still blushing heavily and halfheartedly pushing Victor away, though to my eyes looking secretly overjoyed.

"Ha ha, me neither!" Victor agreed. "Is Jacob your type, Chris?"

Chris thought about it. "Well…to be honest, no, I always thought he was a bit ordinary." He shrugged. "But he won me over by being a complete prince. How about you, Bek-ki?"

Otabek raised his eyebrows at his new nickname. "How about what?"

"Your type."

Again breaking from his usual character, Otabek shocked the room by scowling. "I wish you would stop talking about this," he said in a low voice. "Unlike you, I'm not a homo."

My eyes widened. The other three went silent as well. They exchanged glances, all of them realizing that that would make Otabek the only straight person here, but also probably taken aback by his bluntness. I was too shocked to respond for a moment, and then I realized Yuri was staring at me.

"Yurio…" he murmured. "…are you crying?"

He was right. I tried to stop, but I couldn't help it. Not only was Otabek not gay, I'd assaulted him. Not only that, judging from his tone it would seem he was more than a little homophobic. He must hate me more than words could say. And he'd apparently been stewing in that hate ever since I sat down. I sat there with tears streaming down my face for a moment until embarrassment flooded the pit of my stomach and I wished I could crawl into a hole. I ran out of the restaurant.

"Yuri…" I thought I heard Otabek's hesitant voice after me, but it could have been Chris.

I walked out into the freezing streets of Nagoya sobbing and sniffing. After walking a short way (barefoot because I didn't want to take the time to put my shoes on anywhere near Otabek), I plopped down on a stoop to put my shoes on, and once I had, crumpled in on myself and cried into my knees, heedless of the whispers and stares. Even as I started shivering, I stayed where I was, unable to summon the will to move anywhere else.

"Yuri…" came a soft voice above me.

I gasped and looked up in surprise.

Otabek was looking down at me with a look on his face of confusion and frustration. He looked a little out of breath, too. His eyes glanced away from mine as soon as I saw him. He took a breath while apparently gathering his thoughts.

Eventually he sighed, rubbing the crease between his brows. He said behind his hand, "It's not good for your body to stay still outside in this weather. You'll strain your muscles."

"I'm fine," I grumbled, putting my head back between my knees.

"I could…walk you back to your hotel."

I gritted my teeth. It was one thing for him to hate me, that was fair. But why was he still acting like he wanted to be my friend?

"I'm sorry I did that to you, okay?" I barked at him, more harshly than I intended. "But…" I sniffed as fresh tears started to fall against my will. "I can't see you right now. You get it, right?"

Whether he did or not, Otabek didn't answer. He just stood there awkwardly while I sat there and cried. Eventually I got annoyed at his continued presence and look up at him.

"What?" I demanded.

He was still looking confused. "I don't…" he murmured. "I don't understand why you're upset. Or why you don't want to see me. Aren't we friends?"

I gaped at him. Finally anger caused me to get to my feet and glower down at him from the slight elevation of the stoop. "Are you kidding me?! Normal people would struggle to stay friends after something like that, but I you know how I feel about you, right?!"

Otabek blushed and looked away. "Why can't you…just…ignore it? It's not that hard…"

"Hah?!" I demanded irritably. "How would you even know? You're so determined the world knows you're not gay. You wouldn't know what it's like, so don't presume to tell me what to do."

As I spoke, anger and frustration rose up behind Otabek's embarrassment. I was a little shocked. I'd never seen him show that much emotion before. He opened his mouth to speak and then closed it again.

While watching him struggle, a lightbulb went on in my head. My lips parted. I thought I understood what he was having so much trouble saying, but I was afraid of what would happen if I was wrong. I hesitated for a moment in fear, but then hope rose in my chest at the thought I might be right. I gathered my courage.

"Are you…attracted to me?" I asked him, taking a step down so I was barely a foot away from him.

He didn't back away, but he wouldn't look at me. His brows were drawn tightly together and he looked like he wanted to run away.

"Otabek."

He closed his eyes, slightly shaking his head, but he still didn't answer directly.

My chest ached. I knew the heartache he was feeling right now. I'd never really talked about this with anyone, but my mother was really homophobic. She'd blithely talk about pedophiles and rapists and gay people in the same breath. Kazakhstan wasn't all that different from Russia, from what I heard. In fairness, I'd never come out to her so I didn't know what that was like, and neither had I ever tried to pretend I was anything but what I was, but I definitely understood the impulse. And the pain that went with it.

I raised a hand to gently touch his cheek. His eyelashes fluttered against his cheeks, and then I knew I wasn't imagining things. It was true. On some level at least, Otabek had feelings for me, something other than friendship. How long had he been fighting with himself? And if it was anything more than physical attraction, how painful was it for him to shove me away that time?

"Otabek…" I murmured softly. "Please…do you feel the same way about me? Do you love me?"

He let just a little of the weight of his head rest in my hand, but his eyelashes were still trembling, his expression tortured. He bit his lip as if trying to stop himself from speaking, limply shaking his head again.

I growled in frustration, tightening my hands into fists and resting them against his large, muscular chest. "Otabek, please…" I urged.

"No," he said firmly, grasping my wrists. In a soft but determined voice, he said, "Stop this, Yuri. It's not right."

I choked back a sob, frustration and hope and despair battling inside me. "Well who decided that?! Let me go, coward!"

Otabek grabbed me harder and pulled me close. "I'm not a coward," he murmured.

"Then what are you?" I demanded.

"I'm not afraid," Otabek persisted, a dark tint in his eyes. "I know it's wrong, that's not the same."

"No?" I goaded him further. "But the idea of saying you love someone is just too much for you. God forbid I'd done any more than kiss you that night. Let go of me!"

"Stop it! I just want to talk. I just want to go back to the way things were," Otabek said, restraining me as I tried to break away from him.

"Well I don't. If you're not going to let me go, then kiss me."

Otabek froze, but his chiseled cheeks grew a little pink and his eyes briefly flicked down to my lips. "No," he said, looking away.

I stepped closer to him and murmured softly, "Otabek…I'll be honest, I don't know how I feel about you either. I only just got over Victor, so I'm not sure if it's love or not. But being with you makes me happy. I don't even care about Victor anymore, all I can think about is you." Otabek's eyes closed in anguish and he tilted his head down toward himself, but I persisted, standing up on my toes and letting my breath touch his lips as I spoke. "I don't just want to be friends with you. I want you to hold me close and touch every part of me." Otabek's lips parted in a gasp. "If you don't want that, then be kind and let me go. If you do, then stop being a complete asshole and kiss me."

Otabek opened his mouth to answer and stopped. He turned away. I managed to reach up with one of the wrists he was grabbing to turn his chin back toward me. Unfortunately, when his lips parted again, it was utter the soft word, "No."

I snarled and tried to hit him. At the last moment, sadness struck me like a wave. It broke my heart to think that Otabek was rejecting me so strongly, and wouldn't even give me any space to deal with it.

"Cold-hearted monster…" I sobbed softly. Otabek breathed in sharply as I crumpled in his arms and started to cry again. "Let me go! I don't want to see your face!"

Having shocked him by crying again, it was easier to break free this time, and I ran through the streets back toward my hotel. He didn't catch up that time, or maybe he didn't feel like coming after me anymore. I had a bad night but eventually got to sleep, trying to forget about Otabek's tortured expression as he denied me over and over. I can't do this anymore, I thought as I finally fell to a fitful sleep.

The next day, I got up for an early morning walk, as was my habit, and was surprised to find Otabek waiting outside my hotel. He was shivering, as if he'd been waiting a while, even though the sun hadn't been up for more than half an hour. After a moment when my heart leapt with excitement and then pity at seeing him like this, my hurt from the previous day struck me and I looked away. I walked straight past him. He followed for a while without saying anything.

"Fuck off," I told him flatly, without turning to look at him. "I said I don't want to see your face."

"And I don't want to end things like that."

I stopped where I stood and rounded on him. "Too fucking bad!" I told him. "Do you even care how hard it is for me to see you? You rejected me! Then you called me and my friends homos, like it's the plague or something!"

"I only rejected you…in that way," Otabek persisted, looking away. "I like you in spite of that. Isn't that good enough? I still want to be your friend, Yuri."

I sighed, my chest aching. "Just leave me alone."

I started to walk away when Otabek grabbed my arm. He didn't even say anything this time. His mouth was open but no sound came out. He frowned at me as if I had an answer to a question he wouldn't ask. I gritted my teeth, utterly sick of this. It was all or nothing now.

"Come with me," I said, grabbing his hand.

He didn't object as I dragged him back into my hotel room, where I pushed him inside and shut the door after us. Without looking at him, I kicked off my shoes, stepped inside and took off my coat. Then my shirt. Then my pants.

"Yuri…what are you doing?" Otabek demanded, still standing in the genkan.

By way of answering, I finished undressing until I was standing naked in the middle of the room. I even took out my ponytail to let my blond hair fall to just touch my shoulders. I faced him and let him see all of me. My cheeks started to grow hot, but I kept my embarrassment out of my expression.

"I won't say I'm proud of this," I said, gauging his expression even as my heart started to pound. "But even among women, I've been told I'm beautiful. And even straight guys fall head over heels if I so much as smile at them. If you can't get hard for me, you're definitely not gay. Well? Am I beautiful?"

Otabek's eyelashes fluttered and he avoided looking at me. Possibly from being outside for all that time, his cheeks were pink. He didn't seem able to answer. But that was natural, of course, because he wouldn't look directly at me.

"Hey. There's no point if you don't look at me. Come here. Make an honest assessment."

Otabek's jaw muscles twitched as he struggled with himself. At length, he sighed. He slipped his shoes off, dropped his shoulder bag on the ground. He stepped up, taking off his coat and laying it on a nearby table. He slowly walked up to me. His eyes began on my shoulders. They roamed down my slim arms, then over to my chest. They lingered there.

His gaze traveled up my neck and rested near my ear for a moment, then crossed over to my mouth. Up to my eyes, then down my hair. His breathing rate increased as his eyes finally traveled down the rest of my body to linger on my chest, my slender ribs and hips, my long, slim but muscular legs, and finally my dick. He swallowed. He lowered his head so he was still close enough that we shared body heat but he wasn't looking at me. He clenched his jaw

"What do you want?" he whispered in a strained voice.

I sighed, but couldn't help the excitement running through my body. Slowly, so as not to surprise him, I reached up and grasped his hand. He let me pick it up and place his palm against my cheek.

"Do you really need to ask that?" I murmured. "You should be able to tell by now. I want you to touch me. I want you to accept me. I want you, Otabek. So badly it hurts."

Otabek's lips parted as he drew in a quick breath. He hesitantly met my gaze. As I encouraged his hand to roam down my neck, he began to move on his own, feeling my chest lightly as he began to pant and look panicked. All of a sudden, he pulled me close and pressed a fevered kiss to my lips. I shivered, trying to control my breathing. Otabek was kissing me…it didn't feel real, but it still felt so good.

I started to return his kiss and suddenly his arms were wrapped around me, holding me tight. I moaned and wrapped my arms around his neck, running my fingers through his hair. Otabek's hands were all over me, feeling every part and giving me shockingly pleasant sensations. He took in gasping breaths as our lips parted, seeming to want to be even closer. He was so forceful I almost fell over, but I realized that he was so strong I couldn't have if I wanted to.

But abruptly, he pushed me away, lowering his head and trying to catch his breath. He made a noise of frustration, gritting his teeth. "I can't!" he barked roughly.

I growled and pulled his head up to force him to look at me. "Stop it! Why fight yourself so hard?!"

He looked appalled. "You stop!" he shouted back at me, shaking me slightly. "Men shouldn't do this…it's not natural…!"

I held my breath as pain shattered through my chest. I looked away. Once I had some control back, I broke his grip on my shoulders and turned away. "Then leave," I muttered. "I can't do this anymore, Otabek. It hurts too much when you reject me. If you don't want me, then get out. I don't want to see your face."

Otabek took in a difficult breath, and was silent for a time. With my back to him, I couldn't see his expression. It hurt so bad, I wanted to be alone, I wanted this to be over but I truly didn't want him to leave. I knew already it would break my heart if he did. As I bit my lip and struggled not to cry, I felt a soft touch on my shoulder. Otabek's fingers. It was followed by his hair, and then he rested his forehead on the nape of my neck. His fingers tightened on my skin, and though he said nothing, I felt the desperation in his touch.

I sniffed. "Get out," I barked.

Otabek nuzzled my neck with his head, still unable to speak. Slowly, his arms encircled me from behind. "Yuri…" he whispered.

I bit back a sob, unable to stop grasping one of his hands as it rested over my heart. "Screw you. Stop playing with me, you heartless bastard."

"I'm sorry…I know it's wrong, but…I think I love you."

I couldn't stop now. As the tears ran down my face, Otabek kissed my hair.

"What should I do? Yuri…" Otabek murmured softly against my hair. "You make my body ache. My chest feels like it could explode."

As he grasped me tighter in his arms, I felt his hardness pressed against my hips. Desire and love coursed through my body like a fire and I felt all my muscles weakening. He pulled back the hair on the side of my face and kissed my cheek hard. I trembled and let my weight fall against him as my heart melted for him.

As one last tear slipped past my cheek, I muttered, "I'm not kidding, Otabek. If you chicken out after this, I'm going to tear your balls off."

Otabek sighed, resting his head in the curve of my neck again. "Why are you doing this to me?"

"Ugh. Enough. You can shut up now."

I turned around in his arms and grasped his face in my hands to pull him into a passionate kiss. Otabek breathed in sharply and grabbed me tight, forcing his hips up against mine. I winced as my sensitive flesh brushed his belt buckle. Without waiting anymore, I unbuckled his pants and pushed them down, along with his underwear, even as he broke away and slipped his shirt off. We were finally naked together. I ran my fingertips up his chest, making him shiver, and reveled in the feeling of his cold skin, slowly warming up to mine.

Without waiting anymore, Otabek grabbed me tight and kissed me again. He kissed like an animal, repeatedly forcing my mouth open wide to drive his tongue inside. He kept gripping my hair in his fist. It felt good but I got tired of him being in the lead, so I reached down and grasped both our cocks in my hands. Otabek's mouth fell open and he stopped kissing me. He looked down, watching silently and panting.

I stroked us both in a way that felt good for me, twitching now and then as Otabek's dick hardened in my hands. I couldn't stop watching Otabek's face. He looked almost concerned, but was clearly lost in sensation as I stroked him. I wanted to see more expressions like that.

With that thought, I got down on my knees in front of him. I swallowed, watching his pink, twitching cock in front of me. I extended my tongue and licked it experimentally. Otabek grunted softly, closing his eyes. He raised a hand to press it into his forehead in frustration as he tried to control the sensations coursing through him. I continued licking him in a way I thought would feel good to have someone do to me.

Eventually, Otabek hesitantly lowered his hand, panting openly. He forced his eyes open again to watch me, uncertain. It tasted pretty weird but even that was kind of exciting, so I took as much into my mouth as I could and moved my head back and forth to stimulate him.

Otabek made a small noise now at then, eventually reaching his hand up to entangle his fingers in my hair again. He started to shudder as well, and after only a few moments, he let out a strangled cry and came hard into my mouth. I tried to hold back my gag reflex but only managed it for a moment. I broke away from him, coughing, trying to swallow the weird, sour-bitter cum. Otabek squeezed my hair in his fingers.

The next thing I knew, he lifted me under my armpits so I was standing again and held me tightly, cradling my head. It was almost frightening how passionate he was. I tried not to think about how hard it must have been for him to deny this part of himself for so long. He pushed me back a little to start kissing me all over my face. I felt his cock twitch against my stomach; unbelievably his dick hadn't softened at all after cumming.

We somehow managed to get over to the bed, though Otabek at this point was like an octopus, and he turned me around and pushed me down on my stomach on the bed. I turned my head to try to see what he was up to, but then he grabbed me by the hips and forced my ass up so I was on my knees with my face pressed into the bed.

"What are you doing, virgin?" I demanded irritably.

Then I gasped as Otabek's tongue ran up my balls and taint in a long, wet line. I shivered, letting out a feminine noise as I arched my back. He flicked the sensitive spot between my balls and asshole with his tongue, causing me to jump and moan. I already felt like I could cum just from that, but it made me desperate to feel him inside me. I bit the sheets as his tongue swirled around my asshole, lightly flicking it and then trying to push inside it.

"Ahhh…" I sighed blissfully, even though my cock was twitching and demanding attention. I couldn't stop my hips from trembling in his hands. "Okay, stop," I finally managed, unable to wait anymore. "I'll get ready so you lay down over there."

Otabek looked doubtful. Instead of doing as I said, he moved up to cover his body with mine, kissing my neck and pressing his hard dick into my back.

"Rgh," I grunted irritably, pushing his face away. "I just need to get some lotion from the drawer. It's three feet away. Calm down, you big over-excited dog!"

I wiggled from his grasp and managed to reach the lotion, but moments later was pulled into a passionate kiss, Otabek now lying beneath me but still holding me tightly everywhere his hands could reach. I couldn't help moaning as his tongue slipped inside my mouth again, entwining with mine even as his hand cupped around my ass and squeezed. I jolted with pleasure, unwillingly thrusting my hips against his.

"Mn…nnh…ngh! Enough!" I finally broke free to say. "Just sit still for a minute."

Otabek frowned, watching me closely as I leaned back, straddling his body. I squeezed some lotion into my hand and reached around to rub it over my asshole. Otabek's tongue had already softened the area so it was easy to get the first finger in. My eyes fluttered as I felt Otabek's fingers tighten over my thighs. His breathing grew ragged as he watched me. I slowly stretched my entrance even as Otabek was being distracting by stroking my thighs and chest. I finally reached my limit as, just after I had inserted a second finger, his large hand roamed down and grasped my cock.

"Ah!" I cried, tensing all my muscles in an effort not to cum. I growled down at him. "Knock that off. I'm busy."

Otabek took in this idea silently, though he reluctantly moved his hand away. For a time, he just watched me. But soon he pushed himself up to a seated position so his face was just inches from mine. I gasped as excitement raced through me, holding his gaze. His eyes traveled down to my lips suggestively. I felt myself drawn toward him.

Our lips barely touched as I thrust my fingers deeper. I searched for my prostate as Otabek teasingly licked and then lightly bit my lips and tongue. I was growing weak with desire when I felt his hand softly stroke my ass. I shivered. It continued until it rested over my own hand, and I gasped as one of his fingers inserted itself beside mine.

"Ahh…!" I trembled, trying to stay upright. I removed my fingers reflexively, so now it was just Otabek's. Otabek slipped an arm around my chest and back and pulled me tight against him, kissing my neck as he inserted a second finger and pressed deep inside me.

"Otabek…" I whispered, feeling my body tightening and loosening around him. I was trembling with excitement, wanting to feel his cock. He finally inserted a third finger. I collapsed against him, my fingers digging into the skin of his shoulders. Otabek once again grabbed the back of my head and kissed me hard. He flexed and thrust his fingers inside me, not quite reaching the best spot. I unconsciously thrust my hips against him, encouraging him deeper.

"Yuri…" his low voice whispered in my ear.

"Otab-…ah!"

He had removed his fingers and his rock-hard cock was slowly pressing me open. My lower half felt on fire, partly with pain as he was a little bigger than I expected, and partly with pleasure that ran through my whole body from the top of my head to the tips of my toes. His arms wrapped around me so tight I could barely breathe, and I heard him panting with exertion as he tried not to cum.

Slowly, I lowered my hips down as Otabek pressed deeper inside me. Finally, my hips met his. He was so hot, so hard inside me, I could feel his cock pressing and twitching against my prostate. I wouldn't last long with this kind of stimulation. After panting a moment together to regain our breath, Otabek rolled his hips slowly. I gasped, but met the movement with my own. Otabek grunted, pressing his forehead into my shoulder.

We continued this slow undulating for a time; it was agonizing because it wasn't quite enough stimulation to cum, but it felt so good. As I started to lose strength in my hips, I leaned back a little with a soft moan, knowing Otabek had me securely in his arms. Otabek took this as encouragement to suck down on one of my nipples. I jerked and cried out.

At my reaction, Otabek let out a shivering moan, holding me even tighter. But then he pushed me back onto the bed so he knelt with my hips in his hands. He thrust shallowly, holding my gaze with intensity. He leaned down and sucked on my nipple again, this time pushing my arms over my head to lovingly caress my biceps and elbows as he held me down. I was starting to get embarrassed about calling him a virgin, because whether he'd had practice or was just a natural, he was so good my cock was aching.

"Otabek…" I gasped. "I want to cum…"

He grasped my face in both hands and kissed me hard once more. As taciturn as he was normally, apparently he lost almost all speech functions during sex. But that made this even more exciting for me. Otabek was so dear to me, even his silence was precious. His hips began to thrust with greater enthusiasm inside me, the tip of his cock repeatedly banging against my prostate.

"Ahhh!" I cried, digging my fingernails into his back.

He pressed firm kisses into my cheek and neck, grasping one of my thighs to rotate my hips for easier entry, as he fucked me in earnest. His breath was coming in short gasps, his cheeks bright red, his brows drawn tight together almost as if in pain, but I knew he was feeling as desperately good as I was. Finally, he tensed and let out a high moan.

"Yuri…!" he whispered.

As he thrust one final time to my most sensitive part, his cock starting to cum inside me, I cried out and grasped my own cock. His lips brushed mine as I jerked myself off to orgasm at almost the same time. Both of us felt a second wave of pleasure as I tightened around him during my orgasm and we each let out a cry. Otabek lowered his head beside mine, trying to regain his breath. I was still locked in a long orgasm, continuing to twitch as more cum leaked onto my stomach. To torment me further, Otabek pressed a hand into my stomach, right to where his dick was inside me, soaking his hand with my cum.

"Nnghh…" I cried, drowning in sensation.

We lay like this for a few moments, gathering back our sanity. After a time, I noticed Otabek staring at his hand. At my spent cock, at the place our bodies were still connected. He looked horrified. And sad. He bit his lip and turned away from me, looking like he might cry.

"What have you done to me?" he whispered, so softly I barely heard it.

"What did you say?" I demanded. "Are you starting to regret this now? I warned you, Otabek. You really can't make a decision after what we just did?"

He disengaged himself from me, slowly shaking his head and looking tortured. He gasped in a breath as if in pain, then walked away from me and started gathering his clothes. Even though in our bliss just now, with his breath and heartbeat joining mine, it had felt like we were dancing to passionate music, the room was suddenly silent and dull.

"You're joking…" I muttered, watching him in disbelief.

He didn't even look at me once as he got dressed. He silently went to the door, grabbed his bag, put his shoes on and left, slamming the door behind him.

"I don't believe it…" I murmured. I struggled to get up to be able to shout toward the door, though no doubt he was already too far to hear. "You dare come back here I'll fucking kill you, Otabek!" I roared.

And immediately after, my hips and ass twanged with pain, his cum slowly dripping out. My eyes stung. I buried my face in my hands and sobbed. My chest ached even worse than my lower half, as if a fissure were slowly cracking it open. "You son of a bitch…who would love you?" The hot tears that poured down my face were starting to give me a headache as I whispered to no one, "What kind of loser would love you? I fucking hate you…I…hate…" I sobbed as my face twisted in sadness I could no longer contain. "God damn it…"

In no time at all it seemed, the Grand Prix Final approached. And from my heartbreak, pain and anger, one good thing happened. I finally captured Odile.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter Twelve

Once again, I had to thank Otabek for helping me. The next time my skates hit the ice, just three days before the competition, I felt her. I understood immediately, as my music began to play, what I had been missing about Odile. The reason for her selfishness and cruelty. The reason she could hurt others without a care. It was pain. Pain and loneliness, enduring and beautiful. And rather than run from it or hide it, she embraced it. And her pain made her strong. For the next three days, I eschewed all company but my skates, and swam in the depths of Odile's pain, and her strength.

…

As the competition approached, I began to feel more and more nervous just being around Victor. As my coach, he put a halt on having sex as soon as we arrived in Nagoya, since he said it would throw me off. He maintained he himself would be fine, but I sensed there was more to it than that. He was somehow nervous around me too. He held my hand almost constantly when we were out, but during practice he barely looked me in the eyes. Even when I asked him to give me critiques, he would just smile lightly and say I knew what to do.

The insecure part of me kept whispering that this behavior was because Victor was tired of me. He had his own program to work on after all, and he needed to concentrate. But each night, as we went to sleep together, he would look deep into my eyes before kissing me gently, and then pulling my body tight against him. More often than not, he would weave our right hands together as we fell asleep. And when he did this, I found the worry draining from my body. Besides which, on any occasion when I proactively kissed him out of the blue, he would go red and demand more, sometimes to a point of embarrassing me in public. More and more I realized, I had nothing to worry about where Victor's feelings were concerned. So we both fell deeply into our acting roles as the day of the Grand Prix Final approached.

Both my programs had been choreographed to be symbiotic with Victor's. His short was from Scheherazade, by the Russian composer Rimsky-Korsakov, and mine was _The_ _Firebird_ by Stravinsky, a pupil of Rimsky-Korsakov's. While Victor played the eloquent Scheherazade in her softest, lowest and highest moments, I would play her fiery and active masculine counterpart in the form of Prince Ivan, who saves his beloved from an ogre with the help of an enchanted firebird.

Victor said he wouldn't mind performing my Yuri on Ice in the final too, but I vehemently objected. The final was an opportunity for each skater to perform their whole soul and compete against the entire world. I held back from saying that mine was too shabby for him, instead just reminding him that that wouldn't surprise anyone, which was always enough to make Victor change his mind. He would perform what he had originally planned, as would I, so both our programs would be counterparts of one another.

By the scores, we would start with Chris. With Victor back in the competition, Chris outdid himself from last year, and yet promised during the kiss-and-cry afterward that the best was yet to come in his free skate. He scored a 94.9.

Next was JJ. Once again, both his short and free skate would apparently be performed to music he had written and performed himself with his band. He performed up to expectations, with few errors and some exquisite jumps, though everyone also seemed to be wondering whether he would have something more original to offer in his free skate, since he hadn't change tone much from last year. He scored a 98.01.

And then it was the turn of Otabek. Since his was right before mine, I didn't get a chance to see any more than the beginning, and had my headphones in when they announced the scores. Before I went down to the backstage area to concentrate, Victor clasped both my right hand in his. We shared an understanding smile. Then he let me go.

My heart pounding, I warmed up, not looking at any of the TV screens. The character of the brave prince, who in my mind was rescuing Victor as Scheherazade rather than the princess Helen from my own story, floated up along with my love for Victor, emboldening me and removing all nervousness. A few staff members alerted me that Otabek had finished. I removed my jacket, set it aside, and walked down the corridor out into the lights of the rink.

I wished I could have seen Victor perform before me, that would have really got me into character as I fantasized about rescuing him. Then the negative part of me popped up and demanded how that could ever happen. Victor was a god and could never approach a competition with a ranking below mine.

I hesitated before placing my skate on the ice. No, I told myself softly. I smiled, the character of the brave, Russian prince filling me with confidence and love. Victor isn't a god. He's my love and my equal. Maybe Victor sensed that during our last few practices, and that was why he stopped giving me notes. From now on, the difference in our scores would be the result of the effort we put into them. And no matter how they changed, our relationship – and our love – would not. This might be my last chance to show the world what Victor's love and genius could create from my skating.

Somehow, even though I should have been self-conscious, nervous, and negative as usual, I could hardly wait for the music to start. I took my stance and waited, unable to wipe away my smile. At last, the joyful crescendo. I burst out into my short program, feeling like my legs had springs in them. I couldn't see or hear the audience, I only pictured Victor waiting for me somewhere in a glade, and us riding the wolf through the forest together to safety. I was the impetuous Prince Ivan, and he was my princess.

I honestly wasn't aware whether I had made any major errors as I was performing. As often happened when I was deep in character, I wasn't really aware of my surroundings. I struck my finishing pose pumped full of joy and adrenaline. It was only then, after the music had finished, that I noticed the tumultuous cheers. I couldn't help smiling even harder, feeling as if the audience had felt my joy with me. I left the rink and headed for the kiss-and-cry, experiencing a moment of deep shock not seeing Victor anywhere nearby waiting for me. But of course, he was getting ready, I reminded myself. Instead, I had a welcome surprise finding Yuuko-chan waiting on the bench to give me a hug, jumping up and down.

"Yuri, you were so manly!" she screeched.

Hesitantly, because by this point Prince Ivan had left me entirely, I chuckled. "Oh…really?"

"I bet Victor fell in love with you all over again," she added with a wink.

"Oh…" I said, going bright red but a little smile twitching half my mouth upward.

And then they gave my score: 116.8. I blinked. It hadn't set any records, but that was my personal best for any short program. Ever. Yuuko screamed and hugged me. I hesitantly patted her arm, trying not to wish she were Victor.

Moments after my score was announced, Victor glided into the rink. Me, as well as the entire audience, gasped and fell into silence. I thought he was someone else for a moment. Or else that I had traveled back in time. He had obviously been saving this surprise for the Grand Prix Final. When he glided onto the ice, he was trailed by nearly two feet of a silvery, flowing mane of hair. Whether it was a wig or whether he actually had magic powers – as I had long suspected – didn't really matter. He was more beautiful than he had ever been. And as he took his stance, ready to begin, he was Scheherazade.

He was mesmerizing. His beauty, his expressiveness with his face and body, captured everyone's heart and made us unable to look away, even for a moment. Even, and perhaps especially, during his last jump, when the smallest shudder ran over his body as he pushed into the air to complete a quad toe loop. And another as he landed. But his acting never faltered, even as sweat broke out over his forehead.

When he finished, the audience were already on their feet. Cheers exploded throughout the stadium, and I couldn't stop grinning, deliriously happy for him in spite of how damning his performance had been for me. He swept smoothly off the ice and approached the bench. He tilted his head, allowing his beautiful hair to swish a little, and smiled happily.

"Victor!" I cried, rushing up to him and throwing my arms around him. "How many times will you make me fall in love with you?" I whispered in his ear.

He snuck a kiss at an angle the cameras couldn't see, holding me tight. "Just what I wanted to ask you after your short program. I got chills."

"Victor, in that last jump, it looked like…"

"Wait, they're announcing the score," Victor said, hurrying me back to the bench.

We sat and waited as they announced Victor's score over the distance speakers. The audience grew hushed, waiting for what we all knew would be an earth-shattering score. And then it came: 119.02. That kind of score wasn't even supposed to be possible in a short program. The stadium was awash with sound. Cheers and crying, and everyone in disbelief that Victor had managed to surprise us once again, beating both his old world record, and Yurio's new one.

Even as my combined insecurity and happiness caused a few tears to run down my cheeks, I kept smiling at him. "You were beautiful," I told him. "You deserved it. I love you."

And then, regardless of the fact that every single eye was watching the big screen on which Victor and I were currently displayed, Victor ducked in close to me and stole a kiss. "We're not done yet. Yurio may give us both a run for our money. And honestly, I think your free skate is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen you do."

Again, he came in close and kissed the tears from my eyes. He offered a slightly hesitant smile. "I was so nervous I may have overdone it trying to catch up."

"What?"

But the next moment, we were shooed off the bench by the organizers as Yurio's skates met the ice and he glided to the center of the rink. Or maybe it was a fairy. Or an angel. In a repeat of his performance in the Russian final, once again Yurio had made himself into a creature that didn't seem to be of this world. This time, it was the white swan. Victor and I both took in a sharp breath when we saw his face. It was streaked with sadness, and gentle love. For a moment, neither of us could believe he was real.

It had been a few days since I had seen him, and the only thing either of us had heard from Yakov was that he had been immersing himself in training. The results were obviously worth it, because he simply took everyone's breath away before he even started to move.

And when the music started, it was truly difficult to remember that he was a human boy. All his anger, as was his natural state, was gone. All that showed in his eyes was love and longing. Hurt and beauty. He broke our hearts.

It seemed the judges had a hard time with his score, since they felt he deserved a higher score for his moving performance. Even though there had been little at all wrong with his jumps. But in the end, even if his acting had been perfect, his jumps had been lower and fewer in number than Victor's, or mine. His score came out at 107.60. It was still an incredible score, and in any other year it would have been more than enough to intimidate the other competitors.

That meant that the order leading into the free skate would be Chris, JJ, Otabek (who had scored a 98.30), Yurio, me, and finally Victor. My heart thrummed in my ears as we went back to the hotel that night. It was tradition for the finalists to have a little get-together the night between the short program and free skate, but as Victor and I were useless, only capable of staring at one another, we both just wanted to be alone.

In the hotel room that night, I felt something a little strange about the way Victor was acting. He was a little too happy, if possible. I expected him to be nervous as I was, because I knew how competitive he was and I had no intention of holding back tomorrow. But he didn't seem to be able to see me as a rival that night, even though I definitely felt that way at least a little bit. His smile when he looked at me was adoring. Nothing else. Did that mean he didn't view me as an equal? Still? Well, that honestly crushed me a little, but there was nothing for that but to show him. Tomorrow. I kissed him as we fell asleep, swearing both my love and my determination to stand beside him as his equal.

And then it was the day of the free skate. The last day of the Grand Prix Final. With the lowest score, Chris was up first. He outdid his own sexiness, if possible, and got a 149.17, bringing his total to 244.07. In any other year, that score would be near impossible to beat. JJ went next, and even though he made few mistakes, the judges remained mostly unmoved by the fact that his program still hadn't changed much from last year. He scored a 139.9, which brought his total to 237.91. So Chris had already beaten him.

Otabek performed well, but somehow he seemed absent. He was always stern, but now he looked almost lost. Even so, his jumps were impeccable. The brooding nature of his expression even added to his acting somehow, though whether intentional or not it was difficult to tell. He ended up with a 170.47, and although I still hadn't heard his score for his short program, they announced that his total was now 268.77. That meant he had pulled ahead of Chris and was currently in first place.

Yurio was up next. I was aching to see his performance, but I couldn't. If I did, I would lose focus, and probably lose heart because I knew how beautiful it would be. As he glided onto the rink, bringing a hush to the audience with his dramatic appearance and subtle acting already begun, I stood from my seat. I kissed Victor on the cheek and wordlessly retreated to warm up and banish all outside thoughts from my mind. I felt him squeeze my hand as I left, and felt a flood of love in my heart for him.

With headphones in, my music playing softly into my ears to drown out the music of the Black Swan and the frenzied crowd, I focused entirely on my character and my upcoming performance. I found utter peace and silence there. I knew the odds were against me. With Yurio being in top condition, with an incredible concept and program, and Victor - the living legend - breaking a record in his short program, no one was expecting anything of me right now. I would be lucky to even stand on the podium beside them. Well, I thought, a strange sense of happiness growing inside me. Let's see what they think of this.

A staff member caught me and told me to head to the rink. Yurio was finished and his score was being announced. I didn't catch it. But as I stepped up to the rink side area, I saw Yurio crying on the big screen. I smiled, though in character. I could tell at once that it was happy crying. And even though Yurio was actually just about the biggest ugly-crier that I have ever met, the emotion visible in his painted, dripping, ugly face was utterly beautiful.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, feeling happiness for him and the audience's love for him still lingering in the air. They said my name. I stepped out and was met with significantly lesser cheers than Yurio had gotten just now. And that was fine. I took my stance, in the center of the rink, and waited for the music to start.

First, the gentle caress of the violins, the music expanding softly from silence. I felt surprise and attention gather to me with the kindness of the melody as soon as it became recognizable as Debussy's Claire de la Lune. That was the theme of mine and Victor's free skates which, like our short programs, were meant to be taken as pair performances. Victor was a princess, and I a prince. Victor was the sun, and I the moon.

My costume, silvery and with softness echoing Victor's costume in his Scheherazade, was accented by silver makeup around my temples and eyes, and just a hint of silver paint in my hair. I tried to catch the light with them at first, but soon – as I felt the warmth of the audience and became lost in my performance and love for Victor – I stopped thinking about anything. My body felt like it was made of light. The music took me over and all I could do was let it carry me away.

I leapt higher than I felt I ever had before as the music reached its crescendo. I felt no fatigue, barely felt anything but adrenaline and joy. Tears reached my eyes as the realization reached my heart: it was perfect. Peace and hushed silence began to fall over the stadium as the music finally dimmed back to its gentle caress. I reached my ending pose, gazing toward the sky at the imagined sun which inspired any beauty that had ever been in me. Victor.

I realized I was crying softly to myself, as I gazed up at the roof of the stadium, though imagining Victor's face. I didn't want it to be over. It was violently sad to know I would have to leave the rink, my free skate of possibly…probably…my last Grand Prix Final was finished. In that moment, I didn't care about a medal, didn't care about beating anyone, I only wanted to skate.

I didn't hear my score. When my consciousness returned to where I was, all I could hear was the eruption of excited screams from the crowd. Where was Victor? I had to see him. I knew his skate was next and I shouldn't distract him, but I ached so badly for him at that moment. And then…there he was.

They hadn't announced his name yet, but Victor stepped up to the rink entrance. When I saw him, my heart stopped.

Victor was glorious. His costume was inspired by the Russian ballet, tight from the waist down and princely from the waist up. He was all white and gold. He glittered and shined, truly luminescent to my eyes. His presence overwhelmed even this beautiful costume though. He glided toward me, like some god or legendary creature.

He smiled at me. He extended his right hand and his ring caught my eye. Even as tears rolled down my face, I reached out to take his hand in mine. All at once, he held me tightly in his embrace. I think he was even shaking a little. His momentum from gliding toward me set us into a slow spin in each other's embrace, and it was like we were the only two people in the world.

"Yuri," I heard him whisper. He sounded a little choked up. "You were perfect."

I couldn't respond. Couldn't speak. I sobbed and clung to him as we slowly spun together on the ice, half blinded by the stage lights and by love.

At length, Victor sighed a little. "I don't have any confidence after that, but you deserve my best, Yuri. So I'll give it. Okay?"

I helplessly nodded against his chest. He squeezed me a little tighter for a moment, and then let me go. I left the stage but stayed right by the rink side to watch, not bothering to go to the kiss-and-cry. Upon realizing this, the announcers fumbled to introduce Victor, as he was clearly ready to go.

I already heard people crying in the audience. There were lovestruck shouts of encouragement for Victor as he closed his eyes and turned his face upward to take his stance. For his music, he had chosen was Sun by Thomas Bergensen. It was a triumphant and deeply emotional song. My heart broke eighteen different ways as he shone on this, likely his final stage.

His first jump was a triple salchow. I held my breath as he entered it. He jumped. I, and the audience, gasped, but this time in shocked disappointment. Not a triple. Not even a double. He had made it a single. On top of which, even though he hung gracefully in the air for what seemed like an unnaturally long time, the height was so low he barely left the ice. What?

Was I imagining things? None of what I had just seen made any sense. I could think of no reason why that had just happened. I had never seen Victor make a single mistake. And anyway, from where I was standing, it hadn't looked like a mistake. He chose not to try. Now my heart broke again, but this time in anguish. What was happening?

"Victor!" I heard Yurio cry from nearby, also watching from the rink side and still in costume. Everything I was feeling, along with another level of unspeakable outrage, was streaked across his formerly beautiful face.

As we both watched helplessly, our mentor continued his skate even as the audience grew hushed and some began to cry. They had already realized what it took Yurio and I so long to do, out of disbelief and love for Victor. Each time Victor landed on his left foot, pain echoed across his face. It wasn't that he didn't want to jump. He couldn't.

I've never felt pain so deep as the moment I realized that. I cried so hard my head started to hurt. But still, even as it broke my heart, I knew I owed it to Victor to keep watching until the end.

Despite his pain, Victor let nothing diminish his performance. His skill and expressiveness were still utterly transcendent. No one could tear their eyes away from him. Everyone ached for him, and loved him, in all his shining glory. No one who saw it would ever forget the feeling of watching Victor Nikiforov's sun prince.

The music drifted away into its heartfelt resolution. His performance finished. The reaction began with a slowly building round of applause. Then someone in the crowd shouted, "Victor!" Shouts of encouragement joined this voice. Then slowly cheers grew and eventually rained down upon Victor, along with an entire carpet of flowers. He bowed as the cheers continued and then scanned the edge of the rink. His eyes found me. He smiled sadly. I could see even at this distance that, although he tried to hide it, a tear streaked down his face.

"Victor…" I murmured, biting my lip. I covered my eyes, unable to return his gaze. I was so ashamed. I knew Victor must be crushed. I knew it wasn't his fault. I knew I should be supportive of him. Why was I so shallow, that all I could think about was never being able to compete with Victor on the same stage, as equals? Why was all I could think about my own pain?

I heard skates exit the rink in front of me. Victor's outward breath of regret. "Yuri," I heard his soft voice as he approached.

I couldn't look at him.

"Yuri," he implored softly.

I gritted my teeth.

Victor took a breath, seeming to search for words. When he finally found them, they only twisted the knife. "I'm so sorry," he whispered.

My hand at my side closed into a fist.

"I tried too hard in my short program. Trying to keep up with you two rising stars. I pushed a little too far."

"Don't," I murmured. I'm not sure he heard me.

He took the hand at my side into his own, lowering his head to murmur in a voice I barely heard, "I wanted to go all the way with you. You deserved my best, and I couldn't give it. I'm so sorry, Yuri."

"Stop it!" I cried, throwing off his hand. "How…how can you be so loving?!" I demanded. I sobbed, covering my eyes again. "You make me ashamed! I know…I know how much it must hurt…I know you did your best, but even now all I can think about is myself. I feel like I've lost you forever."

Victor gave a difficult laugh which still sounded like he might cry. "I'm right here."

"But as a competitor, you left me behind in that short program!" I cried. "I'll never beat you. Even if I break your record…and I don't think anyone ever will…it will only be a memory!" I wiped my eyes, the makeup stinging them. "Don't sympathize with me…I'm the worst person in the world. Your career may be over, and all I can think about is how much it hurts me!"

"Same."

I gasped and looked up at him, fearing he would say the words that would crush my spirit completely, while making me fall ever deeper in love with him. Beautiful, glittering tears were falling down Victor's face even as he smiled at me, his eyes filled with love.

"My career? As far as I'm concerned, my reason for living, from the moment I saw you performing my program, has been you. Yuri. Part of me was desperate to compete with you. But now we have. And don't say you'll never beat me." Victor took both my hands in his, bringing them to his chest as he looked deep into my eyes. "If I hadn't pushed myself that hard, I would have had no chance against you. And my body couldn't keep up with you. Do you see? And don't you dare say it's because I'm old. Anyone can get hurt, you know that as well as I do."

My lip quivered as I struggled with what he was saying. His love was so beautiful it hurt. And I knew he was right. But I was still so embarrassed that my lover was forever so much more mature than me. I sniffed and swallowed.

"Victor…"

"Yes?"

"I don't know if I have another year in me," I murmured. "And I doubt that you do."

"Hey."

I returned his hold of my hands. "But I don't want it to end like this. It's too much."

Victor nodded. "Well. You never know. You may be satisfied with this. Let's listen to the final scores."

"But-"

The lights dimmed as the final scores went up on the big screen, and the announcer's voice echoed loudly through the stadium, "In sixth place, with a combined score of 220.10, Victor Nikiforov!"

I blinked. "But if they didn't give you any points for technical elements…that must mean…a perfect components score?!"

Victor bumped me with his hip, unbalancing me. He folded his arms and looked pleased with himself. "So now that's two records for you to beat. Along with what I'm sure was the worst ever free skate score! Ha ha ha!"

"Are you okay?" I grumbled, genuinely not sure if he was actually disturbed or just being his usual space cadet self.

"In fifth place, with a combined score of …Jean-Jacques Leroy! In fourth place, with a combined score of 237.91, Christoph Giacometti! In third place, with a combined score of 268.77, and personal best, Otabek Altin! In second place, with yet another a record-breaking free skate score, a combined score of 301.47…Yuri Plisetsky!"

While they had cheered enthusiastically for every skater so far, the audience erupted. They had loved his black and white swans. I wished I could have seen them live. But I wasn't thinking about what it meant. I was happy for Yurio, and sad for Victor and myself, I had somehow completely forgotten I would almost certainly be standing on a podium and walking home with a medal today. Even when I remembered that, all I could think was that they hadn't said my name, and for a moment I feared that I may even have been disqualified for some reason. Gradually, in the moments before the announcer continued, it occurred to me that there was a more obvious reason they hadn't said my name.

"And the winner of the Grand Prix Final…the dark horse of this competition, only his second time on the podium and first gold medal at 24 years old…with a combined score of 301.59, just 0.12 above his nearest rival…Katsuki Yuuri!"

The cheers were deafening. Victor was hugging me so tight I could barely breathe. Within moments, Yuko and her family, Minako-sensei and even Yakov had crowded around us and were crying, hugging me (or rather us, because Victor wouldn't let go) and ruffling my hair. The cheering was so loud and so long I thought it would never end. And I was so filled with adrenaline that I still only felt numb for some time, the reality that I had met my goal of almost my entire life not really sinking in.

Moments later it seemed, although I didn't have much sense of the passage of time, after Victor had fixed mine and Yurio's hair and makeup, Yurio, Otabek and I were standing on the podium together, and a gold medal was around my neck. The Japanese national anthem played, and we all listened in silence. I kept thinking I must be dreaming. But then I would spot Victor's happy-crying face in the crowd. He was smiling so hard it looked like it hurt. The more I watched him, the more my disbelief and insecurity melted away. The more glad I was that I had met Victor and come this far.

The thrill of winning faded in favor of desire to be where Victor was. I barely noticed the strange tension between Yurio and Otabek, standing oddly silent beside me. I joined him after most of the fanfare was over and kissed him, knowing we were likely still being broadcast on international TV at this moment and not caring.

As we were leaving the stadium, holding hands, reporters mobbed us. Victor ignored most, pulling me along behind him, until one got close and asked in Japanese, "Yuri-senshu! What will you and your coach, Victor Nikiforov be doing to celebrate this win?"

Victor stopped. He grinned at the reporter and tilted his head coquettishly. He leaned down and kissed me on the cheek. Now somewhat conscious of what was going on, I blushed up to my ears. "Getting married," Victor announced, wagging his right ring finger and hold up my right hand beside it.

"Eh?" the reporter replied, showing a face that simply read "error".


End file.
